4.6

I think the hardest part of waking up is in my dreams I’m in your arms. But in the morning, you’re not there. The hills of muscle of your beautiful body turn into mountains and miles between us. And in my dreams I can still taste you, and smell you, and feel you… but like a hangover, by noon it’s just a headache and longing for the sun to go down and reminding me that the light isn’t coming from you anymore. Sad excuse for a day, all cloudy and gloom. Days with you were blazing sun and endless. And as one last cigarette turned to five, a love grew inside of me like that blazing sun. It blinded me, blistered me, tore right thru my insides, burned me up, threatened to never set then one day it was gone. And I’ve been howling at the moon ever since just trying to follow the South star back to you. Losing my way every few steps. Stumbling, fumbling, over the words I should have said, the words I shouldn’t have said. I’m lost without you. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to admit this to myself. I gave up the path a million times pretending I was just wandering the wild on an adventure but I was always trying to navigate back to your arms. Those warm warrior love arms. I wonder if I just lay here if you’d ever come looking for me too. If you’d send out search and rescue and one day I would wake up, dehydrated and barely conscious with a concerned look on your face trying to bring me back to life, to love, to us. Or would I just waste away here in the destitute wilderness, wolves circling my brokenness ready to devour me, trying to find your heart in this jungle? Is it even here? Has it been captured by another? I guess my dreams will just have to do. Because in my dreams you’re mine. And I’m yours. And you want it that way and you’re happy with me. And that’s the only place our happily ever after will be ever after. And no matter what, I always want that smile on your face. And I just don’t put it there anymore.

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