Prose I did for a writing class

“Damnit. Every single time I try to connect this stupid Bluetooth it always messes up.” I am getting so frustrated even the scent of her perfume is pissing me off. She’s looking at me like I am totally nuts. She looks at me like this quite often lately and it infuriates me even more. We are settling in for the long drive across town to the movie theater. or one of her friend’s houses. or some other ridiculous adventure she is constantly trying to drag me to because lets face it, it’s over. But she thinks if she’s constantly keeping me busy that I won’t realize it. “Literally all you have to do is pick your phone in the Bluetooth menu and pick your car in the phone menu” she addresses me like I am a kindergartener that she has explained the alphabet to a million times and is still missing half the letters. “You think I don’t know how to get a connection?” I bark at her. “You obviously don’t know how to keep one” she huffs and rolls her eyes at me. She fiddles with the car dash menu and magically music starts playing over my radio. But this isn’t my usual Bon Iver/ Local Native jams. This is some Taylor Swifty crap she loves. I turn to her with a thousand hells burning in my eyes. “No. Freaking. Wonder. your stupid phone was connected” my bark has turned more to a growl now. “Here! You can use my phone and play WHAT EVER THE HELL YOU WANT!” she takes her phone and throws it at my lap. I want to crush it in my palm, but instead I just let it drop to the ground and continue to drive so she can be bored. I am punishing her. We are sitting in silence allowing it to marinade our anger. She’s looking out her window and I wonder what she is thinking about? I wonder what she thinks about what we have become. I remember when we first met and it was like a chemical explosion. We made love for the first time in my old car that has since been sold. I remember she tasted like tequila and pineapples. I wanted to wait because I knew I loved her and I wanted to make it special but she took my fingers and put them up her skirt and inside of her then licked my ear and breathed, “I need you right now.” I was so hard I could barely unzip my pants. I climbed over the center council, she turned over and I took her from behind right in my driveway. I remember for months after that I would just look out of my window down at where my car was parked and picture watching the scene from up there. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. So why do I hate her so much? Everything she does drives me insane. She is late for everything. She doesn’t wear matching socks. She doesn’t even remember to brush her hair some days. But she is beautiful in a way that is not ordinary or exotic, but more like stellar. Looking at her eyes is like staring into the sun, her skin the milky way, her spirit a supernova. But I hate her. I want to leave her. We come to a stop, a fucking train and I just want to get out and slam the door and walk away from everything. The life we have built together, the apartment, our cars, the two stupid Pomeranians she calls our fucking children, her sleeping through the 5 alarms she has to set, her cussing me out every time she gets her period about whatever I did to piss her off that whole month, her smoking weed in my fucking Armani sports jacket because she “likes the way it feels on her skin,” her fights with her mother, her drunken rants about new new feminism and the way that women are actually superior to men, the way she castrates me with one sentence, the way she can live without me and I can’t be one day without her, I want to walk away, set it on fire, never look back. The train finally passes and we go over the bumpy tracks and she lets out her adorable giggle. What is going on in that head of hers? I realize I will never know. She is everything I ever wanted and everything I absolutely detest. but I cannot live without her. I cannot breathe without her. I am almost brought to tears when I even think about waking up without her in my bed and I am brought back to that time two years ago when I almost lost her and I was desperately miserable. I never want to feel like that again. I reach over and grab her hand. We sit in silence still but now I feel her warmth of her skin and it floods me with love and lust, I just want to taste her tequila lips. We finally pull up to our destination and I reach down and grab her phone and hand it to her, she takes it gently from me and smiles that beautiful smile. “You stay. I am leaving. I can’t do this.” She slams the door and does not even look back once as she walks away.

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