I’ve been dancing around the juicy details like a fat person dances around the room pretending the dessert plate isn’t the precise reason why they came to the party. Here it is… the thick of it. Since that’s all you heathens seem to want. No one seems to care about you unless you’re in the center of a scandal. I am afraid nothing I have ever done has been scandalous enough to keep you goblins appeased, but none the less, my attempt:

When I was only 15 I fell in love with a boy. Only this boy didn’t like being a boy. Like the band Tilly and the Wall says, “some names have been changed to protect identities of the innocent. So, just sit back and pretend that this one is about some other friend.” Anyways, this boy/girl named Blain use to dye his hair raven black. He wore it to his chin and always over his right eye. I have no clue how he even walked. He wore all black, like completely covered head to toe. Metallica shirts, huge baggy black parachute pants, and heavy black combat boots. Black fingernails. I have no clue why, but I was absolutely OBSESSED with this kid. I thought that he was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. And I wanted him. bad.
We lived in a boring white neighborhood where if you didn’t wear Hoe-lister or Amberzombie and Bitch you were not cool. period. And I was so far from cool I was like the definition of the antonym. And I loved it that way. I hated all of them and I never wanted to fit in. I could literally see the terror in people’s eyes when Blain would walk near them. I wanted to evoke that kind of emotion. I was kind of just invisible, until I was noticed and made fun of for being fat. So, I have no idea why, but Blain loved me back. Not in the way that I loved him, but it was good enough for me. I would go to his house after school and we would hang out on a mattress that laid on his basement floor and play video games or listen to death metal (which I actually hated but I didn’t mind it so much when he was showing me songs that the lyrics meant a lot to him.) Stupidly, I introduced him to my best friend, Aby.
Aby was an only child. She was spoiled and controlling and a red headed, freckle faced, starved for attention pasty, blobby, annoyance of a human being. I am not sure why I loved her so much. Probably because she would pick me up from my hell hole of a house and allow me to escape my life of terrifying neglect. She had everything she ever wanted. A car at 16, her own bedroom (I shared a tiny bedroom with three sisters, shared a bed with one of them well into my teen years, shared all my toys, clothes, all of my belongings.) I never had any privacy. My life was exposed and always on display and whatever wasn’t, was interrogated about. Aby was never questioned, allowed to move about at her own free will. Given anything her tiny little selfish heart desired. But all she ever desired was whatever I so desperately wanted.
We three were inseparable. We would go to the mall just to hang out in the food court or play dance, dance revolution. We would just go driving in cornfields smoking pot or idk… whatever 15 & 16 year olds do. Then, I started noticing that Aby would all of a sudden have this to do or that to do. And of course as she was my only means of transportation, I would be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. See kids, this was before the internet and you couldn’t see that your friends were hanging out without you, you had to find out the old fashioned way like having another friend call them on three way and put your phone on mute and have that other friend ask them what they are doing. So, one day, I did just that. I have my friend Beth call Aby and I muted my phone and sure enough that little slut was with Blain. I felt my heart burst like a coke can that had been left in the freezer. My first real feeing of betrayal.
So, the next day at school I wrote Blain a note and dropped it in his locker. After the next period I was so sick thinking about him reading the note and thinking I probably was just some loser and of course he didn’t want to hang out with me and rather hang out with Aby. But after that period ended and I was at my locker, he came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a note in return. Come to find out, Aby told Blain that I was grounded and my parents wouldn’t let me come out with them so they just kept hanging out as usual. I was FURIOUS. I didn’t even know at this young age that “friends” had the capacity to treat you like this. I thought that friendship was some kind of magical agreement you both are contracted into that you both never treat each other badly and everything you do you think of that other person. Boy, was I dumber than a box of Barbie dolls.
A few more notes passed back and forth, my attempt to find out if anything romantic was going on between Blain and Aby, and Blain came with a confession… He already had a girlfriend. This news made me both happy and sad. Happy because that hussy Aby had no shot in my mind. Sad because, well, neither did I. My naive little brain thought that commitments actually meant something back then. Lets all laugh tougher…
… So, I guess after this Blain started mentioning to Aby about going to get me, or he would purposefully make plans in front of her with me. So everything went kind of back to normal. Except for the fact that Blain and Aby seemed to have this weird connection that I felt like I was missing out on. I would catch them looking at each other and holding gaze for a little longer than usual. It would make me uncomfortable. I noticed Aby would mention certain things about her body in front of Blain and I would see his eyes wander. This was my first experience of a girl trying to trap a man. It was quite entertaining now that I think about it. But then it was incredibly infuriating. Because at this point I didn’t think my body was attractive. Even tho I was way more developed than Aby, I was awkward and I didn’t realize the power my body could have over men. Aby took full advantage of this. I started to feel like the third wheel. They became more physical, play fighting, tickling each other, they started hugging goodbye. As each day went by, I watched their relationship change. And also mine and theirs. It was almost as if I was becoming invisible again.
I am not sure if their intention was to make me so uncomfortable that I would stop coming around but that’s exactly what happened. And it didn’t take much time for Aby to admit to me that she was having SEX with Blain and he was cheating on his girlfriend. This was so appalling to me because 1. I had made a promise to my parents that I wouldn’t have sex before I was married. They even gave me a promise ring and everything. And literally the ONLY thing they cared about me was that I kept my virginity intact for my future husband like that was literally the sum of my worth. 2. I had these crazy ideals that all couples were in love and when you were in love you would never EVER do anything to hurt the other person. All of these crazy notions were shattering around me and I felt like I was barefoot and tiptoeing around trying not to be impaled by reality. I felt in agony. I couldn’t believe what was happening. And to make it worse, Aby said they were in love. I asked her if he was going to break up with his girlfriend? She said no, that he didn’t want to hurt her.
I felt like my mind was full of sprite and she just dropped a bucket of poprocks in there. I literally couldn’t fathom how he thought he could do this. And everything that I thought about this boy changed. Obsession and adoration turned into disgust and loathing. And come to find out, I knew the girlfriend. Her name was Karen. She was a grade above me, same grade as Aby and Blain. She was even in Aby’s English class. The secret burned inside of me like lava, threatening to erupt.
Time went on and they continued their affair until one day, Aby didn’t come to school. I called her after school to make sure she was okay. She said that Blain had called it off. That he couldn’t cheat on Karen anymore because he loved her and wanted to be with her. And although he loved Aby, it just wasn’t that same way he loved Karen. I felt sorry for her. In a way that you feel sorry for a child that falls off a chair you continued to tell them consistently to sit down and they wouldn’t. I thought that Aby would just need some time to get over it and then everything would be back to normal.
Two weeks go past and I am woken up by a phone call at 2AM. It’s Aby. I can barely make out what she is saying she’s sobbing so hard. She says “Blain is dead. He’s dead. It’s all my fault!” I ask her where she is? What was going on? I half think it’s a dream I am so out of it. She begs me to sneak out of my house and let her pick me up. I agree. Ten minutes later she’s pulling out of my driveway, hysterical. We barely make it down the street and she has to park to explain to me what happened…

… Blain didn’t want to leave Karen because he loved her. But he couldn’t let go of Aby either. Of course he couldn’t have both… so for some insane reason Aby and Blain came to the conclusion that they should do a suicide pact and kill themselves together so they could be together in the next life. So, they drove to the next state, bought two gallons of bleach, and were going to drink one a piece and die in each other’s arms. Only Aby chickened out. But Blain, despite Aby’s pleas for him to stop, downed almost the whole thing. She called 9-1-1. He was rushed to the Emergency room.

the bleach had eaten away at his esophagus and almost all of the lining of his stomach. He lost so much weight that months later when he returned to school, he was just a skeleton of a boy. He was so gaunt and ugly that Aby wanted nothing to do with him. And after the suicide attempt, Karen didn’t either.

These two bitches are the reason I got arrested for the first time…



We only said goodbye with words… I died a 100 times. You go back to her and I go back to black…

I feel like I may be possessed by the ghost of Amy Winehouse. If I could only be so lucky.

Why do I still dream about his kiss? She made millions off of her lover’s betrayal. Know what I’ve made? A dent in my bed where my lifeless body lays day after day, daydreaming about how he use to kiss me. The ways his tongue would turn and his lips would press harder then soft again, press and release, suck me in, push me out. How were we always skin to skin but he kept me a million miles away? I told him today, “I hate you. I hate the day I met you.” I’ll say anything now just to get a response. For every 100 I send, he sends 1/2 a one back. I keep ripping up my dignity copy and pasting it to each text and I hit SEND. It never comes back to me. How did I let myself go this far?

Ankles weak from the whiskey, these six inch heels might be the death of me.
Everything comes out so poetic. Everything comes out so pathetic.

I’ll drive an hour and ten minutes to his house. Yes, I wore that dress he likes. Yes, I wore the lace boy shorts. Yes, I wore the perfume. I hate perfume. Makeup on beat, Eyeliner on fleek.

He plays me what he thinks is a love song, trying to entice me. I can tell it’s just a ploy to get me out of these lace panties. What he doesn’t know is this is a decision I made before I ever walked thru the door. I have no dignity anymore. He took it all. That he wasn’t him. But I will blame it on him. Take all my anger out on him. Because he doesn’t answer but him will. At least for a little while. At least until he feels he’s given me what he owes me for what I will give him tonight. The last shreds of my dignity. It will be a fun game for me to see how far I can push him. How bad I can make him feel. He broke me. But I will make him feel like it was all his fault. Someone must pay penance for these sins.

Isn’t that what we are all doing? Making the next one make up for the last one?
When does it end? How did it even begin?
I need a drink.