He’s leaving me. I know he is. I’m constantly dreaming about him. I never get any peace. He pulls away, I try to follow. He’s cold and distant and I can’t keep trying to keep up with these games. It’s all just a game to him. I give up. I’m walking away. I can’t do this anymore. I have to stay away because all I get it hurt. It’s just make believe Jessica. He doesn’t love you. He told you he wasn’t attracted to you. He told you if he wants something he goes after it. He hasn’t gone after you. He hasn’t done anything to make you believe he has any inkling of feeling towards you. You HAVE TO let him go. Because your own mental health is so important. Fuck your feelings bro. Right now is the time to get money. Because you being caught up in what he’s doing and him flirting with these stupid bitches is not making you money. It’s not helping you. It’s not going to change your future. You have to let him go. YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO. It doesn’t matter how much you love him. When did that ever matter to the universe? He doesn’t appreciate you at all. HE DOES NOT APPRECIATE YOU AT ALL. Who you are, what you mean; what you do. Why keep testing your own patience? Why keep putting yourself thru this hell? You deserve so much better. You deserve a man who cannot stop himself from being all over you. Seeing about you. Obsessed with you. A man that tells you every day how beautiful you are. A man that thanks god for you. Doesn’t make you feel like there’s something wrong with you when you show emotion. That he understands. He’s gentle and caring. He listens to you, how you feel, your stories. Be alone babygirl. Be alone and keep putting your need into the universe and she loves you so much she will provide. Stop settling for scraps. You deserve diamonds. You deserve to be spoiled. You deserve the crown of the Queen. That’s who you are. You’ve been the servant so long and that’s why you deserve it. You cannot allow this man to make you weak. Stop giving him that power. You are so amazing. I love you so much beautiful. Keep loving yourself and you will attract that kind of mate. Know that there is no one else that could love you like you. Know that you take care of you. You cherish you. And a man will follow suit. You think the best of you. You are wonderful. You are amazing. You are glorious. You are beautiful. You are talented. You are magnificent. You are a Queen.

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Burnt toast reminds me of my grandfather. Strong and dark. Bold and hard. Will leave you raw if you don’t swallow it just right. I don’t know when food started being my only comfort. Maybe it was when I accidentally pissed the bed and my dad beat the living shit out of me so bad that I was afraid to even look at him so he bought me a kit Kat bar to apologize, but never actually said the words of “I’m sorry.” Just explained why he did it. Maybe it was when I would try to eat the fastest out of my siblings that totaled 6 of us so I could get seconds first because food just seemed like there was too much of us and not enough of it. Maybe it was the 3 am tiptoes to the Oreos my father use to hide on the top shelf of the pantry behind the flour. It was like a ceremony, splitting the two sides in half, slowly licking off all of the cream, placing one dark circle in the middle of my tongue then pressing it to the roof of my mouth so it broke in half, those quiet crunches so I wouldn’t get caught. I don’t know what rushed to my blood faster, the secrecy or the sugar, but ecstasy nonetheless. Food was my first unrequited love. The pleasure I derived from the preparation and devour. Until there’s nothing left but dirty dishes and a guilty feeling that leaves you so full you can barely move. I have an addiction. The hardest part about it is that I literally would die without food. So, how could I ever quit? How can I manage it when my drug of choice so happens to be something that keeps me alive.

I’ve always been mixed up. Like ingredients that don’t go together. Cheese and chocolate or sour cream and pretzels. I make no sense.