I’m tired of waiting for you
I’m tired of this whole situation
And all the ships I have not launched because of it
I’m tired of being led into temptation
But having to deny my flesh over and over
Because I love you
I want you
But you’re stuck somewhere In between boyish things and manly dreams
You want to run around the world
Then come back
And you see it doesn’t work like that
I won’t just be sitting here twiddling my thumbs
Waiting for your return like that
And I have nightmares that
You are waking up between a strippers booty cheeks
Cheap glitter littering your eyes your cheeks your lips
All places that I want to kiss
All places that should be on me
Can’t you see
Blind men could see
But maybe you’re just not ready for me
Maybe I’m not ready for you
Because I still can’t seem to figure out how to not want to Dexter style murder any woman that smiles in your face
And I can’t quite keep up with your molasses pace
I’m not choosing you any more

11.22 HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOLDEN BOY

It’s hard to see things for “what they really are” when how the hell do we really know what anything is? It’s all about perspective. We have to realize our blessings. Everything works together for good for THOSE WHO LOVE GOD. And God is LOVE. So those who love love, all good things will come to them. I am beyond blessed. With everything that is going on with my health, I really was shown so much love and care from places I never expected. I am so grateful to the forces of this universe that even in times of great darkness, light shines through. We have to open our eyes to love and see it is around every corner, fueling every encounter, IF THAT IS WHAT WE CHOOSE to see. I am beyond blessed in every aspect of my life. Sometimes, I become so overwhelmed that I just feel like I am drowning in the weight of it all. It feels like trying to swim in a vat of melted iron. But through these trials we are created. You have to be a gladiator. You must stand and fight. It would be so easy to give up.
I was leaving the hospital today and my friend and her little babygirl who is only about barely 3 was with us. The elevator we were on opened up and there was an old woman who was obviously dying laying on a gurney with a nurse pushing her. The old woman was looking at the little girl and the little girl at the old woman. My friend said, “that’s interesting, the beginning of life and the end.” And I thought about myself, almost in the middle. And I said, “and what’s the point of it all? There are never any answers, only more questions.”
I’ve been thinking about what I said since then. But then I thought, what if I just stop seeking answers? What if I just enjoy this ride and be so thankful for the experience. The good and the bad? Because I would rather have loved and lived than to have never at all. I am surrounded by love. That’s the whole point of seeking it and it shall find you. Because when you seek love you really just become aware of all the ways your life is already filled with it.

11.21

I woke up at 5:30 AM with my mind ablaze. I have resisted so many things that took me captive before, yet I still cannot seem to find my direction. I try not to allow myself anger. I try not to allow myself gluttony, envy, greed.

My thoughts are so much clearer in the morning. There is a man that always plagues my thoughts. I wish I could resist him. I have tried so hard. I have been without my vices for months, years on end. But I cannot seem to go a day without thinking of him. But why must love be war? Do you know why? I believe there are two forces in this world. Love and fear. All emotions are subcategories of these forces. We fear love because we have been hurt by it in the past and fear is a very sneaky devil. It will convince you that it was all love’s fault but generally it was fear that caused someone you believed loved you in the first place to sin against you. Love gets blamed all the time. Why? Because we do not seek to understand love. There have been a million books, seminars, religions, motivational speeches, rallies, crusades created all in the name of love or the study of love. Yet, we cannot look the person we love in the eye and understand them. Because we are constantly just trying to be understood yet not seeking to understand.

I want to be so enthralled in love that I will never have to question the intention. I do not want jealousy to control my perceptions any longer. I wish to be free of fear. Free of anger. Free to look this man in his eye and let him know me. Let him understand what it means to love me. Let me understand what it means to love him.

So many people call themselves “believers” yet, they do not love the people around them. They are fearful of them. Jealousy stems from that fear. Racism stems from that fear. Prejudice stems from that fear. If believers believe in god and god is love then how could you say you believe in god if you believe more in fear? If you trust more in fear how could you even think you trust in god?

I believe in love. I do not believe in the god I think that religion has created. I am still seeking to understand love. Seeking to understand what is what. But I do know that I no longer want my life to be controlled by fear. I do not want the love inside of me to hide because of fear. I will sacrifice everything for love. That’s powerful. And I understand that reality. Sacrifice.

#WhyIDidntReport

***TRIGGER ALERT*** PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SEXUAL ABUSE. I do not ever want to be the cause of any emotional trauma. This is strictly to raise awareness and call for a change.

I am going through a lot of scary things right now. Currently, I am hooked up to a heart monitor; for the last 23 hours and for one more. I feel like it’s a leash around my body. I feel held down by so many things. My job, my relationships, my past, my body. I cannot seem to keep them all healthy and fully functioning at once. Why is it so hard for me to manage everything? I think about all of the things circling around my ecosystem and I wonder how I fix it all. I feel out of control. Is it a cop out to just give control to this invisible force that supposedly has control of it all? Is my energy just an extension of it or vice versa? Something trending on social media that I saw this morning was #WhyIDidntReport… it brought me back to two memories. I don’t even know how to put them into words. When I was 14 my brother had a friend that was 19. He was a skateboarder, tall and skinny punk rock kid with curly hair which has always been my favorite. He kissed me in the street after he did a skate trick. He would email me all of the time and tell me about so many things. At the time I did not know what he was doing but I later when I was MUCH MUCH older realized he was grooming me. He would take my hand and rub it on his crotch until he came. He would put his fingers inside of me. Tell me how “mature” I was and how I was “more of a woman” than most girls his age. I had made a promise to be a virgin until I was married. But he would always say sexual things and try to tell me how we were in love and he was always thinking about me. I later found out he did this to a lot of young girls my age. Now he has a daughter and I am terrified for her. I recently saw him, 16 years later and I ran to the bathroom and vomited. After that, he started messaging me on social media making comments about my appearance and how he missed me. Why didn’t I report? We were “in love.” I thought he actually wanted to love me and was just “making me a women.” When he left me for another girl he made me feel worthless. I realized he just had a fetish for little girls. Why didn’t I report? He did not technically “rape” me. He convinced me that I wanted it. I was just a child.

When I was 16, I use to suffer from depression because I was obese. The only attention I really ever got was from the guy when I was 14. And he was just abusing me. I hung out with older kids. I was a Junior in high school and My senior friends and I had a couple college friends that lived downtown Chicago. So, one weekend we took the train up there. We were drinking heavily. I was taking anti-depressants and alcohol would have an intense effect on me. I loved it because I did not value my life much at that point at all. I was drunk in the basement of this huge house party that was 3 stories packed shoulder to shoulder. I went in the bathroom of the basement because I started to get so woozy I could barely walk. In there, I got on my knees in front of the toilet and splaid across the toilet and started puking.
Continue reading

11.16

9 months until my birthday

Do you remember that birthday that I was sick as hell and couldn’t work for like weeks and then Sissy took me to T-Pain and I’m pretty sure I had a fever but I didn’t give two hoots cuz I was going to get to see T-Pain lol

And you showed up in that gaudy hideous ozone depleting hummer. Hahaha Salt Lips use to call you Hummer dude. Sissy use to call you asshole. I use to call you love of my life.

You never miss a birthday. Do you even know how much that means to me?

Take me back to sweet tea dreams and sweet dee things.

I miss you, lemon pie, heaven to kiss like sweet meringue

how you do that thang baby how you do that thang.

I wish you could come scoop me right now & we could skate to the A

11.14.2

I was having a beautiful conversation with my gorgeous sister and it came to me like this, she was telling me how every time she talks to a certain person that they just start criticizing her every single time she talks to this person. She could be having the best day ever, in an exuberant mood and this person will just completely crush all of her happiness with their criticism and the rest of her day will be ruined. NO ONE ELSE CAN RUIN YOUR DAY. Do not let ANYONE have that power. Think of the energy charges, Positive, negative and NEUTRAL. god, Jesus, Holy Spirit. love, hate, indifference. Light, dark, dusk/dawn. Batman, Joker, Gordon. Neutral is a policing energy. Makes sure there is balance and justice. But if you have someone attacking you with negative energy, let them get it all out while you try to shield yourself, imagine mirrors surrounding you so that whatever energy they put out will reflect back onto them. If it’s darkness it will reflect on them. If it’s light, it will reflect on them. But say nothing. Most people do not even realize the toxicity that is inside of them because they compress it so deep it’s just rotting in their bodies and causing physical diseases from psychological pains. I told her to let that person speak all of that negativity into the air and then when they are DONE, completely DONE, you cast that energy out. And you fill the air with positive energy, affirmations and intentions for the day. “Today will be a great day and we will learn how to communicate more efficiently with each other because our relationship is important to me and your concerns are valid in my eyes. We will work on growing our relationship stronger and more balanced. We will learn how to express our love more fluently with one another because I love you and value you and I know you love me and you value me.” Light exists inside of you. Darkness can only exist AROUND you. It cannot exist inside of you unless you LET it in. unless you consume it. Stop surviving on garbage. Feed your soul light and feed it to others. Be such a shinning example that others cannot help but follow your lead. AND THIS IS HARD AS HELL BECAUSE MOSTLY YOU JUST WANT TO WRING PEOPLES NECK BECAUSE THEY ARE HUGE JERKS. But we must always remember, people have a war going on inside of them, they are battling the two wolves and one is starving. We must always remember to proceed with caution. And be strong enough to heal other’s pain as we heal ourselves.

Strength & Honor
Love & light

11.14

I don’t really know if anyone else does this, but I make deals and bets with the universe. It’s just the way we communicate, like two old mobsters. I love God/the Universe/Love/etc so much because of this. Love really meets you exactly where you are and who you are. As long as you’re looking. You’ve got to be looking for it. My latest deal was that I would abstain from sex for one year. My one year dick free anniversary was 11/8. I am not sure why I thought that at precisely midnight the ceiling would open up and my husband would manifest and descend from on high to make fierce and ferocious love to my jonesing body, but nothing of the sort. Instead it was just another lonely night. Falling asleep sitting on the sofa. I wonder how many years of loneliness I will have to endure? I wonder what my husband is out there doing right now? I feel like I would look him in his eyes and recognize him immediately. So I’ve been a tad peeved at Love because what the hell are you waiting on? I’m getting older, I start to see the skin on the back of my hands changing and fear immediately strikes my heart. I so desperately long for children, it’s agonizing. I wonder what is wrong with me? Don’t I deserve love? affection? attention? I don’t want my impatience to make me compromise the things I believed I “deserved” because some nights I feel like I would settle for a warm embrace, even if that meant knives to my back. Where are you love? Because I am seeking you around every corner, but it’s getting colder. Another endless winter.

11.13

I don’t know why when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind was “Life is just an interview.” You’re constantly testing me. Challenging me. It gets frustrating, but I know you see what’s inside of me. I know you see the greatness. I keep thinking I am so in love with you because the things you pull from me. But I realize now, I give you way too much credit. Whatever you want to call The Creator, The Author, Love, Allah, Yaweh,ENERGY, Inner G, WHATEVER NAME YOU WANT TO USE, this force that pushes and pulls and creates and destroys and loves and hates and gives life and takes life, this force that draws me into you regardless of how much I resist. Knows me, knows what I need. Knows how to move me and break me and build me up. This force talks to you if you listen. It will give you all the secrets to loving me if you just listen. The second thing that comes rushing to my mind is you. Always you.

11.13.17

I want to get far away from here. I daydream about rides off into the sunset. About going to essence festivals and not being looked at funny because I’m not a goofy white girl. Even tho I look white. I imagine somewhere I can just be myself, dancing in the hot desert sun, sand whirling around me like fairy dust, sticking to my baked body. I get in these moods where literally every person I can hear breathing around me sets me on edge. Especially anyone interrupting my daily routine. I’m very mechanical in a sporadic way. I need specific things to be set in place to keep me happy. I walk into work, I need my own space with my own drawers that I keep things in I may use on a daily basis; such as Tylenol to stop my head from banging as these stupid girls incessantly cluck at each other about the stupidest things like Kim K or decorating their stupid apartments or whatever gossip is most interesting. I just want to stand up out of my chair and scream “WHY THE F AM I HERE?!?!?!” With my body in the Y shape of the Village People. I am being micromanaged by a stupid witch that barely graduated high school. No college. I have a 4 year degree. That took me 8 years to get because I was working 3 jobs at a time. What kind of America is this? You’re suppose to put in the work and get rewarded. That’s not good enough. You have to be a shark. A vicious monster. Monster I do well. But always to the wrong people. I wish to stab in the back all my adversaries but I end up kissing their rings and hoping they hold me close enough to change their minds. I hope one day to be such a great literary phenomenon that I can flaunt my success to all these haters that ever tried to flex their “power” over me. What control do you have? I think that’s why I have no appreciation for authority. I care not what title some baboon has given you to make you think you can control me. What I care about are actions that make you a worthy leader. Behavioral patterns that make you trustworthy.

11.12.18

I don’t deserve you
My love has been sullied by the wandering
soldiers seeking shelter in the civil war of my
mind
You
You with your sweet heart full of love
Your beautiful mind full of pure thoughts
Your genius brain
Seeking to help and understand
And I
Me, a curmudgeon
Jealousy fueling all of my intentions
Selfishness my modus operandi
I am the devil in a dress
To your angel cloaked in righteousness
What a peculiar pair
You are nothing that I wanted
Everything that I needed
Taming this Tasmanian devil in my soul
Stopping me from spinning out of control
Every house of cards I build
I come huffing and puffing
And lighting on fire
“What a big mouth you have”
The better to ruin your life with, my dear
I will cop an attitude
I will swing from mood to mood like Tarzan
through the jungle
I will bang on my chest trying to BE THE
MAN when I know that’s your role I’m
pretending to fill when I don’t approve of
how you’re doing it yourself
Like I have any clue how a man should be a
man
All my misguided notions fueled by fear
Fear of missing out
Fear of falling short
Fear of failure
Fear of the inevitable injury to my already
triaged heart
Could you ever love me?
This foul creature I wish I didn’t have to be
But the world doesn’t let little girls with
flowers in their hair turn into women with
innocence and grace
No this world turned me into a warrior
Stripped me of my identity
Placed all of these labels on me and told me
to be defined by them
Mold and shape myself into the role I must
play
Be beautiful, sensual, pleasing
My self worth derived from my sexuality
But then condemns me for being too sexy
I feel like I dreamed you up
Somehow the dark corners of my mind find a
place to let light in
Then somehow you come into fruition
You and all the crosses you bore with my
name on them
King of the fools
AND I StILL FIND IT HARD TO FOLLOW YOU
And I still nail you to the cross every chance I get
Forgive me lover for I have sinned
You
You with your forgiveness and patience
And I
I don’t deserve you