11.14

I don’t really know if anyone else does this, but I make deals and bets with the universe. It’s just the way we communicate, like two old mobsters. I love God/the Universe/Love/etc so much because of this. Love really meets you exactly where you are and who you are. As long as you’re looking. You’ve got to be looking for it. My latest deal was that I would abstain from sex for one year. My one year dick free anniversary was 11/8. I am not sure why I thought that at precisely midnight the ceiling would open up and my husband would manifest and descend from on high to make fierce and ferocious love to my jonesing body, but nothing of the sort. Instead it was just another lonely night. Falling asleep sitting on the sofa. I wonder how many years of loneliness I will have to endure? I wonder what my husband is out there doing right now? I feel like I would look him in his eyes and recognize him immediately. So I’ve been a tad peeved at Love because what the hell are you waiting on? I’m getting older, I start to see the skin on the back of my hands changing and fear immediately strikes my heart. I so desperately long for children, it’s agonizing. I wonder what is wrong with me? Don’t I deserve love? affection? attention? I don’t want my impatience to make me compromise the things I believed I “deserved” because some nights I feel like I would settle for a warm embrace, even if that meant knives to my back. Where are you love? Because I am seeking you around every corner, but it’s getting colder. Another endless winter.

2 thoughts on “11.14

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