***TRIGGER ALERT*** PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SEXUAL ABUSE. I do not ever want to be the cause of any emotional trauma. This is strictly to raise awareness and call for a change.

I am going through a lot of scary things right now. Currently, I am hooked up to a heart monitor; for the last 23 hours and for one more. I feel like it’s a leash around my body. I feel held down by so many things. My job, my relationships, my past, my body. I cannot seem to keep them all healthy and fully functioning at once. Why is it so hard for me to manage everything? I think about all of the things circling around my ecosystem and I wonder how I fix it all. I feel out of control. Is it a cop out to just give control to this invisible force that supposedly has control of it all? Is my energy just an extension of it or vice versa? Something trending on social media that I saw this morning was #WhyIDidntReport… it brought me back to two memories. I don’t even know how to put them into words. When I was 14 my brother had a friend that was 19. He was a skateboarder, tall and skinny punk rock kid with curly hair which has always been my favorite. He kissed me in the street after he did a skate trick. He would email me all of the time and tell me about so many things. At the time I did not know what he was doing but I later when I was MUCH MUCH older realized he was grooming me. He would take my hand and rub it on his crotch until he came. He would put his fingers inside of me. Tell me how “mature” I was and how I was “more of a woman” than most girls his age. I had made a promise to be a virgin until I was married. But he would always say sexual things and try to tell me how we were in love and he was always thinking about me. I later found out he did this to a lot of young girls my age. Now he has a daughter and I am terrified for her. I recently saw him, 16 years later and I ran to the bathroom and vomited. After that, he started messaging me on social media making comments about my appearance and how he missed me. Why didn’t I report? We were “in love.” I thought he actually wanted to love me and was just “making me a women.” When he left me for another girl he made me feel worthless. I realized he just had a fetish for little girls. Why didn’t I report? He did not technically “rape” me. He convinced me that I wanted it. I was just a child.

When I was 16, I use to suffer from depression because I was obese. The only attention I really ever got was from the guy when I was 14. And he was just abusing me. I hung out with older kids. I was a Junior in high school and My senior friends and I had a couple college friends that lived downtown Chicago. So, one weekend we took the train up there. We were drinking heavily. I was taking anti-depressants and alcohol would have an intense effect on me. I loved it because I did not value my life much at that point at all. I was drunk in the basement of this huge house party that was 3 stories packed shoulder to shoulder. I went in the bathroom of the basement because I started to get so woozy I could barely walk. In there, I got on my knees in front of the toilet and splaid across the toilet and started puking.

My college friend had a roommate. Roommate came into the bathroom and saw me sick and tried to “help” me. He was wiping off my mouth and holding my hair. Next thing I knew he was forcefully tugging my hair and shoving his penis in my mouth. I was choking and spitting up and it just excited him more. He then tried taking off my pants but saw the bloody pad I was wearing. Thank God I was on my period. At that, he got disgusted and left me laying there sobbing on the bathroom floor. When I tried to tell my friend, he didn’t believe me. He talked to his roommate and his roommate said that I was “down” that I “wanted it” and that we were just “having some drunk fun.” Then my friend told me I should be proud that I was a high school girl that got to hook up with a college guy. Why didn’t I report? No one believed me. No one cared? I drank too much? I was just a fat girl that was lucky to get attention?

Here’s a poem I wrote about it…

Should I let him rape me?
Take what’s left of my dignity?
Strip away the very last shreds of what’s left of me?
Was I wearing a short skirt? Yes
Blouse not all the way buttoned? Yes
Was I giving him eyes? Yes yes
But did I expect him to rip all that open? Rip me open?
Ruin my insides?
Should I let him rape me?
Culture saying it was a choice
Proves the worthlessness of my voice
A kiss doesn’t mean consent
Even if I had to much to drink
When I fucking say “stop, slow down”
What the hell would make you think
I’m just being a tease
That what I really mean is yes
Go ahead and tear thru me and my dress
Face pressed
Into the cold tile
Of that bathroom floor
Should I let him rape me?
Can’t seem to stop him anymore
And those 5 pumps until the exhale of “its over”
But it’s never really over
Every day walking down the street
Looking over my shoulder
Every unwarranted touch
Makes my soul jump thru my skin
In fear that it’s just something about me
That it will happen to me again
And I feel it hard to trust again
To love again
Afraid my wishes mean nothing compared to a man’s desire
And he thinks his wish is my command
And he demands he demands and he will just take it til I give in
Should I let him rape me?
Sometimes I say no but his pressure makes my mouth say yes
And here I am again
Cold bathroom tile floor
Just wanting him to love me
But he wants something more
Should I let him rape me?
Heart pounding thru my chest
Did I let him rape me?
Did I LET him rape me?
Did I LET HIM rape me????
Can you guess will you guess?
Ask this culture the question
The answer will be yes.
Ask the judge the question the answer will be yes
Ask a MAN this question the answer will be yes
Ask my sister. My mother. My grandmother. Her grandmother.
Face pressed against the cold tile floor
How could we stop the his raping
Nevermore nevermore nevermore
Teach our sons the same thing
Spark this conversation
Could I let him rape her
Or could I stop it in it’s tracks
Teach me son respect and love
And to always have a woman’s back
To be the protector and lover that man was created to be
To save all the women
Who were attacked like me
Could I let him rape her?
Or could I cultivate a new culture
Take down a monster
By raising a man
Fulfilling gods divine plan
My son the knight in shining armor
Image of his father
Protector of this delicate
Promise keeper
Real man
And we never have to ask again
Did he really rape her?

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