11.21

I woke up at 5:30 AM with my mind ablaze. I have resisted so many things that took me captive before, yet I still cannot seem to find my direction. I try not to allow myself anger. I try not to allow myself gluttony, envy, greed.

My thoughts are so much clearer in the morning. There is a man that always plagues my thoughts. I wish I could resist him. I have tried so hard. I have been without my vices for months, years on end. But I cannot seem to go a day without thinking of him. But why must love be war? Do you know why? I believe there are two forces in this world. Love and fear. All emotions are subcategories of these forces. We fear love because we have been hurt by it in the past and fear is a very sneaky devil. It will convince you that it was all love’s fault but generally it was fear that caused someone you believed loved you in the first place to sin against you. Love gets blamed all the time. Why? Because we do not seek to understand love. There have been a million books, seminars, religions, motivational speeches, rallies, crusades created all in the name of love or the study of love. Yet, we cannot look the person we love in the eye and understand them. Because we are constantly just trying to be understood yet not seeking to understand.

I want to be so enthralled in love that I will never have to question the intention. I do not want jealousy to control my perceptions any longer. I wish to be free of fear. Free of anger. Free to look this man in his eye and let him know me. Let him understand what it means to love me. Let me understand what it means to love him.

So many people call themselves “believers” yet, they do not love the people around them. They are fearful of them. Jealousy stems from that fear. Racism stems from that fear. Prejudice stems from that fear. If believers believe in god and god is love then how could you say you believe in god if you believe more in fear? If you trust more in fear how could you even think you trust in god?

I believe in love. I do not believe in the god I think that religion has created. I am still seeking to understand love. Seeking to understand what is what. But I do know that I no longer want my life to be controlled by fear. I do not want the love inside of me to hide because of fear. I will sacrifice everything for love. That’s powerful. And I understand that reality. Sacrifice.

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