11.12.16

Friends, on your darkest days, what shines down on you? What songs blare through your ears threatening to burst through your speakers? What whiskey gets you through the night? What flavor of ice cream comforts you? What is your pacifier? Your safety blanket? Where do you feel home? And what do you do when you feel like you’ve lost all of these things? Like they’ve rotted away in the attic of your soul and all that’s left is a memory of some trace of peace?

11.12.19 HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY REGGIE MY RENEGADE BABY LOVE U BOO <3

It’s hard to tell the truth. Where do you even begin? It’s easy to start right in the middle and look back while the story is going. But then again, there’s so much backstory, how could present day be the perfect place to start? I guess I will start by just telling you about myself. Because honestly, whatever it is I am about to tell you may not even be the truth. Only my version of it. And who could tell if that’s really truth because my perception has been so distorted and altered, years of Mary Jane daydreams and delusional living. But aren’t we all just a little delusional? Don’t we tell ourselves little white lies just to get by? See, it’s hard to tell the truth.
I am a Leo. Dramatic af. fr. Like fr fr. I get bored very easily. I am a cat, so of course Tom loves chasing Jerry around. But if he ever caught him, he would get bored and stop playing. That’s how I am with men. I love playing with them. But once I have my claws sunk in and they aren’t playing anymore, I am over it. What is the fun in playing with a dead mouse? It’s just the sport of the thing. Not much more entertains or satisfies me like that. I have gone to speed dating events just to simply see how many men I can make fall in love with me under a time limit.
I am always begging for attention from the alpha. Daddy issues?? Yes, I think so. Oh well. That’s the story of a million girls. Typical. I have a twist of sociopathic narcissism. But I feel like if we REALLY tell the truth, that’s pretty typical as well. We all have good ole social guilt to keep us all in line.
I think my biggest issue is I don’t know what I am subscribed to. And I keep letting people influence my beliefs. But I feel like my beliefs are just resources that I can reference when I am trying to win an argument. And I have finally found a man that there is no winning with.

“I have been boy crazy since day 1. I don’t know what it is about men that is just so wonderful to me. The curve of their strong jaw, their capable hands. The broadness of the shoulders. I could sit and stare at a man all day and fall in love. This is what has distracted me throughout my lifetime. I meet a man, and my entire life course is derailed so that I can go on some grand adventure of what I think is love but turns out to be some narcissistic mind game where they are the saw dude and I am some dumb broad chopping off my own leg to survive. But I loved them none the less. A part of me always has to I guess. Or else what was it for? I remember the first guy I was gaga over what my girlfriend’s brother. We were 6. I had my first kiss a couple months after that from some boy named Nathan. We use to always pretend we were getting married and our favorite part was now you may kiss the bride. That was the closest I have ever gotten to the alter. I have this picture of this perfect guy in my head. He would be a great listener, he would know when to give me space, when you smother me with affection, he would know to stop me if we are running in the rain to our car to kiss me like Noah in The Notebook. He would know to play Usher all day if I want to be in a good mood and play Michael Jackson all day when I am cleaning. He would know that if I am crying I NEED chocolate. I think that if I could find one that would do all of these things then maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to…” Lea pauses

“The need to what?” Says Eileen.

“I don’t know, the need to get away from them. Free from them.” Lea has a look on her face that Eileen can’t quite make out. Lea looks pleased with herself but also confused. Eileen decides to push deeper

“Do you think that this may have anything to do with your father being neglectful of your needs?” Eileen knew that Lea’s father was a very sore subject with Lea and over the past 16 sessions every time that Eileen has tried to work out some of the issues or to at least open Lea up, lea has shut down.

Lea looks up at Eileen and smirks at her. “I think we are about out of time for today.” Lea says as she starts to gather her purse

Eileen chuckles a little “I thought that was my line?”

Lea gets up and gives Eileen a hug, “Do you really think this is working?”

Eileen sighs “you have to open up more Lea. I have told you this. You want to get to the deep rooted issues, you have to face them. I know it’s not easy but…”

Lea cuts Eileen off, “I just don’t know if I can tell you all of my deepest darkest secrets just because you’re a therapist now. I have known you for too long.”

Eileen laughs again, “girl, I know more about you than anyone else. Ive been analyzing you for 12 years.”

“Well then what’s your diagnosis doc?”
“I would have put you in the looney bin a long time ago”
They both laugh and Lea leaves.

11.11.2

I am indecisive
It takes me about 20 minutes in the morning
just to decide if I’m going to get out of bed or
not.
Another 20 to decide if I’m goin to work
Another 20 to decide on what I will wear.
Which is ridiculous because my job has a
uniform
I AM INDECISIVE
I’ve gone without a car for two years
For the simple fact I cannot decide if I want a
Jeep or a camero
I am indecisive you should see me walking
around a store picking up products only to
put them on a shelf 5 aisles away
Are you listening to what I am sayING
I AM INDECISIVE.
So that fact that I made a decision the
moment I saw you
THIS ONE IS MINE GIRLS I CALL DIBS
the fact that the decision wasn’t returned within
the 3 days buyer’s remorse laws
The fact I wrote out this lifetime contract in
Morse code to the beat of my heart
Well that should mean something to you.
Because sometimes I can’t even decide
what pair of socks I should pick to match my
shoes
I am indecisive
But an immediate decision was made when
it came to you
This perfect fit for me
See Eddie was all the other girls fantasy
I’m not sure why but Urkel was my wet
dream
Maybe because a black man was portrayed
as the genius he is
Instead of the thug society wanted to paint
him to be

11.5

My consciousness twisted and morphed
Now there’s no ceilings, no walls, no floors
Oh, I’m outside
Outside my mind
Where the greenest grass isn’t even real
And there’s a different pill for everything you
want to feel
Or never want to feel
Gravity is ready to swallow me
Jonah in the belly of the whale
I just pray he spits me up on your shore
I’ve been running and running from you
All the countries, galaxies, dimensions —-
your love scares me
Fighting my flight
But I take off every time
And lifetimes pass
And still somehow we are this Hancock
match
Forces stronger than gravity pulling you to
me
Me to you
The more I resist, parts of me are ripped
from my grip
Polarities evolve into possessions
Slivers of my fragile love
Abrasions causing you infections
This monstrosity of my affections
Scissor hands wishing to hold you tenderly
Wish these poison ivy lips could express
what you mean to me
But instead I leave you breathless
With my death kiss
And your death grip
Still tightly fisted
slightly twisted
Suffocation my soul
And your skin deep blue with cold
And I still somehow cannot seem to let you go
Cannot bring myself to let you go…

10.23

And even if your name riddled all of the history books
One day
books
won’t even exist
So then what would your existence mean
in the scheme of things
And how can you come to grips with the
realization at hand?
That in the end… you are just a man, a man,
a
man.

9.29

I feel frightened 90% of the time
Looking into these zombie dead fish eyes
Goblins and ghouls, they don’t scare me
What’s terrifying is that most people get
most of their education from TV
Attention span shortened into a stream ten
second clips
Because snapchat has set the precedent
And the only stories now told are the ones glowing from a screen
And memories are no longer something
tucked away in your brain
But floating in a cloud somewhere