12.6

I think I am avoiding writing because I honestly don’t want to think about you. It’s been days since I walked away and I do not even know if I will ever see or hear from you again. 18 months meant a lot to Ty Dolla $ign but I am afraid it doesn’t mean shit to you. “Although my heart can’t take no more, I keep on running back to you.” 
I can never tell who has the bigger right to be mad. All the ways you betrayed my trust and left me out in the cold to fend for myself. But yet you always thought you were protecting me. I am so furious at you. You have done and said things that I would have never thought would come from you. But I know I drive you crazy. I know you don’t understand me because sometimes I do not even understand myself. But when I look at you, I can’t help but love you. I keep expecting you to peek around the corner and do something to annoy the shit out of me. But you’re not going to. And how am I just suppose to forget about all of this? You say you don’t care. How could you just not care? Love is not suppose to keep a record of wrong, but after I saw all the things you said about me… you’re a coward. You were writing about how horrible I was when I was writing love letters and poems. Why must I continually go through this cycle? I have elevated. I have ascended beyond this behavior. Why is it still a struggle to find a man to be equally yoked with? Does he exist? It’s like either a man child, a cheating whore, a mama’s boy, an asshole, or a closeted homosexual. Where are the men of valor? Where are the gladiators? Why do they all trick me into thinking they are then they just turn at the first sight of war? Sometimes I can’t help but think it’s my fault? I am suppose to be the queen that speaks to the king in him. I find myself losing patience and engaging in the childish games. Practice what you preach, girl. How do I break these generational curses if I am too afraid to identify them? I look at my parents relationship and how they were CONSTANTLY fighting. Never any peace. That’s not the life I want to live. 18 months literally drained the life out of me. I do not want to blame the heart issues I am having solely on this but I know if has to be a huge contributing factor. The stress, the resentment, the unforgiveness. What is the Author’s purpose? Do I learn to love and forgive him? Or do I love and forgive myself by walking away from the toxicity? It’s not my job to change him. It’s not my responsibility to heal him. He has to heal himself. But my heart misses him so much. I need more answers and I just keep getting more questions. I am trying to seek first the kingdom, but I feel like I have been on community service duty picking up all the trash in the ditches around the kingdom. LET ME IN!!!! You can show up to this party anytime you wish, Universe, we’d appreciate the help.

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