Healing – first steps

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I recently read a meme that said “I could not heal because I kept pretending I wasn’t hurt”

I allow myself so many distractions, my cell phone,

I literally just clicked out of writing this to scroll thru Facebook. Social media is SUCH a distraction. But I will even distract myself by doing daily tasks. I am the kind of person that I do not want to SIT in my pain. I hate being sick I feel like I am a prisoner. But there have been very pivotal moments in my life where I have been ignoring something for so long that the universe really SITS ME ON MY ASS so that I can pay attention to the things I have been ignoring. Makes me conscious to my own toxicity. I believe dealing with these heart issues, that now is really one of those times. I will consume and consume without giving much thought what goes into my body AS LONG AS IT TASTES good. That’s like drinking watermelon flavored poison. I really have been thinking about my decisions and my future. I was doing so well for so long being conscious of every little thing that I was doing, financially, spiritually, eating, sleeping, but it just became all so overwhelming trying to track and trace every little decision so I kind of just gave up on everything because I allowed myself to be distracted BY A MAN. And the universe knows this is my greatest weakness is men. I become so obsessive. Trying to find validation in men, trying to seek love from men. Trying to MEAN SOMETHING to a man. My existence cannot be validated from anyone other than myself. I recently have been reflecting on so many things I have not forgiven my father for, all of this pent up resentment inside of myself because of mean and hurtful things he has said to me. BUT EVEN THAT is just a distraction. See, the shadows try to trip you up with old things you thought you laid to rest, especially when you become stronger, and you’ve already overcome those things. I want to blame all of these negative feelings on my past, on my father, my mother, past lovers, past hurts, past offenses. BUT I AM THE ONE ALLOWING THE FEELINGS. I must resist. I must not ignore though. I think That you can’t just say “oh yeah, I am over it” and just keep saying that to yourself until you convince yourself you believe it but the problem is still riding on your back. You have to acknowledge. Acknowledging is YOU taking back that power. So, here I am dissecting the issues. Was I given enough love and attention when I was a child? Absolutely not. Do I have a healthy relationship with my parents? Absolutely not. But I can sit here and cry about it until the day they die and then be devastated I never got the chance. But I recently told my father, “hey, I need consistency from you. I need to know you want a relationship with me and that you care about me.” That was a HUGE step for me. And realizing that I have to release all of this anger that I have towards him BECAUSE HE HAS HIS OWN BATTLES. He has his own broken relationships. He has his own past hurts and past offenses. We so often ignore our own pain so we also ignore the pain of others. We are walking around with our bloody guts in our hands because we are so wounded that when we pass by others that are falling, we cannot even catch them. So, this is going to be a new part of my routine, recognizing and acknowledging my pain so that I can heal. And Also becoming more emboldened to let others know how they inflicted pain on me. So that maybe in return they can have the courage to share with me how I may have inflicted pain on them so that we can both grow together as oppose to going to war with each other to see who can inflict the most pain. So that we can forgive each other and learn our own toxicities and clean our own messes before we infect others.

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