I woke up this morning not knowing I would become a killer.
I wake up and it’s still dark in my room. I think it may be 3 something. I look at my phone, 12:32AM. I have a text. But it’s not from who I wish it’s from.
“I miss you”
I go back to sleep. Why can’t the right words ever come out of the right person?
I wake up again. They all tried to warn me about the Texas heat but I laughed it off. I was smart and stupid to come in March to see if this is where I wanted to live. Cool breezes and cloudy, seemed a lot like home in the spring, I didn’t think it could be much different. Now that we are rounding the corner of May, I am waking up sticky and irritable. 5 something I guess. 5:28AM. I may as well start my routine.
I lay in bed for an hour grunting, tossing from side to side. My little dance to the universe like the ungrateful child I am wanting more sleep only to be even more sluggish throughout the day if I do get it. I always say good morning to the creator, because I was given energy to wake up this morning, what a blessing. I try to just listen for an hour. Anything I am suppose to do just be silent and listen, make myself a servant. This morning I heard go to youtube, I went, a tarot reading for Leo. I keep asking my creator is this evil? I don’t have a bad gut feeling so I keep listening. It’s funny how the universe gives signs wherever you ask for them. You just have to believe.
So I have no idea why the urge to go lay on the crappy cheap Walmart foam mattress I got when I first moved in and just had laying on the floor, I moved into the guest bedroom for if any of my friends come and stay with me. Well, I just go in there and lay on it and I am laying there listening to this Tarot reading telling me that the most recent person I have been dealing with is in love with me and they are lying to themselves about their feelings so I am like all into this reading and all of a sudden there’s a scurry in my peripheral vision. I jerk my head to the right and freeze like in a kung fu movie. The enemy freezes as well. I am staring at a roach about 6 inches long you gosh dang right everything is bigger in Texas. All of a sudden I start SCREAMING. It was like a feminine instinct. I didn’t even decide to. I know the biological reason is probably so a man can hear the scream and come to the rescue BUT GUESS WHAT?! Ain’t no man came to my rescue so run to the kitchen, grab the roach spray, run back, and I am just trying to drown this bitch in chemicals. It’s running faster. In fact, I feel like I am about to die from the spray but it seems to be giving this dude like spinach to Popeye. He’s out of my vision. I run back into the kitchen and get the extra roach traps I had picked up to replace the old ones in 3 weeks and I said FORGET IT. I am gonna have these babies all around this joint. I do not care. I rather be roach free than judgement free. So I have about 12 of these traps in my arms and some open caulk roach killer food to line the cracks because I bet you anything they are coming in through that closet because it’s next to the neighbor. I keep my place so immaculate I bleach the drains, the floors, the counters. Hell, I scrub the floors on my hands and knees and when I first moved in I checked everywhere and laid traps everywhere. I HATE BUGS. I am whining and crying walking back to set more and more traps and then, there I see it, crawling across the other side of the mattress. I scream again and all of the traps go flying into the air. I instantly think to myself this ain’t no ordinary roach. This a mutant roach. This a bad dangerous dang roach. I need a weapon that will annihilate this muhfucka.
I bolt to my room grab the thickest chancla I have, rush back to the room, THE SUCKER IS GONE.
I am like dang this is a ninja roach. He must have been trained by Walker Texas Ranger himself. I lift up the bed, nothing. I look in the closet, nothing. I look all around, nothing. disappeared.
I think to myself, What would Bruce Lee do if he was fighting a roach forged in the fiery pits of Mordor?
I stand there and I don’t move. I calm my breathing, I stand very still.
I see the scurries underneath the vacuum cleaner cord, I rush over, I fling the vacuum cleaner aside and with all the force and anger of not being called for 8 days by your lover and no texts snaps youtube links nothing, not a notification for 3 days I put that anger and force that into the whack of this vile bug. As I am whacking for some reason I scream “HIIIIII YAH!!!!! Like I use to in karate. Hahahahahahah He crunches underneath me. A relief settles over me.
Then a guilt. I have just ended a life. Who am I? How dare I? Why do I get to make that call?
So, I must go on trial. I documented the scene of the crime. I submit the murder weapons for evidence.
Isn’t it funny that I did not feel a ping of guilt about laying a trap for them to take back to their entire nest and kill the whole family because I didn’t have to witness it? But now that I have to use my own hands to do so, now, all of a sudden I feel guilt?
Maybe I only don’t like roaches because they are ugly. What’s the difference between a roach and a cat? Or a dog? You feed them, clean up their poop, they pee everywhere. Pets love you back? I am sure roaches love whomever provides their food. More food than I can even eat is provided to me. Why can I not share with the roaches?
CUZ THATS NASTY. THATS WHY.
I HATE BUGS.