4.7.2020

I’ve made up my mind a million times about love. And changed it shortly thereafter. We hinder love a lot because of fear. When we are children, we know nothing of the world except our world that’s in front of us; what sweet bliss. As we grow older we learn that there are experiences outside of ourselves, we start to care for others and step into their universe. As a child when something you enjoyed was happening, you got excited. You jumped up and down, you danced, you laughed. Nothing hindered you. Now, your fear of the moment ending, loss of control, judgement from others, unrequited love, all of these things hinder you from fully experiencing love.

I want to let myself go in love. I find it so interesting that everyone thinks they have control. Drive to the Colorado Rockies in the middle of an ice storm and get out of your car with a t shirt and booty shorts on and just look up at the sky in the middle of the trees. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. And what a blessing. The world doesn’t stop turning at your breath. Yet, you try to make people bow to you. Why? Why this desire for power? fear. I am afraid that if I care, I love, I want, I desire, that I am weak. You knowing how I feel only gives you power to hurt me. I must let go. I must recognize my own strength. I must give in to love, to let love lead the way. It’s crazy how much I run from the voice of God and try to distract myself from what it’s telling me by getting caught up in trying to figure out it’s name or gender or race or religion lol. It’s like I’m playing guess who with God. Mystery date lol. WHY? The voice remains just the same. Like I said, collective consciousness. So, I share a mind with it. The light, and the dark. Where does my balance come from? Listening to the voice and the teaching. Trying to be useful, allowing my talents to reach others. And trying to keep from causing men to sin. No longer being the siren, but being the servant.

I miss him so desperately. All I want to do is call him. If I could just hear his voice. He’s just gotten off work a little bit ago. I can imagine him, fresh out of the shower, beads of water decorating his beautiful Carmel skin. Him looking up at me after he pulls on boxers and giving me that side smile with those juicy lips. I could kiss him until the cows come home and I ain’t got no cows. That boy does something to me and opens me up like a damn rose. I am in love and I don’t see why I have to pretend that I am not incredibly just smitten with this man? I am like a kid when daddy comes home, running to the door screaming and jumping. I want to be with him all the time every second of every day just being in his presence. I don’t know why I continue to just throw my entire heart into things. He pulls back from me and I don’t know if I have the energy after that last heartbreak to go after him.

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