This morning I woke up at 4:04 AM. I couldn’t stop thinking about Sweet Dee. I had to cancel my trip back home to see him because I just had a feeling. Do you ever just have a feeling? The energy is off with him. I should have left him on block. I have to stop looking back into Sodem before I turn into a pillar of salt. I rather turn my lover into stone. Hard and strong. I am longing desperately for his perfect pink lips on mine. The soundtrack to my tragedy is Texas rain. And like they say, everything is bigger including the raindrops. I wish they would drown all my memories of his love away. I cried all the way home because the storm was rolling in blowing trash all over the freeway. I have never seen the wind so strong and fierce throwing tree branches and leaves and dust just encompassing my car. I was terrified and I wanted to call him so badly and I knew he wouldn’t answer and that just welled Texas raindrop Tears from my eyes and I didn’t know what was shaking my car worse, the storm outside or the storm that was happening inside of me bursting forth. I just kept thinking, “what did I do wrong?” And how do I always seem to mess up every single time I try to have a relationship. But I realize that I am just being myself. And If being yourself messes up how someone feels about you, then you don’t want to be with that person to begin with.
Watching the storm I just kept thinking about God and how I spent so many years arguing and deliberating with him about what his name was. I am learning so much more about God. How he doesn’t like to be ignored. We share this in common. Everything today was going wrong. I woke up way too early. Had a terrible migraine. Had diarrhea. My wet hair pressed to the front of my left breast right at nipple level so it looked like I was leaking milk. On lunch, I dropped buffalo sauce all over my pants. I set my lemonade in my cupholder and my AirPod stuck thru the bottom so it flooded my cupholder which was holding my weed and my AirPods… obviously both were ruined. Then, the storm. I think it’s because God told me to make it right with Torrean and I keep putting it off. I know that I owe him an apology for everything but I just want to send him a copy of my book so he can understand the depths of the pain he caused me and I feel like he wouldn’t even require an apology. But I think I hurt him very badly too. And I want to make it right. I just wish I knew how. I miss him so much as my friend and I allowed my feelings to block that friendship and that will forever be my biggest regret. I hope one day I could find the words to make him understand how much he always has and will mean to me. It hurts my heart that I can’t talk to him like a normal conversation. It just gets to aggressive when all I ever wanted was to try and make him understand me.
I started my new job today. I had a bad attitude going in, judging from where I have been and the things I accomplished to my current role. I was looking down on it like I was better. But if I were better, would I be NEEDING a job from them? Pride comes prancing before the hardest falls. Like I said, interesting day. So I just wanted to Thank God for the blessing of employment at this trying time. I want to thank him for everything he provided and placed in my way. I want to thank him for my safety and the safety of my family. I want to thank him for softening the hearts of kings so that they can do the right thing even when it’s hard. I want to thank him for his healing and restoration to the beautiful hearts that I have hurt, the hearts in my community that are hurting, and all the hearts hurting across the universe. Please bring restoration, clarity, WHITE LIGHT, healing magic. Healing art. Healing love making. Healing conversations. Healing family times. HEALING. Cleanses come before the healing so it may hurt NOW. But that healing is coming and making me stronger and Creator, I thank you for that as well. Let me bless as I am blessed and love as I am loved.