My father always use to say to me, “there are no atheists in a foxhole.” I never knew what the hell he was talking about. Until I crashed my car into the back of a flatbed trailer semi and my head almost came off my shoulders which would have landed in the backseat. Could you imagine that big ole melon coming clean off because of a crazy series of coincidences. And there, I saw God. Blood dripping down my nose, the light flashing in my eyes. Red white and blue flashing all around me. 6 men strapping you to a stretcher is better than buckling you into a casket. I changed my entire life after that. Dedicated myself to making my life better. I backslid soooooo many times. Forgetting my goal, my purpose, losing motivation. Now, the world is ending and I ran away to Texas. I already saw death. I am hard to kill.
Aren’t prayers just spells? What exactly is the difference? Witches don’t believe that they are the source of magic. Neither do prophets. Oracles. We are messengers. Vessels, servants.
I don’t believe in the domestication of animals. I think that domesticated animals are just spirits from other worlds influencing humans. But I am so lonely that I saw a cat crossing my courtyard and I became so excited. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I do love animals that I was just scarred by the time my father made me give away my kitten. Or the time we came home and my dog was laying dead in the road. Or the drunk asshole that hit my other dog right in front of me when I was bringing my sister home from a high school dance. And she’s sobbing in her evening gown. My heart hurts now just thinking about it. The scene of my father and brothers digging the grave of the family dog of the decade. The pain of the memories of the dog you grew up with.
Maybe I let that callus me a little. Are we all not just trying to survive? How do we not let these things numb us? We try so hard not to feel the pain, but then, where does all of that pain go? Yelling at your wife? Hitting your kids? Harming yourself? When we don’t communicate our pain, it WILL find another way out. This is life, these are cycles. How many diseases are caused by repression of emotion? I will never regret telling people how I feel about them. I rather have expressed myself and completely humiliated myself than to live a false self, secrets at every turn swallowing you whole, decaying your sense of self so deeply that you become a toxic breeding ground for emotional viruses.
I still think cats are aliens. But any friend I can get right now is a blessing. Even an alien one. I feel very alone out here. Today is Easter and it’s so gloomy. I came here for the sun. Now, everyone tells me how much Houston floods. I guess I knew that but I didn’t realize that. What’s happening in Houston? I think it’s some kind of prank the Universe is pulling on me that I move across the country to start a new life and the entire world shuts down. No fun for me. Whats that quote? “Gods laughing while you’re making plans” or something? Another theory is that I am living in the Truman show and my ex is orchestrating this whole thing to make me miserable for leaving him. Nothing is how I expected it to be or wished it to be. But I will be grateful nonetheless.
I can see now why Torrean was so hard on me. He wanted me to be excellent. Because when you’re excellent, you don’t accept mediocrity. I wish he would forgive me.