I was dreaming about Sweet Dee all last night. I woke up with my back aching and stiff. The song on my shuffle comes on and it’s “She Think” by Buddy & Kid Jamz. Basically it’s about a “bad bitch” that thinks she loves the rapper because he makes sweet love to her, he is rich, blah blah. He goes on to say that she works for Nasa and she’s very educated and the baddest, so bad that the NBA pays her rent. I keep thinking maybe the reason I can’t keep a man is because I can’t work for NASA and the NBA probably wouldn’t even give me a free ticket to a game, let alone pay my rent. I am just regular. And to me, that’s the biggest nightmare I have ever had. I don’t understand why he just ghosted me? Was it because I sent him 35 pictures in a row? Was it because this quarantine is making me crazier than usual? I was suppose to meet him in Arizona and that got shot to shit because of this stupid virus. But I was going to fly home for Easter and he just ghosted. AFTER he told me to come home. I don’t understand. And now I am wishing I was the kind of girl that gets called to the VIP at exclusive clubs. But I have bunions. I have NEVER had a flat stomach even as a fat baby. I never got to be HOT. I only ever got to be regular. And I guess I am not complaining. I just wish I was some guy’s dream. Because these girls will be nameless in 100 years. They will only be known if someone is listening to rap from today in 100 years and thinks about the one girl a rapper banged. I wish to be a household name like Emily Dickenson. My poetry inspiring love making, art making, thought making, change making. When will the man come that will see my heart without me having to cut it out of my chest and dissect it for him? I am so tired of not being loved by a man.
The beauty of being loved by a man, protected by a man. I wanted it to be Sweet Dee so badly. He has such a beautiful heart. I don’t understand why he would treat me like this? Why he would wait until weeks after I left to abandon me? I really hope he is ok. I know this virus has taken a toll that no one can even comprehend for our first responders. I say little prayers for him throughout the day.
Today marks one month I have been in Texas. It’s getting hotter. I can’t believe what I have survived the the last month. I thank G for strength. I have no idea how I am even coping. But it’s amazing how resilient the human spirit is.
I am so down today. I am extremely emotional. I wonder, because I am ovulating today if maybe that has anything to do with it? I don’t even know what I am sad about because usually every day I can just get over it. But certain days, it feels so overwhelming. I just feel like I NEED A MAN so desperately. But this feeling will pass. I am like the cat in heat. Howling at the moon. But I do not want to. I rather be alone than be with just any man that hears my cry. I was at the laundry mat yesterday and this dark skinned dude with dreads was staring at me the whole time. He was in a Range Rover and in between cycles I would go to my car to smoke and nap in the sun. He kept going to his car too. I was in a sundress with a sports bra on. Can you imagine how trashy I looked? With slides that didn’t match my dress and my hair probably 3 days dirty. And he pulled up to my truck while I was sunbathing and I just ignored him. So he pulls off then turns around and I turned my music UP. And then he started honking. So I just raised up, looked him dead in his eye, shook my head “no” and laid back and turned the music up more. Like here I am crying over this man who is across the country and this other man is doing the absolute most to get my attention. And this is my dilemma. I may talk a lot of shit about being fat and regular and blah blah but I honestly see myself as more than the life I am living right now. I cannot settle for this. I imagine a life for myself that others would not even be able to comprehend. I do not want fame or fortune, although they will come. I want influence. But I am afraid of what comes with that. I am a good soul. I want to change this generation where we are afraid to EVEN TOUCH EACH OTHER. If they isolate us, they control us. If they have our attention IN OUR PHONES, ON OUR TVs, they control us. Even the music influences. Be careful what you consume. What you consume, you will produce and put back into the universe. That’s how this works. Consume negative thoughts, negative reports, produce toxic energy, expel toxic waste. Watch. Listen. learn.
I consume love, I reproduce love, I give love.
I still pray for forgiveness from all of those I have trespassed against. In ways knowingly and unknowingly. Sometimes I am selfish and only think of my own feelings. I act irrationally with a short temper. I am a bully and a monster when I am hurt. And I get hurt too often because I am so sensitive.
I wish to improve.