.-*listen to “SUGAR – BROCKHAMPTON” while reading this.

I am very intelligent. This is not something I like to be common knowledge. The dumber you seem, the more trustworthy you are because people don’t think you have the capacity to do certain things. Think smart, play dumb. I am sure someone has already said that. Someone has already said everything I can or ever would say, but they ain’t never said it in my accent and that’s what makes my experience beautiful. I am getting so many beautiful ideas. I am learning so many lessons about myself. Some days, I wake up so ugly. And I am ugly the whole day. And I don’t know where my spirit went in the night or what it was fighting but it left my mind and body exhausted all day. Just worn out, beat to death, ready for rest.

And other days, I wake up with the sun in my hair, fire on my lips, a yearning for love in my belly and magic in my eyes.

I know that I could be of great influence I am only getting more and more powerful. But I am very afraid of the battles I will have to fight in the near future.

They look to the screens like they are gods. Like they provide the sun and the moon and hang the stars. They blindly follow loud voices threatening with muscles. I turn my screens off. I go to the trees and the grass and I whisper prayers into their leaves. I know Creator hears me and he will send the soldiers soon. I try to show love. But what exactly is my business? I must keep myself safe. But I will say spells in my head, protection over situations that I see that don’t sit right with my soul. These glowing things they have all of our attention, our spines curling in a bow to this hand held god. And we worship. And we allow our mood to be set by the amount of attention we do or do not get. I am not impressive. I am not anything of any circumstance. I am. How can anyone think they are of any importance and not a cockroach crawling and taking what it claims is his? We don’t even know what humans ARE. We could be the portrayed consciousness of a purple blood cell in an alien. You could be imagining these words in a dream and your entire experience is just figments of a carefully engineered software which is just a login to the energy source of imagination that you think belongs to you but really it’s just a server like google. You have no idea what’s real so how can you say what’s right? And how can you define what’s love? How could you know what you know?

No, you only feel what you feel. And think what you think. That’s all that makes sense. The vibe.

I am desperately trying to let go of control. It’s crazy that letting go is also a muscle. And you have to work it out. I have been holding onto so much unforgiveness to men that have hurt me. I am letting that all go. I feel like I can straighten my back a little more.

The thing about love, it’s all about free will. If free will does not exist than love cannot either. I have tried in my past to do so many manipulative games to try and control whether or not someone falls in love with me. Now, I just simply am myself. And if they come, they come, they stay, they stay. And I will know that its true love. And they will give me room to grow and explore and experience. I will forever be on this journey to knowing myself and seeking my creator and the purpose of my creation. And I will try things, and I will fail and I will try new things. I need time and patience from a lover. A cool hand Luke. Quick draw but only when absolutely necessary.

I cannot wait to speak philosophy with my Sagittarius son. I must conceive March 2021 So I have roughly a year to find a lover. I want him to be strong, protective, provider, intellectual, open minded, lets me be the roaming lioness I am. But I also want him to be very strict when it comes to raising our boy. I know he will be wild like me. I prefer a fire sign but I will also settle for a Libra. Libra’s are my most compatible mate. I think that’s why I got along with kookie so well. I love him and his dark skin like the kookie of the Oreo. He’s about that sweet. Every time we were together we danced. He likes to party too much to be a candidate tho. I think Walk would be a good candidate but I am not sure I want to live that LA life yet. I don’t think I am glamorous enough I love the country too much. Getting my hards dirty and four wheelers and drinking a beer by a bonfire. And he wants a woman to be more like a trophy. And I am more like a wannabe comedian I make everything into a joke because that’s how my father is. And I love being like my father. I am an asshole. I am not a girly girl. I am a daddy’s girl. And I like fishing and playing catch and getting lost in the woods.

Nobody told me it was going to rain this much in Houston.
Sometimes my life feels like a blessing.
Sometimes my life feels like a punishment.
I guess I should look at it more like a lesson

I really hope all the hearts I broke forgive me.

One thought on “.-*listen to “SUGAR – BROCKHAMPTON” while reading this.

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