I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You) -*John Mayer*

The Legacy of Baby (the superdog)

In the fall of 2007 my Rottweiler, Hailey, was hit by a car and killed right in front of me and my sister whom I was giving a ride home from a formal High school dance. It absolutely traumatized me. That was my childhood dog and I witnessed her murder, it was the car directly in front of me. I tried to attack the driver. He showed no remorse he was more concerned about the damage on his car. It was my fault.

As I was leaving the house I saw her on the front porch. I kept telling her to come in the house. She was stubborn and wouldn’t listen but I just had a very bad feeling. She wouldn’t budge. So I just ignored my intuition and I left to pick up my sister from the dance.

I felt like watching her die was my punishment. A part of my heart died with her. I can still remember the picture of my father and brothers digging the hole to bury her in. The sun was just coming up. All of us were around her lifeless body, sobbing, petting her. My father and brothers digging harder as not to cry. My brother’s girlfriend was there, rubbing all of our hair, healing us. I always loved her the most.

So, spring of 2008 my parents decided it was a good idea to get another Rottweiler. My heart had already decided I would never love another dog again. This puppy’s name was Allie and she was demon possessed. I was infuriated that my parents named her something so close to Hailey. Like she was just her replacement, like it didn’t matter what kind of spirit she had, just that she looked like the other dog. How can you just use things like that and not be loyal? I never understood the way my parents think.

I had just gotten into a new relationship with a guy, he was my first so I was obsessed. I was distracted by talking to him all morning. No one was home and the puppy kept crying. I let the puppy out on a leash. My parents have a deck in their back yard. Every dog we had ever had gotten was already grown and we adopted so I was not use to caring for a puppy or what that entailed. And I was just a selfish 18 year old. I left the puppy out there for I do not know how long. Well, the puppy had fallen thru one of the spaces between the spindles and the leash wasn’t long enough, she basically hung herself off the deck. By the time I ran outside and had her limp body in my arms, it was too late. I rushed to the vet and they put her on an emergency ventilator but they could not bring her back to life. I was a murderer. All because I did not care about this dog because my Hailey was murdered and I didn’t want to love her like I loved Hailey and lose her. It just hurt too much. But now my cold heart did this. I looked at the broken faces of my family and it crushed me in a way I could never explain. I had to turn my heart cold. It just could not function like this. I cut out this piece of me and cauterized the severed place because I just could not go through this again, the loss of a pet. The brokenness of spirit after. The laments of my siblings. The tears of my family.

In fall of 2008, after my relationship had combusted, I tried to rebuild my whole life so I moved out on my own.

So in winter of 2008 when my baby sisters had finally convinced my father to get a puppy, they did not even tell me. I just remember my baby sister calling me one day asking me to come over that she had a surprise for me. I don’t know why I just knew it was a puppy. I went over there and she was this fluffy furry floppy thing. She was nothing like that other puppy she slept all the time. She had the softest fur and the softest spirit of any animal I had ever seen. But do not get it fooled, if the UPS man came to the door, or any other unfamiliar person (or familiar person she did not care for) she turned into a vicious attack dog.

She guarded my family for 12 beautiful years. And I never let my heart love her like I wanted to. I respected her. More than a lot of humans. But I wish I gave myself in to loving her.

I can’t believe she’s gone. I feel like this hurts worse than losing Hailey because of all of this regret that I feel. But how can I forgive myself for taking the lives of two beautiful animals? How can I ever trust myself again to care for another one? I try to tell myself it wasn’t my fault. But it was. I was careless and lazy. I feel like it’s just better for everyone if I just stay away. How am I so selfish that even the tragedy of losing my sisters’ childhood dog I try to make about me? Because I need to heal this trauma. Because if I do not heal the trauma that happens to me, I will try to piggyback off everyone else’s traumatic experiences. I do not want to live like that.

Love is so much pressure.

When I am on FaceTime last night with my bfs,

me: bitch I am so tired of being in this house alone every nighttttt.

her: me toooooo

me: shut up you have a man.

her: yeah but do you want a man? Or you just want a d*k

me: :oD

her: see, your ass always crying about a dude but you know how you are.

Do I? Do I know how I are?

Let me tell the WHOLE story instead of just the part where I am so in love with a guy that I am stalking him from the brush like the lioness I am watching him receive my snaps and ignoring them.

She cries to the universe PLEASE SEND ME A MANNNNN

Then a man comes, and he ignores her, disrespects her, treats her like garbage, is emotionally distant, elusive. Dishonest, a whore.

Then she falls. Deep, hard, fast.
Why? Her father ignored her for work. At first she thought it was noble, he is provider. But she sees how much he was a coward. Instead of addressing deep rooted issues in his family, he drown himself with work so he could excuse why he was never available emotionally. He always had an excuse. She forgives her father but the truth is the truth.

Men must do more than provide. Men must dissect their emotions and understand themselves.

Story continues.

As she is pining for months that sometimes turn to years over these men, another man comes. A man who is understanding, available, sweet, kind, respectful, honest. And she ignores him. Plays with him, comes and goes. And guess what? She becomes the man she loves. The more he shows interest, the more she pulls away. And the man she loves probably has a woman that is doing this to him. We all have a person we just play with when we are bored. Its no wonder we can’t figure out the energy of our soulmate. We pollute ourselves with so much other energy. How could we find each other in this fog?

But do not feel bad about the second man. I have tried choosing the second man. Guess what? As soon as you choose him, he too turns into a f*k boy.

So she plays and plays for decades.

Enough. I have had enough. I think people only settle for what they believe they deserve. I choose to believe in myself. What do I deserve? What do I demand? I am a good person.

I deserve peace.
I deserve to be a wife.

I don’t want to be a wife right now. But I want to meet my last man on the beginning of that trail right now.

We must endure pain in this life. You have to have a balance. You cannot shield anyone from experiencing pain or suffering. What ever you try to block, you will push into the opposite direction and face the pain there.

I am constantly arguing with myself if I am worth anything more than just a body to provide pleasure for a man. Why is this even a question in my mind? For men only sleep with women to be in their energy. To be embraced and let inside of the warmth of their world.

I scared my lover away. again.

I miss him so pitifully. It’s been raining for two days and I am starting to believe it’s my fault because I cannot stop crying. I only wanted to love him. And now I am searching for answers and the mean part of me, the part that is trying to hold this shit show together is saying “it is what it is.” I get no answers out of him. Silence. Drive 16 hours, my back on fire, my head pounding, my legs so swollen they are hard as rocks. silence. Heart broken. I cried for two states back home.

If the universe collected all my tears it could make up an aqua man and give me that. But life is not like that, you must yank at the robe to get attention. I guess that’s the only way they know you really mean it.

I want him back. I try to convince myself it meant nothing, it was only two months. The connection wasn’t real. But I go back and forth in my mind over and over. Replaying every moment. I am not even sure what’s real anymore because it’s just a replay of my memory, the story I told myself. I am not recalling when it happened, I am recalling the last time I recalled it. The picture distorted and more pixelated every time it is duplicated. What illusion have I concocted this time? Surely I paint everything in the rose color of love. I am a romantic. But this is not reality. The reality is he wanted to watch your booty jiggle while he pounded you. He didn’t even try to make you cum. He didn’t want to cuddle after, he wanted to go on a walk. You obliged. He bought you gas station wings and ran to his car so you didn’t have to walk the rest of the way back. He didn’t spend the whole night with you even though he said he would. He didn’t text to see if you made it home. He didn’t call the next day. He didn’t call the 5 days after that. Your best friend saw him in Walmart with another girl two days after you opened up to him after not being with anyone for 16 months. You told him what it meant to you. He didn’t care. You saw him before you left to say goodbye. He seemed to be clinging to you, not wanting you to go. You left anyways. He barely talked to you. You were traumatized watching the man in New Orleans die in the street. He had no reaction. When before you slept with him and you told him at the aquarium a man was following you, he said to call in an air strike. Is it because you’re fat? Is it because you don’t look like your pictures online? You do take nice pictures. But you’re sweet and you’re caring. But you’re ugly and you have a huge head. The only thing attractive about you is your butt and that doesn’t even look great half the time. Girls are so jealous of my butt. BUT I CANNOT KEEP A MAN EITHER.

Why do I always take it to the most negative places? I have no idea how he feels. I know he is scared of love. Love has always abandoned him. His dad left. And then when he was hard to handle as he got older his mom shipped him to his dad because she couldn’t control him. I am sure he has to have felt abandoned. And I abandoned him. I came here. But would things really be different there? Or would he have just moved onto the next girl when he was bored of me?

Why even waste your energy on these thoughts? They serve you no purpose. There is nothing you can do. It is what it is. Your heart still bleeds. Gushing all over every part of your life. Making such a mess. Control your emotions. Contain your pain. Allow this to ooze out of you like you’re sucking venom from your own wounds.

I wish I knew how to be better. How to get better. How to not allow these obstacles to consume me and overwhelm me. How to focus on what I need to get done instead of letting this colossal rejection consume me and give myself an excuse to beat the shit out of myself mentally. That helps no one. But this is the internal dialogue my parents have recorded in my brain. Oh, ONE person rejected you and didn’t like you or hurt your feelings or a circumstance didn’t work out how you wanted or you didn’t get your way or things did not go how you thought they should so lets name all the reasons you’re a failure.

Like I said, I forgive them, but the truth is the truth. I feel horrible that that is the way they were raised and that they have had to live with that kind of brain bullying since they were babies. But I cannot live like that any longer. I need to encourage myself. Tell myself what I am doing RIGHT. Be proud of myself. See MYSELF for who I am. Love myself. How? What do I need from myself? How can I show myself love?