.-*listen to “Bad at Love by Halsey” while reading this.

Accountability – authentic self

It is impossible to be truthful in any relationship if you are lying to yourself. I have painted myself the victim in so many circumstances. And lately it has been brought to my enlightenment that the reason for a lot of my stagnation and slow growth is because I have not taken accountability for my actions. I am abusive. I have narcissistic tendencies. Last night, I read through all the old iMessages that automatically saved on my computer from my phone so I got to see back the last 3 years scrolling through messages from friends and past lovers. I felt like I was an ashamed parent reading the words of my terroristic child. Taking responsibility for my words and actions is something very new to me. Most of the time when I would be speaking I would be in a dream world of kush haze, weed dazed. I had no clue how toxic I was. All those festering deep, emotional wounds that I was just walking around with spewing the poison onto others, infecting them. Abusing others with the excuse that I had been abused. I cried to God WHERE IS MY HUSBAND WHERE IS MY FAMILY but then I see how harshly I talked to so many men, how cruelly I spoke about them. I never breathed life into them. I never nourished the relationship. I had no clue HOW. Yet I somehow expected them to fix me, to love me, to heal me. I couldn’t even heal myself.

I allowed the pain of my past to turn me ugly. 

I want to control that. I want to be able to control my emotions and my reactions. 

You cannot be your true, authentic self if you don’t tell yourself the truth about yourself. 

The truth about me? I feel hideous. I feel like an ugly monster. I hated every part of my body, so I did not take care of it. I was not even taught to take care of myself. I remember never having clean clothes as a child. I did not have clean surroundings either. There would be piles and piles of dirty things, and garbage all around me. Having no structure in my day to day life. I get it, my mother had a lot going on with 6 children, she could not keep up taking care of us. She could not even take care of herself. I don’t believe that she was taught either. Now as an adult, sometimes I will change underwear twice a day. I always have to have clean socks as well, I could wear a shirt one time for ten minutes and feel the need for it to be washed. I have to have my apartment immaculate each night before I can even lay down to sleep. My brain is trying to heal that trauma with obsessive behaviors because it is so afraid of going back to that place, suffering through that abuse once again. I recognize my obsessive behaviors with men as well. I want to be in constant contact because I feel like if I cannot get ahold of them, they don’t care about me and they are gone forever. Stemming back to the anxiety my mother imparted into me every time my father walked out the door for work or even to go to the store because of how her father abandoned her. I am so afraid of being left I wage war on them psychologically so that I can feel like it’s always my choice for them to go. I can give an excuse to myself, “oh I was too much woman for them.” “oh they were intimidated by me” “oh they couldn’t HANDLE me.” I push away before they get the chance to leave, tale as old as time. And because I am not honest with myself, I cannot even admit how devastating it is to lose someone you barely got to love because you keep scorching the earth before the seeds of love you plant even get a chance to break through the soil. The failure I feel that I cannot do a simple things like keep a man around, have a man want to consistently be with me. All become I kept saying “rain” and it didn’t happen when I wanted it to. Trying to rush processes because I think I have done so many actions, but never with good intentions, never with healthy tendencies. Manipulation and control are not conducive soil for love.

Before, I would just eat and eat and eat my feelings. I was trying to fill the emptiness inside of my soul. So when I would feel that feeling of complete fullness after gorging on a huge meal that could have fed a family of 4, I felt FULL and satisfied momentarily. It was brief and short lived, and I would seek that feeling again. I would do this 3 sometimes 4 times a day and wonder how I ballooned up to the weight I was. I was constantly filling that need, that urgency, that desire with food. Instead of realizing there is a reason you constantly feel needs. Your body (physical representation of your spirit on earth) has many needs, but so does your brain (computer in your head that manages your body), your soul (emotions), your spirit (consciousness). If any of these is being starved, THEY WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY.

The way of the world is to take, and then give back. Yin and yang, consume, produce. 

So many people are consuming and they never produce anything.

For spirit, consume meditation produce prayer

For soul, consume feelings produce expression

For brain, consume information produce action

For body, consume calories produce energy

So, if you consume too many calories, the body stores that energy as fat.

This is true for every part of you. If you consume too much, you produce too much. You consume not enough, you will be weak. But it is also VERY important WHAT you consume. If you meditate on the mantra, “I am a monster. I am a flat blob. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around.” Then you will produce the prayer of that into the universe. AND GUESS WHAT, the universe will give you circumstances that make you believe those things to be true. Because when you consume negativity, and you produce toxicity and you put that into the universe, you will get that back. Yin and yang. You create your own reality. Intention only means a little when the action is harmful. 

To become my true authentic self, I must take accountability for the things I am consuming and producing. I cannot justify myself any longer for allowing myself to consume garbage. I cannot justify eating a fat greasy burger because I have had kale for a week. I know the burger is bad for me. I have to walk away from it.

Just like I cannot keep justifying my abusive behaviors because I have been abused. I cannot keep spewing off at the mouth because my feelings are hurt. It is time to grow up. It is time to take accountability, responsibility, and action. It is no one’s fault that I am in this circumstance in my life but my own. I made these decisions. I walked down this path. I got myself here. Yes, I may have listened to the advice of other people, but I only followed up with it because it was like minded from what I was already thinking. I cannot blame others for leading me astray any longer. 

I also am choosing not to associate with people that no longer feed me on all levels. I need nourishment. I need healing. That can only come from surrounding myself in that. I must plant myself in rich soul so that I can blossom and grow. 

I believe that I have found the friends to do so. I become so paranoid of them sometimes though. I allow fear to creep in and turn things toxic. I do not want to do that this time. I want to fight my jealousy. I want to confront my insecurities. This all comes with telling the truth about yourself, to yourself. Rarely is it ever something you want to hear.

But also remember to praise yourself for the progresses you have made. For the ways you have grown and overcome. For the demons you have conquered. And remind yourself that you will win this battle. That you will persevere until you are whole, healed, loving light, and a healer to those around you.

it’s like I have had to journey to the darkest crevices of eternity, find my demons, and seduce them into working for me instead of consistently trying to extinguish my existence. I bribe them with promises of times of old. Just me and them, wandering, drunk through damp streets, lonely pavements. They are my only true friends; my demons, my vices, my comforting little thieves. Because when people fail, when love fails, when your life just fails, Here you are, sweet honey whiskey, Camel menthol silver, extra large meat lovers pizza with garlic sauce, extra fat dope ass blunt pearled like a Tampax, I LOVE YOU VICES. My only friends, you were a comforting mother who loved me just as I am. You were a loyal lover, never cheating on me, always right there when it mattered the most. You were my only comfort in the long dark nights of the coldest Chicago winters of my soul. But I left you, I loved you and I left you. My infidel affair with dedication, nutrition, inner peace, soul searching all of this fucking BULLSHIT only to wait long enough to remember what it felt like when you made love to me. When your warmth was oozing down my lips, when your hands were on my inner thighs. Your soft kisses and whisper promises to guide me safely home, all the while poisoning my soul. Sweet demons, we make such beautiful love. How could you want me gone? I know I have abandoned you on the road paved with the best of intentions and I lost my way because this winding road is one lane highway two inches from a cliff. Come, visit me in the night once again, sneak into my tent, impregnate me with the anxieties, insecurities, and incompetences of my future. I will come running back to you over and over again, because that’s what star-crossed lovers do; my failures, my greatest loves, my friends, I will always be back for you my demons.

.-*listen to “Girl of my Dreams by Rod Wave” while reading this.*

I noticed a very negative pattern in myself. I’m incredibly jealous. I woke up this morning, maybe still in sleep, but envisioning myself as a little girl knocking on the locked door of my parent’s bedroom. Sometimes they would be in there all day with the door locked, sometimes I would fall asleep on the ground in front of the door. Knocking, crying, begging and pleading for them to let me in. I think it engrained this core belief in me that I was not worthy enough for a relationship with them. Even them fulfilling my basic needs. This is why it’s hard for me to express to people because mostly the people I go for are the ones who are emotionally behind that locked and closed door. And I am trying to find any way I can to pick that lock, but most of the time I end up trying to kick the door down out of frustration and waiting. I guess it gives me some validation that if they walk out from behind the door that I’m worth something. This goes with my cycle of emotionally unavailable men that consistently ignore me, don’t give me the time of day, don’t express their emotions, don’t give me consistency. My father was always behind that locked door. Still have no idea how he feels about me. The only time he’s ever expressed his feelings are in a crisis. My father always mixing pain with pleasure. It’s no wonder I have the preferences I do.

The jealousy comes from this deep engrained belief inside of me, the colossal insecurity that I don’t think I deserve healthy relationships. As a little girl my mind would try to reason and the biggest reason I had was that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I’m annoying, I’m too much, I’m too emotional, I’m too intense, too loud, I didn’t sit down gently. Basically all the negative things my parents would say to me in regular day to day life that I would play on a loop in my brain when I faced any sort of rejection. This loop became so crippling. I’ve become stagnant in my life because I’m scared to do anything else. I’m scared to knock on these doors, I don’t even know if they are locked anymore. And when I see an open door, I think, there must not be anything valuable behind there because no one would leave something valuable behind an open door, unlocked.

How do I change my way of thinking?

How do I tell my friends and family and lovers what I need from them emotionally?

How do I stop lashing out and pushing people away when I don’t get those things?

My reaction to you last night, the meanness, the snipping, was out of jealousy. I keep trying to convince myself you don’t really want to be around me, you must have some ulterior motive because why would anyone want to be around me? I’m a monster.

I’ve made myself a monster in my own eyes because of these deep rooted feelings. This fear of abandonment. This need to “put on a show” so that I’m interesting enough, or aloof enough, challenging enough, engaging enough. Something that will hold attention. So the performer comes out. Because all I ever wanted was the eye contact of my parents. But I can’t even look back. So I just would look up long enough to see if they were watching, then keep putting on the show until I’m exhausted.

I’m so exhausted.

.-*listen to “Verified -One Acen” while reading this.*

We are already a week through June. That is so crazy to me. I feel like time is just running away from me but every day seems like it lasts and eternity. Isn’t it crazy how life is? So beautiful and unique. The same things happen every day yet no two days are the same. Routines help set the structure of my day which I think is helping me accomplish things and get them done. I noticed that for me personally, I HAVE to go to bed by 10 pm. I will still wake up early regardless of what time I go to sleep, but my brain will stay in bed if I do not go to sleep by 10 – 11 pm. I will be sluggish and unfocused and irritated. 

I am having such great connections with people lately and I really think it’s putting my fear aside to be able to bond with them.

I get so distracted sooooo easily. I need to focus on making the task of writing at least 20 min every day. Consistency is key. I just have so much fear blocking me. I am afraid of what people will think about me if my belief system is not aligned with theirs. I am afraid that maybe my thoughts are wrong and if I have some sort of influence, where am I leading people? I consistently want to check myself.

I feel really bad because yesterday I couldn’t find my eyeliner. So, I went half the day of work without any on. Then, when most of the people left for the day and it’s just the two boys that were staying for the shift I am like ok I am going to Ulta. Not knowing that they closed at 6. Well, I was at their door at 6:03 and there were a bunch of people still checking out. A woman came to the door and just turned her back on me. I already felt disrespected that she didn’t acknowledge me. I said are you closed? She shook her head yes. I said I really only need to get eyeliner can’t I just check out? She shook her head no. I got pissed off. I called her a bitch to myself and I stormed off them sped away. I acted like A CHILD because I did not get what I wanted even though I did not feel like it was an unreasonable request at the time. But take into consideration I have no clue what their store policies are. Also, How selfish am I that I expect this entire staff to stay even longer when they have probably been working all day just to buy some eyeliner? So, I went to CVS and bought some. Then, I get back to my store and I can’t find the eyeliner I literally just got done buying. As I am looking through my car, I find the first eyeliner I lost. smh. So that entire situation could have been avoided all together had I just been diligent enough to look. So now I am feeling incredibly like a child. And the whole reason for my eyeliner in the first place was going out and I WENT HOME AND WENT TO BED ANYWAYS!

So, what did I learn? Stop acting like a child. Have a home for things. Always put them in their place and they will never be lost. And, react better. Work on your reactions. You cannot act out of selfishness when you promote selflessness. You can’t just pretend to be a good person until you don’t get your way. You have to really focus on practicing what you preach. It’s crazy that Tune was such a jerk but honestly what he was saying the whole time was full of truth and perception and I guess that my hatred towards him was because I did not like hearing the truth. 

He really always said about my consistency and practicing what I preach. I am not justifying him or his actions. Because he was wrong too. But it’s possible to both be right and both be wrong. 

It’s also important not to point out other’s shortcomings without acknowledging or at least attempting to acknowledge your own. And the means of delivering the message is just as important as the message itself. No one wants an attack on their preverbal heart village. Their ego being the King. So watch the way that you approach these situations. 

I also want to work on gratitude. This 100% commission based job is really taking it’s toll on me. And last night I called my dad crying because I was questioning my purpose here and was it really God that sent me if I am running into so many obstacles to overcome? And should I look for a new job even though I believed that God gifted me this one? 

My dad’s advice, You made a decision, now stay the course. 

And just like that, it was easy. I decided this. This was my choice. So I must be grateful for all of the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me after I made this choice. I have been provided with all of the things I need, and if I have not been provided with the things themselves, I have been provided with the tools to obtain them for myself. And for that, I am thankful and PROUD.