I noticed a very negative pattern in myself. I’m incredibly jealous. I woke up this morning, maybe still in sleep, but envisioning myself as a little girl knocking on the locked door of my parent’s bedroom. Sometimes they would be in there all day with the door locked, sometimes I would fall asleep on the ground in front of the door. Knocking, crying, begging and pleading for them to let me in. I think it engrained this core belief in me that I was not worthy enough for a relationship with them. Even them fulfilling my basic needs. This is why it’s hard for me to express to people because mostly the people I go for are the ones who are emotionally behind that locked and closed door. And I am trying to find any way I can to pick that lock, but most of the time I end up trying to kick the door down out of frustration and waiting. I guess it gives me some validation that if they walk out from behind the door that I’m worth something. This goes with my cycle of emotionally unavailable men that consistently ignore me, don’t give me the time of day, don’t express their emotions, don’t give me consistency. My father was always behind that locked door. Still have no idea how he feels about me. The only time he’s ever expressed his feelings are in a crisis. My father always mixing pain with pleasure. It’s no wonder I have the preferences I do.
The jealousy comes from this deep engrained belief inside of me, the colossal insecurity that I don’t think I deserve healthy relationships. As a little girl my mind would try to reason and the biggest reason I had was that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I’m annoying, I’m too much, I’m too emotional, I’m too intense, too loud, I didn’t sit down gently. Basically all the negative things my parents would say to me in regular day to day life that I would play on a loop in my brain when I faced any sort of rejection. This loop became so crippling. I’ve become stagnant in my life because I’m scared to do anything else. I’m scared to knock on these doors, I don’t even know if they are locked anymore. And when I see an open door, I think, there must not be anything valuable behind there because no one would leave something valuable behind an open door, unlocked.
How do I change my way of thinking?
How do I tell my friends and family and lovers what I need from them emotionally?
How do I stop lashing out and pushing people away when I don’t get those things?
My reaction to you last night, the meanness, the snipping, was out of jealousy. I keep trying to convince myself you don’t really want to be around me, you must have some ulterior motive because why would anyone want to be around me? I’m a monster.
I’ve made myself a monster in my own eyes because of these deep rooted feelings. This fear of abandonment. This need to “put on a show” so that I’m interesting enough, or aloof enough, challenging enough, engaging enough. Something that will hold attention. So the performer comes out. Because all I ever wanted was the eye contact of my parents. But I can’t even look back. So I just would look up long enough to see if they were watching, then keep putting on the show until I’m exhausted.
I’m so exhausted.