.-*listen to “Bad at Love by Halsey” while reading this.

Accountability – authentic self

It is impossible to be truthful in any relationship if you are lying to yourself. I have painted myself the victim in so many circumstances. And lately it has been brought to my enlightenment that the reason for a lot of my stagnation and slow growth is because I have not taken accountability for my actions. I am abusive. I have narcissistic tendencies. Last night, I read through all the old iMessages that automatically saved on my computer from my phone so I got to see back the last 3 years scrolling through messages from friends and past lovers. I felt like I was an ashamed parent reading the words of my terroristic child. Taking responsibility for my words and actions is something very new to me. Most of the time when I would be speaking I would be in a dream world of kush haze, weed dazed. I had no clue how toxic I was. All those festering deep, emotional wounds that I was just walking around with spewing the poison onto others, infecting them. Abusing others with the excuse that I had been abused. I cried to God WHERE IS MY HUSBAND WHERE IS MY FAMILY but then I see how harshly I talked to so many men, how cruelly I spoke about them. I never breathed life into them. I never nourished the relationship. I had no clue HOW. Yet I somehow expected them to fix me, to love me, to heal me. I couldn’t even heal myself.

I allowed the pain of my past to turn me ugly. 

I want to control that. I want to be able to control my emotions and my reactions. 

You cannot be your true, authentic self if you don’t tell yourself the truth about yourself. 

The truth about me? I feel hideous. I feel like an ugly monster. I hated every part of my body, so I did not take care of it. I was not even taught to take care of myself. I remember never having clean clothes as a child. I did not have clean surroundings either. There would be piles and piles of dirty things, and garbage all around me. Having no structure in my day to day life. I get it, my mother had a lot going on with 6 children, she could not keep up taking care of us. She could not even take care of herself. I don’t believe that she was taught either. Now as an adult, sometimes I will change underwear twice a day. I always have to have clean socks as well, I could wear a shirt one time for ten minutes and feel the need for it to be washed. I have to have my apartment immaculate each night before I can even lay down to sleep. My brain is trying to heal that trauma with obsessive behaviors because it is so afraid of going back to that place, suffering through that abuse once again. I recognize my obsessive behaviors with men as well. I want to be in constant contact because I feel like if I cannot get ahold of them, they don’t care about me and they are gone forever. Stemming back to the anxiety my mother imparted into me every time my father walked out the door for work or even to go to the store because of how her father abandoned her. I am so afraid of being left I wage war on them psychologically so that I can feel like it’s always my choice for them to go. I can give an excuse to myself, “oh I was too much woman for them.” “oh they were intimidated by me” “oh they couldn’t HANDLE me.” I push away before they get the chance to leave, tale as old as time. And because I am not honest with myself, I cannot even admit how devastating it is to lose someone you barely got to love because you keep scorching the earth before the seeds of love you plant even get a chance to break through the soil. The failure I feel that I cannot do a simple things like keep a man around, have a man want to consistently be with me. All become I kept saying “rain” and it didn’t happen when I wanted it to. Trying to rush processes because I think I have done so many actions, but never with good intentions, never with healthy tendencies. Manipulation and control are not conducive soil for love.

Before, I would just eat and eat and eat my feelings. I was trying to fill the emptiness inside of my soul. So when I would feel that feeling of complete fullness after gorging on a huge meal that could have fed a family of 4, I felt FULL and satisfied momentarily. It was brief and short lived, and I would seek that feeling again. I would do this 3 sometimes 4 times a day and wonder how I ballooned up to the weight I was. I was constantly filling that need, that urgency, that desire with food. Instead of realizing there is a reason you constantly feel needs. Your body (physical representation of your spirit on earth) has many needs, but so does your brain (computer in your head that manages your body), your soul (emotions), your spirit (consciousness). If any of these is being starved, THEY WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY.

The way of the world is to take, and then give back. Yin and yang, consume, produce. 

So many people are consuming and they never produce anything.

For spirit, consume meditation produce prayer

For soul, consume feelings produce expression

For brain, consume information produce action

For body, consume calories produce energy

So, if you consume too many calories, the body stores that energy as fat.

This is true for every part of you. If you consume too much, you produce too much. You consume not enough, you will be weak. But it is also VERY important WHAT you consume. If you meditate on the mantra, “I am a monster. I am a flat blob. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around.” Then you will produce the prayer of that into the universe. AND GUESS WHAT, the universe will give you circumstances that make you believe those things to be true. Because when you consume negativity, and you produce toxicity and you put that into the universe, you will get that back. Yin and yang. You create your own reality. Intention only means a little when the action is harmful. 

To become my true authentic self, I must take accountability for the things I am consuming and producing. I cannot justify myself any longer for allowing myself to consume garbage. I cannot justify eating a fat greasy burger because I have had kale for a week. I know the burger is bad for me. I have to walk away from it.

Just like I cannot keep justifying my abusive behaviors because I have been abused. I cannot keep spewing off at the mouth because my feelings are hurt. It is time to grow up. It is time to take accountability, responsibility, and action. It is no one’s fault that I am in this circumstance in my life but my own. I made these decisions. I walked down this path. I got myself here. Yes, I may have listened to the advice of other people, but I only followed up with it because it was like minded from what I was already thinking. I cannot blame others for leading me astray any longer. 

I also am choosing not to associate with people that no longer feed me on all levels. I need nourishment. I need healing. That can only come from surrounding myself in that. I must plant myself in rich soul so that I can blossom and grow. 

I believe that I have found the friends to do so. I become so paranoid of them sometimes though. I allow fear to creep in and turn things toxic. I do not want to do that this time. I want to fight my jealousy. I want to confront my insecurities. This all comes with telling the truth about yourself, to yourself. Rarely is it ever something you want to hear.

But also remember to praise yourself for the progresses you have made. For the ways you have grown and overcome. For the demons you have conquered. And remind yourself that you will win this battle. That you will persevere until you are whole, healed, loving light, and a healer to those around you.

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