.-*listen to “Wait” by Maroon 5 while reading this.*

Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter fool. I try to blame all of the horrible decisions that I make on so many things. I can only blame myself. I don’t know which crossroad to take. I don’t know why my moves always feel so contingent on those around me. I want to think only for myself. Only about myself. Why am I so afraid of being selfish? Because a religion that I don’t even believe in raised me to be that way? 

No, I feel it in my bones to be selfless. It has always resonated with me. So many things resonate with my spirit. I wonder if anyone else is like that? Does anyone else see demons in people’s faces before they see the actual face? They talk about auras, I feel shifts of energy but I never see light around people unless it’s white light which is what I saw every time I saw a boy that was about to complete wreck my life. And it always seemed to end in red and blue lights smh. 

I always get the worst of men because I always think the worst of them.

I get the worst of every situation because I always think the worst of it.

I need to shift my own energy. 

How? Light candles. Dance. Call someone you love and who loves you so much you can feel it with every word they say.

This will give you strength. This will build you up. When you feel like the sky is falling, LOOK UP ANYWAYS.

.-*listen to “Latch” by Disclosure while reading this.

I had a very heartfelt conversation with my sha-man last night. We were talking about love. And as you know, love is my favorite thing to talk about. I heard that that is a Leo thing. But it makes sense since we are ruled by the sun and the sun is third eye chakra which is right below the divine… the edge of karma, the creator, which is love. God is love… you get it. So we like being close to love, in the light of love basking in the rays of the sun which is just a glimpse into love. 

Now keep in mind, I know nothing.

His perception of love is so much different than mine but there was a point in the conversation that I felt like he was telling me, “you’re wrong.” And I found myself starting to close off to what he was saying and becoming defensive. That was my first reaction. But I corrected myself and said, LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Do not listen to respond. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. So when I started listening to his words like he was a professor, KNOWING he knew more than me because he knew the perspective from his experience. How could I possibly see the wisdom from an experience that is not my own unless I attempt to understand his experience? And how can I understand his experience without listening to him? So, I closed my mouth and I began to listen, very intently to what he was trying to say to me. 

My perception is only my perception. The more we humble ourselves to knowing that we know nothing, the more we allow ourselves to be a vessel for the white light of the Holy Spirit.

We must follow the path of love. And that path leads us to places we would rather not go sometimes. 

He opened my eyes to something about myself, I will cry out for attention when I want to be adored. I give a lot to people and when I feel my energy draining, I will go to a man for attention and just want to be praised and adored. There are certain men that their door has always been open to me and I will walk in and out of that door as much as I please. Every time they try to “tame” me, I lash out and run away. Now, they are fearful of trying to corral me so they just allow me to come and go like a stray cat. And then I wonder why I get the karma of the men THAT I WANT coming and going out of my life like they please? I am closing this cycle. This is not the type of relationship I want. I want hard work, dedication, commitment, every day. Every day improving ourselves. Giving each other the freedom to grow in love, on our own journeys. Sharing our journey and our experience with each other. Sharing knowledge and wisdom, but also, that space for growth. Holding each other accountable without judgement. And creating children that are enlightened and healers. Healing each other while we heal ourselves. Consciousness. Free thinkers. Adventurers. Inventors, innovators. Walking in love and light.

I just started weeping sitting in the mirror just looking at myself, trying to be present with my body. I don’t like to look in the mirror a lot. I know I am beautiful but there comes a time when you can look in the mirror too much and all you think about is yourself. So, I try to keep my mirrors in the closet and just make sure I don’t look like a hobo but don’t really STUDY the mirror. I have an issue with becoming self obsessed. But sometimes it’s good to look in the mirror so you can truly see yourself, but look into your own eyes, try not to focus on your body. I was just crying thinking about all the men I have hurt. I was crying to the heavens begging for forgiveness because I am just so sorry for all the pain I have caused men. And always made myself out to be the victim or I was getting them back? I always justified my actions because of their behavior. But a true woman does not do that. We are only responsible for ourselves and if another person’s behavior influences our character, then that is not true character, it is a facade we put on. I want to live in my truth, always. I want to own up to it and take responsibility and accountability for it. I am just so sorry to all the people I have ever trespassed against. It is so important to have people in your life that will speak the truth to you, but also have the dicernment to know when the time you need to hear it is.

.-*listen to “SUNFLOWER” by Posty baby and swae leeeeeee. (I can’t wait to smoke a doobie with them.) from the best Spiderman ever made, the new cartoon one check it out on Netflix– this is his ringtone ;’o(… he never calls me so I never get to hear it >.<, *

Why is it so hard for me to give up control? Yet, I don’t control the things I can control. Instead, I try to control others, control outcomes. Control every circumstance around me. It makes me feel safer that way. I am a control FREAK. That’s been the hardest struggle between me and God, LOVE. Relinquishing control. I wish that someone could live inside of my brain with me for 2 minutes. So much goes on up here. I envy the girls that think of little, seldom. I do not want distractions any longer. I am realizing many of my relationships are just distractions. I must be around artists. Free thinkers, creatives. Their eyes are open to another realm, just like me. They see things. I see things. 

There were demons in my bed when you left

That’s why I do not want you back

Stay far from me

Your love felt like ecstasy

But I couldn’t see

You were poison

All

Along

I miss my sunshine. It’s been 11 days that have felt like a hundred million eternities. 

WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR THE SAME DEVIL TRICKS????

Devil dx.

I keep falling into darkness. WHY??? When I know what the light feels like? Nothing satisfies you like the light. He was my light. It burned me, scorched me. Tied me up, torched me, IT TORTURES ME.

Set me free muhfxa, set me free.

It really hurts purging these impurities.

MAKING GOLD IS A PAINFUL PROCESS.

I’m a mess

Without

U.

.-*listen to “Take You There by H.E.R” (the baddest of the baddest of the bad boyyyyy this woman changed my life for FOREVER.) while reading this.

I’m starving for intimacy

I just want you next to me

Inside of me

All over me

Come be all over me baby

Our love plays like a movie in my head

We have more Oscar worthy moments

Than the notebook

I’m sorry for the ways I mistook

Your intentions

Caused aggression

You held your tongue

To spare my heart

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

Did I push you to her?

When my love turned cold

I’m so sorry for the abrupt roughness

The fake toughness

When I’m really just screaming out

PLEASE LOVE ME

I see you in my sleep

So I try to stay up all night

You can’t even imagine how many demons I’m fighting

I’m barely surviving

I need your strength

I need you

Cuz I can’t be the queen

And the king too

I need you

I’m tired of holding myself

I can’t trust these people to see me weak

I need protection

Please

Please come back to me

I don’t want to manipulate you with sweet words

Sweet nothing words

But this is how I share my love

I’m so tired of apologizing for that

You were so angry how I painted the picture of how you broke me

But I was too afraid to admit how you restored me

How you healed me baby

You HEALED ME.

You fixed my heart.

Set it back in place from where it had been so broken and twisted and mangled

Your touch was the Texas breeze I needed

In that hell I put myself in

You gave me the courage to walk out of that open gate

I will always love you for that.

I claim coward because you couldn’t tell me about her, you stopped being honest with me.

None of that matters. What matters is you are my energy

My every thought.

I see our children

I see our future.

My tears will be the rain that softens the soil of your heart

I want to be at your side

At your table. Under your protection.

I want you to understand me

And love me and need me.

I can’t stop myself from loving you I don’t even know how to begin.

Your smile was all it took and goddamn

You took me THERE

I want to take you there.

I’m sorry for betraying you

Neglecting you

Leaving you

I wish I had the courage to tell you this to your face