I had a very heartfelt conversation with my sha-man last night. We were talking about love. And as you know, love is my favorite thing to talk about. I heard that that is a Leo thing. But it makes sense since we are ruled by the sun and the sun is third eye chakra which is right below the divine… the edge of karma, the creator, which is love. God is love… you get it. So we like being close to love, in the light of love basking in the rays of the sun which is just a glimpse into love.
Now keep in mind, I know nothing.
His perception of love is so much different than mine but there was a point in the conversation that I felt like he was telling me, “you’re wrong.” And I found myself starting to close off to what he was saying and becoming defensive. That was my first reaction. But I corrected myself and said, LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Do not listen to respond. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. So when I started listening to his words like he was a professor, KNOWING he knew more than me because he knew the perspective from his experience. How could I possibly see the wisdom from an experience that is not my own unless I attempt to understand his experience? And how can I understand his experience without listening to him? So, I closed my mouth and I began to listen, very intently to what he was trying to say to me.
My perception is only my perception. The more we humble ourselves to knowing that we know nothing, the more we allow ourselves to be a vessel for the white light of the Holy Spirit.
We must follow the path of love. And that path leads us to places we would rather not go sometimes.
He opened my eyes to something about myself, I will cry out for attention when I want to be adored. I give a lot to people and when I feel my energy draining, I will go to a man for attention and just want to be praised and adored. There are certain men that their door has always been open to me and I will walk in and out of that door as much as I please. Every time they try to “tame” me, I lash out and run away. Now, they are fearful of trying to corral me so they just allow me to come and go like a stray cat. And then I wonder why I get the karma of the men THAT I WANT coming and going out of my life like they please? I am closing this cycle. This is not the type of relationship I want. I want hard work, dedication, commitment, every day. Every day improving ourselves. Giving each other the freedom to grow in love, on our own journeys. Sharing our journey and our experience with each other. Sharing knowledge and wisdom, but also, that space for growth. Holding each other accountable without judgement. And creating children that are enlightened and healers. Healing each other while we heal ourselves. Consciousness. Free thinkers. Adventurers. Inventors, innovators. Walking in love and light.
I just started weeping sitting in the mirror just looking at myself, trying to be present with my body. I don’t like to look in the mirror a lot. I know I am beautiful but there comes a time when you can look in the mirror too much and all you think about is yourself. So, I try to keep my mirrors in the closet and just make sure I don’t look like a hobo but don’t really STUDY the mirror. I have an issue with becoming self obsessed. But sometimes it’s good to look in the mirror so you can truly see yourself, but look into your own eyes, try not to focus on your body. I was just crying thinking about all the men I have hurt. I was crying to the heavens begging for forgiveness because I am just so sorry for all the pain I have caused men. And always made myself out to be the victim or I was getting them back? I always justified my actions because of their behavior. But a true woman does not do that. We are only responsible for ourselves and if another person’s behavior influences our character, then that is not true character, it is a facade we put on. I want to live in my truth, always. I want to own up to it and take responsibility and accountability for it. I am just so sorry to all the people I have ever trespassed against. It is so important to have people in your life that will speak the truth to you, but also have the dicernment to know when the time you need to hear it is.