Love is so much pressure.
When I am on FaceTime last night with my bfs,
me: bitch I am so tired of being in this house alone every nighttttt.
her: me toooooo
me: shut up you have a man.
her: yeah but do you want a man? Or you just want a d*k
her: see, your ass always crying about a dude but you know how you are.
Do I? Do I know how I are?
Let me tell the WHOLE story instead of just the part where I am so in love with a guy that I am stalking him from the brush like the lioness I am watching him receive my snaps and ignoring them.
She cries to the universe PLEASE SEND ME A MANNNNN
Then a man comes, and he ignores her, disrespects her, treats her like garbage, is emotionally distant, elusive. Dishonest, a whore.
Then she falls. Deep, hard, fast.
Why? Her father ignored her for work. At first she thought it was noble, he is provider. But she sees how much he was a coward. Instead of addressing deep rooted issues in his family, he drown himself with work so he could excuse why he was never available emotionally. He always had an excuse. She forgives her father but the truth is the truth.
Men must do more than provide. Men must dissect their emotions and understand themselves.
As she is pining for months that sometimes turn to years over these men, another man comes. A man who is understanding, available, sweet, kind, respectful, honest. And she ignores him. Plays with him, comes and goes. And guess what? She becomes the man she loves. The more he shows interest, the more she pulls away. And the man she loves probably has a woman that is doing this to him. We all have a person we just play with when we are bored. Its no wonder we can’t figure out the energy of our soulmate. We pollute ourselves with so much other energy. How could we find each other in this fog?
But do not feel bad about the second man. I have tried choosing the second man. Guess what? As soon as you choose him, he too turns into a f*k boy.
So she plays and plays for decades.
Enough. I have had enough. I think people only settle for what they believe they deserve. I choose to believe in myself. What do I deserve? What do I demand? I am a good person.
I deserve peace.
I deserve to be a wife.
I don’t want to be a wife right now. But I want to meet my last man on the beginning of that trail right now.
We must endure pain in this life. You have to have a balance. You cannot shield anyone from experiencing pain or suffering. What ever you try to block, you will push into the opposite direction and face the pain there.
I am constantly arguing with myself if I am worth anything more than just a body to provide pleasure for a man. Why is this even a question in my mind? For men only sleep with women to be in their energy. To be embraced and let inside of the warmth of their world.
I scared my lover away. again.
I miss him so pitifully. It’s been raining for two days and I am starting to believe it’s my fault because I cannot stop crying. I only wanted to love him. And now I am searching for answers and the mean part of me, the part that is trying to hold this shit show together is saying “it is what it is.” I get no answers out of him. Silence. Drive 16 hours, my back on fire, my head pounding, my legs so swollen they are hard as rocks. silence. Heart broken. I cried for two states back home.
If the universe collected all my tears it could make up an aqua man and give me that. But life is not like that, you must yank at the robe to get attention. I guess that’s the only way they know you really mean it.
I want him back. I try to convince myself it meant nothing, it was only two months. The connection wasn’t real. But I go back and forth in my mind over and over. Replaying every moment. I am not even sure what’s real anymore because it’s just a replay of my memory, the story I told myself. I am not recalling when it happened, I am recalling the last time I recalled it. The picture distorted and more pixelated every time it is duplicated. What illusion have I concocted this time? Surely I paint everything in the rose color of love. I am a romantic. But this is not reality. The reality is he wanted to watch your booty jiggle while he pounded you. He didn’t even try to make you cum. He didn’t want to cuddle after, he wanted to go on a walk. You obliged. He bought you gas station wings and ran to his car so you didn’t have to walk the rest of the way back. He didn’t spend the whole night with you even though he said he would. He didn’t text to see if you made it home. He didn’t call the next day. He didn’t call the 5 days after that. Your best friend saw him in Walmart with another girl two days after you opened up to him after not being with anyone for 16 months. You told him what it meant to you. He didn’t care. You saw him before you left to say goodbye. He seemed to be clinging to you, not wanting you to go. You left anyways. He barely talked to you. You were traumatized watching the man in New Orleans die in the street. He had no reaction. When before you slept with him and you told him at the aquarium a man was following you, he said to call in an air strike. Is it because you’re fat? Is it because you don’t look like your pictures online? You do take nice pictures. But you’re sweet and you’re caring. But you’re ugly and you have a huge head. The only thing attractive about you is your butt and that doesn’t even look great half the time. Girls are so jealous of my butt. BUT I CANNOT KEEP A MAN EITHER.
Why do I always take it to the most negative places? I have no idea how he feels. I know he is scared of love. Love has always abandoned him. His dad left. And then when he was hard to handle as he got older his mom shipped him to his dad because she couldn’t control him. I am sure he has to have felt abandoned. And I abandoned him. I came here. But would things really be different there? Or would he have just moved onto the next girl when he was bored of me?
Why even waste your energy on these thoughts? They serve you no purpose. There is nothing you can do. It is what it is. Your heart still bleeds. Gushing all over every part of your life. Making such a mess. Control your emotions. Contain your pain. Allow this to ooze out of you like you’re sucking venom from your own wounds.
I wish I knew how to be better. How to get better. How to not allow these obstacles to consume me and overwhelm me. How to focus on what I need to get done instead of letting this colossal rejection consume me and give myself an excuse to beat the shit out of myself mentally. That helps no one. But this is the internal dialogue my parents have recorded in my brain. Oh, ONE person rejected you and didn’t like you or hurt your feelings or a circumstance didn’t work out how you wanted or you didn’t get your way or things did not go how you thought they should so lets name all the reasons you’re a failure.
Like I said, I forgive them, but the truth is the truth. I feel horrible that that is the way they were raised and that they have had to live with that kind of brain bullying since they were babies. But I cannot live like that any longer. I need to encourage myself. Tell myself what I am doing RIGHT. Be proud of myself. See MYSELF for who I am. Love myself. How? What do I need from myself? How can I show myself love?