I don’t really know if anyone else does this, but I make deals and bets with the universe. It’s just the way we communicate, like two old mobsters. I love God/the Universe/Love/etc so much because of this. Love really meets you exactly where you are and who you are. As long as you’re looking. You’ve got to be looking for it. My latest deal was that I would abstain from sex for one year. My one year dick free anniversary was 11/8. I am not sure why I thought that at precisely midnight the ceiling would open up and my husband would manifest and descend from on high to make fierce and ferocious love to my jonesing body, but nothing of the sort. Instead it was just another lonely night. Falling asleep sitting on the sofa. I wonder how many years of loneliness I will have to endure? I wonder what my husband is out there doing right now? I feel like I would look him in his eyes and recognize him immediately. So I’ve been a tad peeved at Love because what the hell are you waiting on? I’m getting older, I start to see the skin on the back of my hands changing and fear immediately strikes my heart. I so desperately long for children, it’s agonizing. I wonder what is wrong with me? Don’t I deserve love? affection? attention? I don’t want my impatience to make me compromise the things I believed I “deserved” because some nights I feel like I would settle for a warm embrace, even if that meant knives to my back. Where are you love? Because I am seeking you around every corner, but it’s getting colder. Another endless winter.


I don’t know why when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind was “Life is just an interview.” You’re constantly testing me. Challenging me. It gets frustrating, but I know you see what’s inside of me. I know you see the greatness. I keep thinking I am so in love with you because the things you pull from me. But I realize now, I give you way too much credit. Whatever you want to call The Creator, The Author, Love, Allah, Yaweh,ENERGY, Inner G, WHATEVER NAME YOU WANT TO USE, this force that pushes and pulls and creates and destroys and loves and hates and gives life and takes life, this force that draws me into you regardless of how much I resist. Knows me, knows what I need. Knows how to move me and break me and build me up. This force talks to you if you listen. It will give you all the secrets to loving me if you just listen. The second thing that comes rushing to my mind is you. Always you.


I want to get far away from here. I daydream about rides off into the sunset. About going to essence festivals and not being looked at funny because I’m not a goofy white girl. Even tho I look white. I imagine somewhere I can just be myself, dancing in the hot desert sun, sand whirling around me like fairy dust, sticking to my baked body. I get in these moods where literally every person I can hear breathing around me sets me on edge. Especially anyone interrupting my daily routine. I’m very mechanical in a sporadic way. I need specific things to be set in place to keep me happy. I walk into work, I need my own space with my own drawers that I keep things in I may use on a daily basis; such as Tylenol to stop my head from banging as these stupid girls incessantly cluck at each other about the stupidest things like Kim K or decorating their stupid apartments or whatever gossip is most interesting. I just want to stand up out of my chair and scream “WHY THE F AM I HERE?!?!?!” With my body in the Y shape of the Village People. I am being micromanaged by a stupid witch that barely graduated high school. No college. I have a 4 year degree. That took me 8 years to get because I was working 3 jobs at a time. What kind of America is this? You’re suppose to put in the work and get rewarded. That’s not good enough. You have to be a shark. A vicious monster. Monster I do well. But always to the wrong people. I wish to stab in the back all my adversaries but I end up kissing their rings and hoping they hold me close enough to change their minds. I hope one day to be such a great literary phenomenon that I can flaunt my success to all these haters that ever tried to flex their “power” over me. What control do you have? I think that’s why I have no appreciation for authority. I care not what title some baboon has given you to make you think you can control me. What I care about are actions that make you a worthy leader. Behavioral patterns that make you trustworthy.


I don’t deserve you
My love has been sullied by the wandering
soldiers seeking shelter in the civil war of my
You with your sweet heart full of love
Your beautiful mind full of pure thoughts
Your genius brain
Seeking to help and understand
And I
Me, a curmudgeon
Jealousy fueling all of my intentions
Selfishness my modus operandi
I am the devil in a dress
To your angel cloaked in righteousness
What a peculiar pair
You are nothing that I wanted
Everything that I needed
Taming this Tasmanian devil in my soul
Stopping me from spinning out of control
Every house of cards I build
I come huffing and puffing
And lighting on fire
“What a big mouth you have”
The better to ruin your life with, my dear
I will cop an attitude
I will swing from mood to mood like Tarzan
through the jungle
I will bang on my chest trying to BE THE
MAN when I know that’s your role I’m
pretending to fill when I don’t approve of
how you’re doing it yourself
Like I have any clue how a man should be a
All my misguided notions fueled by fear
Fear of missing out
Fear of falling short
Fear of failure
Fear of the inevitable injury to my already
triaged heart
Could you ever love me?
This foul creature I wish I didn’t have to be
But the world doesn’t let little girls with
flowers in their hair turn into women with
innocence and grace
No this world turned me into a warrior
Stripped me of my identity
Placed all of these labels on me and told me
to be defined by them
Mold and shape myself into the role I must
Be beautiful, sensual, pleasing
My self worth derived from my sexuality
But then condemns me for being too sexy
I feel like I dreamed you up
Somehow the dark corners of my mind find a
place to let light in
Then somehow you come into fruition
You and all the crosses you bore with my
name on them
King of the fools
And I still nail you to the cross every chance I get
Forgive me lover for I have sinned
You with your forgiveness and patience
And I
I don’t deserve you


Friends, on your darkest days, what shines down on you? What songs blare through your ears threatening to burst through your speakers? What whiskey gets you through the night? What flavor of ice cream comforts you? What is your pacifier? Your safety blanket? Where do you feel home? And what do you do when you feel like you’ve lost all of these things? Like they’ve rotted away in the attic of your soul and all that’s left is a memory of some trace of peace?


It’s hard to tell the truth. Where do you even begin? It’s easy to start right in the middle and look back while the story is going. But then again, there’s so much backstory, how could present day be the perfect place to start? I guess I will start by just telling you about myself. Because honestly, whatever it is I am about to tell you may not even be the truth. Only my version of it. And who could tell if that’s really truth because my perception has been so distorted and altered, years of Mary Jane daydreams and delusional living. But aren’t we all just a little delusional? Don’t we tell ourselves little white lies just to get by? See, it’s hard to tell the truth.
I am a Leo. Dramatic af. fr. Like fr fr. I get bored very easily. I am a cat, so of course Tom loves chasing Jerry around. But if he ever caught him, he would get bored and stop playing. That’s how I am with men. I love playing with them. But once I have my claws sunk in and they aren’t playing anymore, I am over it. What is the fun in playing with a dead mouse? It’s just the sport of the thing. Not much more entertains or satisfies me like that. I have gone to speed dating events just to simply see how many men I can make fall in love with me under a time limit.
I am always begging for attention from the alpha. Daddy issues?? Yes, I think so. Oh well. That’s the story of a million girls. Typical. I have a twist of sociopathic narcissism. But I feel like if we REALLY tell the truth, that’s pretty typical as well. We all have good ole social guilt to keep us all in line.
I think my biggest issue is I don’t know what I am subscribed to. And I keep letting people influence my beliefs. But I feel like my beliefs are just resources that I can reference when I am trying to win an argument. And I have finally found a man that there is no winning with.

“I have been boy crazy since day 1. I don’t know what it is about men that is just so wonderful to me. The curve of their strong jaw, their capable hands. The broadness of the shoulders. I could sit and stare at a man all day and fall in love. This is what has distracted me throughout my lifetime. I meet a man, and my entire life course is derailed so that I can go on some grand adventure of what I think is love but turns out to be some narcissistic mind game where they are the saw dude and I am some dumb broad chopping off my own leg to survive. But I loved them none the less. A part of me always has to I guess. Or else what was it for? I remember the first guy I was gaga over what my girlfriend’s brother. We were 6. I had my first kiss a couple months after that from some boy named Nathan. We use to always pretend we were getting married and our favorite part was now you may kiss the bride. That was the closest I have ever gotten to the alter. I have this picture of this perfect guy in my head. He would be a great listener, he would know when to give me space, when you smother me with affection, he would know to stop me if we are running in the rain to our car to kiss me like Noah in The Notebook. He would know to play Usher all day if I want to be in a good mood and play Michael Jackson all day when I am cleaning. He would know that if I am crying I NEED chocolate. I think that if I could find one that would do all of these things then maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to…” Lea pauses

“The need to what?” Says Eileen.

“I don’t know, the need to get away from them. Free from them.” Lea has a look on her face that Eileen can’t quite make out. Lea looks pleased with herself but also confused. Eileen decides to push deeper

“Do you think that this may have anything to do with your father being neglectful of your needs?” Eileen knew that Lea’s father was a very sore subject with Lea and over the past 16 sessions every time that Eileen has tried to work out some of the issues or to at least open Lea up, lea has shut down.

Lea looks up at Eileen and smirks at her. “I think we are about out of time for today.” Lea says as she starts to gather her purse

Eileen chuckles a little “I thought that was my line?”

Lea gets up and gives Eileen a hug, “Do you really think this is working?”

Eileen sighs “you have to open up more Lea. I have told you this. You want to get to the deep rooted issues, you have to face them. I know it’s not easy but…”

Lea cuts Eileen off, “I just don’t know if I can tell you all of my deepest darkest secrets just because you’re a therapist now. I have known you for too long.”

Eileen laughs again, “girl, I know more about you than anyone else. Ive been analyzing you for 12 years.”

“Well then what’s your diagnosis doc?”
“I would have put you in the looney bin a long time ago”
They both laugh and Lea leaves.


I am indecisive
It takes me about 20 minutes in the morning
just to decide if I’m going to get out of bed or
Another 20 to decide if I’m goin to work
Another 20 to decide on what I will wear.
Which is ridiculous because my job has a
I’ve gone without a car for two years
For the simple fact I cannot decide if I want a
Jeep or a camero
I am indecisive you should see me walking
around a store picking up products only to
put them on a shelf 5 aisles away
Are you listening to what I am sayING
So that fact that I made a decision the
moment I saw you
the fact that the decision wasn’t returned within
the 3 days buyer’s remorse laws
The fact I wrote out this lifetime contract in
Morse code to the beat of my heart
Well that should mean something to you.
Because sometimes I can’t even decide
what pair of socks I should pick to match my
I am indecisive
But an immediate decision was made when
it came to you
This perfect fit for me
See Eddie was all the other girls fantasy
I’m not sure why but Urkel was my wet
Maybe because a black man was portrayed
as the genius he is
Instead of the thug society wanted to paint
him to be


My consciousness twisted and morphed
Now there’s no ceilings, no walls, no floors
Oh, I’m outside
Outside my mind
Where the greenest grass isn’t even real
And there’s a different pill for everything you
want to feel
Or never want to feel
Gravity is ready to swallow me
Jonah in the belly of the whale
I just pray he spits me up on your shore
I’ve been running and running from you
All the countries, galaxies, dimensions —-
your love scares me
Fighting my flight
But I take off every time
And lifetimes pass
And still somehow we are this Hancock
Forces stronger than gravity pulling you to
Me to you
The more I resist, parts of me are ripped
from my grip
Polarities evolve into possessions
Slivers of my fragile love
Abrasions causing you infections
This monstrosity of my affections
Scissor hands wishing to hold you tenderly
Wish these poison ivy lips could express
what you mean to me
But instead I leave you breathless
With my death kiss
And your death grip
Still tightly fisted
slightly twisted
Suffocation my soul
And your skin deep blue with cold
And I still somehow cannot seem to let you go
Cannot bring myself to let you go…