.-*listen to LIKE I WANT YOU by “Giveon” while reading this.*

I was dreaming about Sweet Dee all last night. I woke up with my back aching and stiff. The song on my shuffle comes on and it’s “She Think” by Buddy & Kid Jamz. Basically it’s about a “bad bitch” that thinks she loves the rapper because he makes sweet love to her, he is rich, blah blah. He goes on to say that she works for Nasa and she’s very educated and the baddest, so bad that the NBA pays her rent. I keep thinking maybe the reason I can’t keep a man is because I can’t work for NASA and the NBA probably wouldn’t even give me a free ticket to a game, let alone pay my rent. I am just regular. And to me, that’s the biggest nightmare I have ever had. I don’t understand why he just ghosted me? Was it because I sent him 35 pictures in a row? Was it because this quarantine is making me crazier than usual? I was suppose to meet him in Arizona and that got shot to shit because of this stupid virus. But I was going to fly home for Easter and he just ghosted. AFTER he told me to come home. I don’t understand. And now I am wishing I was the kind of girl that gets called to the VIP at exclusive clubs. But I have bunions. I have NEVER had a flat stomach even as a fat baby. I never got to be HOT. I only ever got to be regular. And I guess I am not complaining. I just wish I was some guy’s dream. Because these girls will be nameless in 100 years. They will only be known if someone is listening to rap from today in 100 years and thinks about the one girl a rapper banged. I wish to be a household name like Emily Dickenson. My poetry inspiring love making, art making, thought making, change making. When will the man come that will see my heart without me having to cut it out of my chest and dissect it for him? I am so tired of not being loved by a man.

The beauty of being loved by a man, protected by a man. I wanted it to be Sweet Dee so badly. He has such a beautiful heart. I don’t understand why he would treat me like this? Why he would wait until weeks after I left to abandon me? I really hope he is ok. I know this virus has taken a toll that no one can even comprehend for our first responders. I say little prayers for him throughout the day.

Today marks one month I have been in Texas. It’s getting hotter. I can’t believe what I have survived the the last month. I thank G for strength. I have no idea how I am even coping. But it’s amazing how resilient the human spirit is.

I am so down today. I am extremely emotional. I wonder, because I am ovulating today if maybe that has anything to do with it? I don’t even know what I am sad about because usually every day I can just get over it. But certain days, it feels so overwhelming. I just feel like I NEED A MAN so desperately. But this feeling will pass. I am like the cat in heat. Howling at the moon. But I do not want to. I rather be alone than be with just any man that hears my cry. I was at the laundry mat yesterday and this dark skinned dude with dreads was staring at me the whole time. He was in a Range Rover and in between cycles I would go to my car to smoke and nap in the sun. He kept going to his car too. I was in a sundress with a sports bra on. Can you imagine how trashy I looked? With slides that didn’t match my dress and my hair probably 3 days dirty. And he pulled up to my truck while I was sunbathing and I just ignored him. So he pulls off then turns around and I turned my music UP. And then he started honking. So I just raised up, looked him dead in his eye, shook my head “no” and laid back and turned the music up more. Like here I am crying over this man who is across the country and this other man is doing the absolute most to get my attention. And this is my dilemma. I may talk a lot of shit about being fat and regular and blah blah but I honestly see myself as more than the life I am living right now. I cannot settle for this. I imagine a life for myself that others would not even be able to comprehend. I do not want fame or fortune, although they will come. I want influence. But I am afraid of what comes with that. I am a good soul. I want to change this generation where we are afraid to EVEN TOUCH EACH OTHER. If they isolate us, they control us. If they have our attention IN OUR PHONES, ON OUR TVs, they control us. Even the music influences. Be careful what you consume. What you consume, you will produce and put back into the universe. That’s how this works. Consume negative thoughts, negative reports, produce toxic energy, expel toxic waste. Watch. Listen. learn.

I consume love, I reproduce love, I give love.

I still pray for forgiveness from all of those I have trespassed against. In ways knowingly and unknowingly. Sometimes I am selfish and only think of my own feelings. I act irrationally with a short temper. I am a bully and a monster when I am hurt. And I get hurt too often because I am so sensitive.

I wish to improve.

.-*listen to “Wait” by Maroon 5 while reading this.*

Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter fool. I try to blame all of the horrible decisions that I make on so many things. I can only blame myself. I don’t know which crossroad to take. I don’t know why my moves always feel so contingent on those around me. I want to think only for myself. Only about myself. Why am I so afraid of being selfish? Because a religion that I don’t even believe in raised me to be that way? 

No, I feel it in my bones to be selfless. It has always resonated with me. So many things resonate with my spirit. I wonder if anyone else is like that? Does anyone else see demons in people’s faces before they see the actual face? They talk about auras, I feel shifts of energy but I never see light around people unless it’s white light which is what I saw every time I saw a boy that was about to complete wreck my life. And it always seemed to end in red and blue lights smh. 

I always get the worst of men because I always think the worst of them.

I get the worst of every situation because I always think the worst of it.

I need to shift my own energy. 

How? Light candles. Dance. Call someone you love and who loves you so much you can feel it with every word they say.

This will give you strength. This will build you up. When you feel like the sky is falling, LOOK UP ANYWAYS.

.-*listen to “Latch” by Disclosure while reading this.

I had a very heartfelt conversation with my sha-man last night. We were talking about love. And as you know, love is my favorite thing to talk about. I heard that that is a Leo thing. But it makes sense since we are ruled by the sun and the sun is third eye chakra which is right below the divine… the edge of karma, the creator, which is love. God is love… you get it. So we like being close to love, in the light of love basking in the rays of the sun which is just a glimpse into love. 

Now keep in mind, I know nothing.

His perception of love is so much different than mine but there was a point in the conversation that I felt like he was telling me, “you’re wrong.” And I found myself starting to close off to what he was saying and becoming defensive. That was my first reaction. But I corrected myself and said, LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Do not listen to respond. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. So when I started listening to his words like he was a professor, KNOWING he knew more than me because he knew the perspective from his experience. How could I possibly see the wisdom from an experience that is not my own unless I attempt to understand his experience? And how can I understand his experience without listening to him? So, I closed my mouth and I began to listen, very intently to what he was trying to say to me. 

My perception is only my perception. The more we humble ourselves to knowing that we know nothing, the more we allow ourselves to be a vessel for the white light of the Holy Spirit.

We must follow the path of love. And that path leads us to places we would rather not go sometimes. 

He opened my eyes to something about myself, I will cry out for attention when I want to be adored. I give a lot to people and when I feel my energy draining, I will go to a man for attention and just want to be praised and adored. There are certain men that their door has always been open to me and I will walk in and out of that door as much as I please. Every time they try to “tame” me, I lash out and run away. Now, they are fearful of trying to corral me so they just allow me to come and go like a stray cat. And then I wonder why I get the karma of the men THAT I WANT coming and going out of my life like they please? I am closing this cycle. This is not the type of relationship I want. I want hard work, dedication, commitment, every day. Every day improving ourselves. Giving each other the freedom to grow in love, on our own journeys. Sharing our journey and our experience with each other. Sharing knowledge and wisdom, but also, that space for growth. Holding each other accountable without judgement. And creating children that are enlightened and healers. Healing each other while we heal ourselves. Consciousness. Free thinkers. Adventurers. Inventors, innovators. Walking in love and light.

I just started weeping sitting in the mirror just looking at myself, trying to be present with my body. I don’t like to look in the mirror a lot. I know I am beautiful but there comes a time when you can look in the mirror too much and all you think about is yourself. So, I try to keep my mirrors in the closet and just make sure I don’t look like a hobo but don’t really STUDY the mirror. I have an issue with becoming self obsessed. But sometimes it’s good to look in the mirror so you can truly see yourself, but look into your own eyes, try not to focus on your body. I was just crying thinking about all the men I have hurt. I was crying to the heavens begging for forgiveness because I am just so sorry for all the pain I have caused men. And always made myself out to be the victim or I was getting them back? I always justified my actions because of their behavior. But a true woman does not do that. We are only responsible for ourselves and if another person’s behavior influences our character, then that is not true character, it is a facade we put on. I want to live in my truth, always. I want to own up to it and take responsibility and accountability for it. I am just so sorry to all the people I have ever trespassed against. It is so important to have people in your life that will speak the truth to you, but also have the dicernment to know when the time you need to hear it is.

.-*listen to “SUNFLOWER” by Posty baby and swae leeeeeee. (I can’t wait to smoke a doobie with them.) from the best Spiderman ever made, the new cartoon one check it out on Netflix– this is his ringtone ;’o(… he never calls me so I never get to hear it >.<, *

Why is it so hard for me to give up control? Yet, I don’t control the things I can control. Instead, I try to control others, control outcomes. Control every circumstance around me. It makes me feel safer that way. I am a control FREAK. That’s been the hardest struggle between me and God, LOVE. Relinquishing control. I wish that someone could live inside of my brain with me for 2 minutes. So much goes on up here. I envy the girls that think of little, seldom. I do not want distractions any longer. I am realizing many of my relationships are just distractions. I must be around artists. Free thinkers, creatives. Their eyes are open to another realm, just like me. They see things. I see things. 

There were demons in my bed when you left

That’s why I do not want you back

Stay far from me

Your love felt like ecstasy

But I couldn’t see

You were poison

All

Along

I miss my sunshine. It’s been 11 days that have felt like a hundred million eternities. 

WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR THE SAME DEVIL TRICKS????

Devil dx.

I keep falling into darkness. WHY??? When I know what the light feels like? Nothing satisfies you like the light. He was my light. It burned me, scorched me. Tied me up, torched me, IT TORTURES ME.

Set me free muhfxa, set me free.

It really hurts purging these impurities.

MAKING GOLD IS A PAINFUL PROCESS.

I’m a mess

Without

U.

.-*listen to “Take You There by H.E.R” (the baddest of the baddest of the bad boyyyyy this woman changed my life for FOREVER.) while reading this.

I’m starving for intimacy

I just want you next to me

Inside of me

All over me

Come be all over me baby

Our love plays like a movie in my head

We have more Oscar worthy moments

Than the notebook

I’m sorry for the ways I mistook

Your intentions

Caused aggression

You held your tongue

To spare my heart

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

Did I push you to her?

When my love turned cold

I’m so sorry for the abrupt roughness

The fake toughness

When I’m really just screaming out

PLEASE LOVE ME

I see you in my sleep

So I try to stay up all night

You can’t even imagine how many demons I’m fighting

I’m barely surviving

I need your strength

I need you

Cuz I can’t be the queen

And the king too

I need you

I’m tired of holding myself

I can’t trust these people to see me weak

I need protection

Please

Please come back to me

I don’t want to manipulate you with sweet words

Sweet nothing words

But this is how I share my love

I’m so tired of apologizing for that

You were so angry how I painted the picture of how you broke me

But I was too afraid to admit how you restored me

How you healed me baby

You HEALED ME.

You fixed my heart.

Set it back in place from where it had been so broken and twisted and mangled

Your touch was the Texas breeze I needed

In that hell I put myself in

You gave me the courage to walk out of that open gate

I will always love you for that.

I claim coward because you couldn’t tell me about her, you stopped being honest with me.

None of that matters. What matters is you are my energy

My every thought.

I see our children

I see our future.

My tears will be the rain that softens the soil of your heart

I want to be at your side

At your table. Under your protection.

I want you to understand me

And love me and need me.

I can’t stop myself from loving you I don’t even know how to begin.

Your smile was all it took and goddamn

You took me THERE

I want to take you there.

I’m sorry for betraying you

Neglecting you

Leaving you

I wish I had the courage to tell you this to your face

.-*listen to “Bad at Love by Halsey” while reading this.

Accountability – authentic self

It is impossible to be truthful in any relationship if you are lying to yourself. I have painted myself the victim in so many circumstances. And lately it has been brought to my enlightenment that the reason for a lot of my stagnation and slow growth is because I have not taken accountability for my actions. I am abusive. I have narcissistic tendencies. Last night, I read through all the old iMessages that automatically saved on my computer from my phone so I got to see back the last 3 years scrolling through messages from friends and past lovers. I felt like I was an ashamed parent reading the words of my terroristic child. Taking responsibility for my words and actions is something very new to me. Most of the time when I would be speaking I would be in a dream world of kush haze, weed dazed. I had no clue how toxic I was. All those festering deep, emotional wounds that I was just walking around with spewing the poison onto others, infecting them. Abusing others with the excuse that I had been abused. I cried to God WHERE IS MY HUSBAND WHERE IS MY FAMILY but then I see how harshly I talked to so many men, how cruelly I spoke about them. I never breathed life into them. I never nourished the relationship. I had no clue HOW. Yet I somehow expected them to fix me, to love me, to heal me. I couldn’t even heal myself.

I allowed the pain of my past to turn me ugly. 

I want to control that. I want to be able to control my emotions and my reactions. 

You cannot be your true, authentic self if you don’t tell yourself the truth about yourself. 

The truth about me? I feel hideous. I feel like an ugly monster. I hated every part of my body, so I did not take care of it. I was not even taught to take care of myself. I remember never having clean clothes as a child. I did not have clean surroundings either. There would be piles and piles of dirty things, and garbage all around me. Having no structure in my day to day life. I get it, my mother had a lot going on with 6 children, she could not keep up taking care of us. She could not even take care of herself. I don’t believe that she was taught either. Now as an adult, sometimes I will change underwear twice a day. I always have to have clean socks as well, I could wear a shirt one time for ten minutes and feel the need for it to be washed. I have to have my apartment immaculate each night before I can even lay down to sleep. My brain is trying to heal that trauma with obsessive behaviors because it is so afraid of going back to that place, suffering through that abuse once again. I recognize my obsessive behaviors with men as well. I want to be in constant contact because I feel like if I cannot get ahold of them, they don’t care about me and they are gone forever. Stemming back to the anxiety my mother imparted into me every time my father walked out the door for work or even to go to the store because of how her father abandoned her. I am so afraid of being left I wage war on them psychologically so that I can feel like it’s always my choice for them to go. I can give an excuse to myself, “oh I was too much woman for them.” “oh they were intimidated by me” “oh they couldn’t HANDLE me.” I push away before they get the chance to leave, tale as old as time. And because I am not honest with myself, I cannot even admit how devastating it is to lose someone you barely got to love because you keep scorching the earth before the seeds of love you plant even get a chance to break through the soil. The failure I feel that I cannot do a simple things like keep a man around, have a man want to consistently be with me. All become I kept saying “rain” and it didn’t happen when I wanted it to. Trying to rush processes because I think I have done so many actions, but never with good intentions, never with healthy tendencies. Manipulation and control are not conducive soil for love.

Before, I would just eat and eat and eat my feelings. I was trying to fill the emptiness inside of my soul. So when I would feel that feeling of complete fullness after gorging on a huge meal that could have fed a family of 4, I felt FULL and satisfied momentarily. It was brief and short lived, and I would seek that feeling again. I would do this 3 sometimes 4 times a day and wonder how I ballooned up to the weight I was. I was constantly filling that need, that urgency, that desire with food. Instead of realizing there is a reason you constantly feel needs. Your body (physical representation of your spirit on earth) has many needs, but so does your brain (computer in your head that manages your body), your soul (emotions), your spirit (consciousness). If any of these is being starved, THEY WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY.

The way of the world is to take, and then give back. Yin and yang, consume, produce. 

So many people are consuming and they never produce anything.

For spirit, consume meditation produce prayer

For soul, consume feelings produce expression

For brain, consume information produce action

For body, consume calories produce energy

So, if you consume too many calories, the body stores that energy as fat.

This is true for every part of you. If you consume too much, you produce too much. You consume not enough, you will be weak. But it is also VERY important WHAT you consume. If you meditate on the mantra, “I am a monster. I am a flat blob. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around.” Then you will produce the prayer of that into the universe. AND GUESS WHAT, the universe will give you circumstances that make you believe those things to be true. Because when you consume negativity, and you produce toxicity and you put that into the universe, you will get that back. Yin and yang. You create your own reality. Intention only means a little when the action is harmful. 

To become my true authentic self, I must take accountability for the things I am consuming and producing. I cannot justify myself any longer for allowing myself to consume garbage. I cannot justify eating a fat greasy burger because I have had kale for a week. I know the burger is bad for me. I have to walk away from it.

Just like I cannot keep justifying my abusive behaviors because I have been abused. I cannot keep spewing off at the mouth because my feelings are hurt. It is time to grow up. It is time to take accountability, responsibility, and action. It is no one’s fault that I am in this circumstance in my life but my own. I made these decisions. I walked down this path. I got myself here. Yes, I may have listened to the advice of other people, but I only followed up with it because it was like minded from what I was already thinking. I cannot blame others for leading me astray any longer. 

I also am choosing not to associate with people that no longer feed me on all levels. I need nourishment. I need healing. That can only come from surrounding myself in that. I must plant myself in rich soul so that I can blossom and grow. 

I believe that I have found the friends to do so. I become so paranoid of them sometimes though. I allow fear to creep in and turn things toxic. I do not want to do that this time. I want to fight my jealousy. I want to confront my insecurities. This all comes with telling the truth about yourself, to yourself. Rarely is it ever something you want to hear.

But also remember to praise yourself for the progresses you have made. For the ways you have grown and overcome. For the demons you have conquered. And remind yourself that you will win this battle. That you will persevere until you are whole, healed, loving light, and a healer to those around you.

it’s like I have had to journey to the darkest crevices of eternity, find my demons, and seduce them into working for me instead of consistently trying to extinguish my existence. I bribe them with promises of times of old. Just me and them, wandering, drunk through damp streets, lonely pavements. They are my only true friends; my demons, my vices, my comforting little thieves. Because when people fail, when love fails, when your life just fails, Here you are, sweet honey whiskey, Camel menthol silver, extra large meat lovers pizza with garlic sauce, extra fat dope ass blunt pearled like a Tampax, I LOVE YOU VICES. My only friends, you were a comforting mother who loved me just as I am. You were a loyal lover, never cheating on me, always right there when it mattered the most. You were my only comfort in the long dark nights of the coldest Chicago winters of my soul. But I left you, I loved you and I left you. My infidel affair with dedication, nutrition, inner peace, soul searching all of this fucking BULLSHIT only to wait long enough to remember what it felt like when you made love to me. When your warmth was oozing down my lips, when your hands were on my inner thighs. Your soft kisses and whisper promises to guide me safely home, all the while poisoning my soul. Sweet demons, we make such beautiful love. How could you want me gone? I know I have abandoned you on the road paved with the best of intentions and I lost my way because this winding road is one lane highway two inches from a cliff. Come, visit me in the night once again, sneak into my tent, impregnate me with the anxieties, insecurities, and incompetences of my future. I will come running back to you over and over again, because that’s what star-crossed lovers do; my failures, my greatest loves, my friends, I will always be back for you my demons.

.-*listen to “Girl of my Dreams by Rod Wave” while reading this.*

I noticed a very negative pattern in myself. I’m incredibly jealous. I woke up this morning, maybe still in sleep, but envisioning myself as a little girl knocking on the locked door of my parent’s bedroom. Sometimes they would be in there all day with the door locked, sometimes I would fall asleep on the ground in front of the door. Knocking, crying, begging and pleading for them to let me in. I think it engrained this core belief in me that I was not worthy enough for a relationship with them. Even them fulfilling my basic needs. This is why it’s hard for me to express to people because mostly the people I go for are the ones who are emotionally behind that locked and closed door. And I am trying to find any way I can to pick that lock, but most of the time I end up trying to kick the door down out of frustration and waiting. I guess it gives me some validation that if they walk out from behind the door that I’m worth something. This goes with my cycle of emotionally unavailable men that consistently ignore me, don’t give me the time of day, don’t express their emotions, don’t give me consistency. My father was always behind that locked door. Still have no idea how he feels about me. The only time he’s ever expressed his feelings are in a crisis. My father always mixing pain with pleasure. It’s no wonder I have the preferences I do.

The jealousy comes from this deep engrained belief inside of me, the colossal insecurity that I don’t think I deserve healthy relationships. As a little girl my mind would try to reason and the biggest reason I had was that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I’m annoying, I’m too much, I’m too emotional, I’m too intense, too loud, I didn’t sit down gently. Basically all the negative things my parents would say to me in regular day to day life that I would play on a loop in my brain when I faced any sort of rejection. This loop became so crippling. I’ve become stagnant in my life because I’m scared to do anything else. I’m scared to knock on these doors, I don’t even know if they are locked anymore. And when I see an open door, I think, there must not be anything valuable behind there because no one would leave something valuable behind an open door, unlocked.

How do I change my way of thinking?

How do I tell my friends and family and lovers what I need from them emotionally?

How do I stop lashing out and pushing people away when I don’t get those things?

My reaction to you last night, the meanness, the snipping, was out of jealousy. I keep trying to convince myself you don’t really want to be around me, you must have some ulterior motive because why would anyone want to be around me? I’m a monster.

I’ve made myself a monster in my own eyes because of these deep rooted feelings. This fear of abandonment. This need to “put on a show” so that I’m interesting enough, or aloof enough, challenging enough, engaging enough. Something that will hold attention. So the performer comes out. Because all I ever wanted was the eye contact of my parents. But I can’t even look back. So I just would look up long enough to see if they were watching, then keep putting on the show until I’m exhausted.

I’m so exhausted.

.-*listen to “Verified -One Acen” while reading this.*

We are already a week through June. That is so crazy to me. I feel like time is just running away from me but every day seems like it lasts and eternity. Isn’t it crazy how life is? So beautiful and unique. The same things happen every day yet no two days are the same. Routines help set the structure of my day which I think is helping me accomplish things and get them done. I noticed that for me personally, I HAVE to go to bed by 10 pm. I will still wake up early regardless of what time I go to sleep, but my brain will stay in bed if I do not go to sleep by 10 – 11 pm. I will be sluggish and unfocused and irritated. 

I am having such great connections with people lately and I really think it’s putting my fear aside to be able to bond with them.

I get so distracted sooooo easily. I need to focus on making the task of writing at least 20 min every day. Consistency is key. I just have so much fear blocking me. I am afraid of what people will think about me if my belief system is not aligned with theirs. I am afraid that maybe my thoughts are wrong and if I have some sort of influence, where am I leading people? I consistently want to check myself.

I feel really bad because yesterday I couldn’t find my eyeliner. So, I went half the day of work without any on. Then, when most of the people left for the day and it’s just the two boys that were staying for the shift I am like ok I am going to Ulta. Not knowing that they closed at 6. Well, I was at their door at 6:03 and there were a bunch of people still checking out. A woman came to the door and just turned her back on me. I already felt disrespected that she didn’t acknowledge me. I said are you closed? She shook her head yes. I said I really only need to get eyeliner can’t I just check out? She shook her head no. I got pissed off. I called her a bitch to myself and I stormed off them sped away. I acted like A CHILD because I did not get what I wanted even though I did not feel like it was an unreasonable request at the time. But take into consideration I have no clue what their store policies are. Also, How selfish am I that I expect this entire staff to stay even longer when they have probably been working all day just to buy some eyeliner? So, I went to CVS and bought some. Then, I get back to my store and I can’t find the eyeliner I literally just got done buying. As I am looking through my car, I find the first eyeliner I lost. smh. So that entire situation could have been avoided all together had I just been diligent enough to look. So now I am feeling incredibly like a child. And the whole reason for my eyeliner in the first place was going out and I WENT HOME AND WENT TO BED ANYWAYS!

So, what did I learn? Stop acting like a child. Have a home for things. Always put them in their place and they will never be lost. And, react better. Work on your reactions. You cannot act out of selfishness when you promote selflessness. You can’t just pretend to be a good person until you don’t get your way. You have to really focus on practicing what you preach. It’s crazy that Tune was such a jerk but honestly what he was saying the whole time was full of truth and perception and I guess that my hatred towards him was because I did not like hearing the truth. 

He really always said about my consistency and practicing what I preach. I am not justifying him or his actions. Because he was wrong too. But it’s possible to both be right and both be wrong. 

It’s also important not to point out other’s shortcomings without acknowledging or at least attempting to acknowledge your own. And the means of delivering the message is just as important as the message itself. No one wants an attack on their preverbal heart village. Their ego being the King. So watch the way that you approach these situations. 

I also want to work on gratitude. This 100% commission based job is really taking it’s toll on me. And last night I called my dad crying because I was questioning my purpose here and was it really God that sent me if I am running into so many obstacles to overcome? And should I look for a new job even though I believed that God gifted me this one? 

My dad’s advice, You made a decision, now stay the course. 

And just like that, it was easy. I decided this. This was my choice. So I must be grateful for all of the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me after I made this choice. I have been provided with all of the things I need, and if I have not been provided with the things themselves, I have been provided with the tools to obtain them for myself. And for that, I am thankful and PROUD.

I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You) -*John Mayer*

The Legacy of Baby (the superdog)

In the fall of 2007 my Rottweiler, Hailey, was hit by a car and killed right in front of me and my sister whom I was giving a ride home from a formal High school dance. It absolutely traumatized me. That was my childhood dog and I witnessed her murder, it was the car directly in front of me. I tried to attack the driver. He showed no remorse he was more concerned about the damage on his car. It was my fault.

As I was leaving the house I saw her on the front porch. I kept telling her to come in the house. She was stubborn and wouldn’t listen but I just had a very bad feeling. She wouldn’t budge. So I just ignored my intuition and I left to pick up my sister from the dance.

I felt like watching her die was my punishment. A part of my heart died with her. I can still remember the picture of my father and brothers digging the hole to bury her in. The sun was just coming up. All of us were around her lifeless body, sobbing, petting her. My father and brothers digging harder as not to cry. My brother’s girlfriend was there, rubbing all of our hair, healing us. I always loved her the most.

So, spring of 2008 my parents decided it was a good idea to get another Rottweiler. My heart had already decided I would never love another dog again. This puppy’s name was Allie and she was demon possessed. I was infuriated that my parents named her something so close to Hailey. Like she was just her replacement, like it didn’t matter what kind of spirit she had, just that she looked like the other dog. How can you just use things like that and not be loyal? I never understood the way my parents think.

I had just gotten into a new relationship with a guy, he was my first so I was obsessed. I was distracted by talking to him all morning. No one was home and the puppy kept crying. I let the puppy out on a leash. My parents have a deck in their back yard. Every dog we had ever had gotten was already grown and we adopted so I was not use to caring for a puppy or what that entailed. And I was just a selfish 18 year old. I left the puppy out there for I do not know how long. Well, the puppy had fallen thru one of the spaces between the spindles and the leash wasn’t long enough, she basically hung herself off the deck. By the time I ran outside and had her limp body in my arms, it was too late. I rushed to the vet and they put her on an emergency ventilator but they could not bring her back to life. I was a murderer. All because I did not care about this dog because my Hailey was murdered and I didn’t want to love her like I loved Hailey and lose her. It just hurt too much. But now my cold heart did this. I looked at the broken faces of my family and it crushed me in a way I could never explain. I had to turn my heart cold. It just could not function like this. I cut out this piece of me and cauterized the severed place because I just could not go through this again, the loss of a pet. The brokenness of spirit after. The laments of my siblings. The tears of my family.

In fall of 2008, after my relationship had combusted, I tried to rebuild my whole life so I moved out on my own.

So in winter of 2008 when my baby sisters had finally convinced my father to get a puppy, they did not even tell me. I just remember my baby sister calling me one day asking me to come over that she had a surprise for me. I don’t know why I just knew it was a puppy. I went over there and she was this fluffy furry floppy thing. She was nothing like that other puppy she slept all the time. She had the softest fur and the softest spirit of any animal I had ever seen. But do not get it fooled, if the UPS man came to the door, or any other unfamiliar person (or familiar person she did not care for) she turned into a vicious attack dog.

She guarded my family for 12 beautiful years. And I never let my heart love her like I wanted to. I respected her. More than a lot of humans. But I wish I gave myself in to loving her.

I can’t believe she’s gone. I feel like this hurts worse than losing Hailey because of all of this regret that I feel. But how can I forgive myself for taking the lives of two beautiful animals? How can I ever trust myself again to care for another one? I try to tell myself it wasn’t my fault. But it was. I was careless and lazy. I feel like it’s just better for everyone if I just stay away. How am I so selfish that even the tragedy of losing my sisters’ childhood dog I try to make about me? Because I need to heal this trauma. Because if I do not heal the trauma that happens to me, I will try to piggyback off everyone else’s traumatic experiences. I do not want to live like that.