.-*listen to LIKE I WANT YOU by “Giveon” while reading this.*

I was dreaming about Sweet Dee all last night. I woke up with my back aching and stiff. The song on my shuffle comes on and it’s “She Think” by Buddy & Kid Jamz. Basically it’s about a “bad bitch” that thinks she loves the rapper because he makes sweet love to her, he is rich, blah blah. He goes on to say that she works for Nasa and she’s very educated and the baddest, so bad that the NBA pays her rent. I keep thinking maybe the reason I can’t keep a man is because I can’t work for NASA and the NBA probably wouldn’t even give me a free ticket to a game, let alone pay my rent. I am just regular. And to me, that’s the biggest nightmare I have ever had. I don’t understand why he just ghosted me? Was it because I sent him 35 pictures in a row? Was it because this quarantine is making me crazier than usual? I was suppose to meet him in Arizona and that got shot to shit because of this stupid virus. But I was going to fly home for Easter and he just ghosted. AFTER he told me to come home. I don’t understand. And now I am wishing I was the kind of girl that gets called to the VIP at exclusive clubs. But I have bunions. I have NEVER had a flat stomach even as a fat baby. I never got to be HOT. I only ever got to be regular. And I guess I am not complaining. I just wish I was some guy’s dream. Because these girls will be nameless in 100 years. They will only be known if someone is listening to rap from today in 100 years and thinks about the one girl a rapper banged. I wish to be a household name like Emily Dickenson. My poetry inspiring love making, art making, thought making, change making. When will the man come that will see my heart without me having to cut it out of my chest and dissect it for him? I am so tired of not being loved by a man.

The beauty of being loved by a man, protected by a man. I wanted it to be Sweet Dee so badly. He has such a beautiful heart. I don’t understand why he would treat me like this? Why he would wait until weeks after I left to abandon me? I really hope he is ok. I know this virus has taken a toll that no one can even comprehend for our first responders. I say little prayers for him throughout the day.

Today marks one month I have been in Texas. It’s getting hotter. I can’t believe what I have survived the the last month. I thank G for strength. I have no idea how I am even coping. But it’s amazing how resilient the human spirit is.

I am so down today. I am extremely emotional. I wonder, because I am ovulating today if maybe that has anything to do with it? I don’t even know what I am sad about because usually every day I can just get over it. But certain days, it feels so overwhelming. I just feel like I NEED A MAN so desperately. But this feeling will pass. I am like the cat in heat. Howling at the moon. But I do not want to. I rather be alone than be with just any man that hears my cry. I was at the laundry mat yesterday and this dark skinned dude with dreads was staring at me the whole time. He was in a Range Rover and in between cycles I would go to my car to smoke and nap in the sun. He kept going to his car too. I was in a sundress with a sports bra on. Can you imagine how trashy I looked? With slides that didn’t match my dress and my hair probably 3 days dirty. And he pulled up to my truck while I was sunbathing and I just ignored him. So he pulls off then turns around and I turned my music UP. And then he started honking. So I just raised up, looked him dead in his eye, shook my head “no” and laid back and turned the music up more. Like here I am crying over this man who is across the country and this other man is doing the absolute most to get my attention. And this is my dilemma. I may talk a lot of shit about being fat and regular and blah blah but I honestly see myself as more than the life I am living right now. I cannot settle for this. I imagine a life for myself that others would not even be able to comprehend. I do not want fame or fortune, although they will come. I want influence. But I am afraid of what comes with that. I am a good soul. I want to change this generation where we are afraid to EVEN TOUCH EACH OTHER. If they isolate us, they control us. If they have our attention IN OUR PHONES, ON OUR TVs, they control us. Even the music influences. Be careful what you consume. What you consume, you will produce and put back into the universe. That’s how this works. Consume negative thoughts, negative reports, produce toxic energy, expel toxic waste. Watch. Listen. learn.

I consume love, I reproduce love, I give love.

I still pray for forgiveness from all of those I have trespassed against. In ways knowingly and unknowingly. Sometimes I am selfish and only think of my own feelings. I act irrationally with a short temper. I am a bully and a monster when I am hurt. And I get hurt too often because I am so sensitive.

I wish to improve.

.-*listen to “Take You There by H.E.R” (the baddest of the baddest of the bad boyyyyy this woman changed my life for FOREVER.) while reading this.

I’m starving for intimacy

I just want you next to me

Inside of me

All over me

Come be all over me baby

Our love plays like a movie in my head

We have more Oscar worthy moments

Than the notebook

I’m sorry for the ways I mistook

Your intentions

Caused aggression

You held your tongue

To spare my heart

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

Did I push you to her?

When my love turned cold

I’m so sorry for the abrupt roughness

The fake toughness

When I’m really just screaming out

PLEASE LOVE ME

I see you in my sleep

So I try to stay up all night

You can’t even imagine how many demons I’m fighting

I’m barely surviving

I need your strength

I need you

Cuz I can’t be the queen

And the king too

I need you

I’m tired of holding myself

I can’t trust these people to see me weak

I need protection

Please

Please come back to me

I don’t want to manipulate you with sweet words

Sweet nothing words

But this is how I share my love

I’m so tired of apologizing for that

You were so angry how I painted the picture of how you broke me

But I was too afraid to admit how you restored me

How you healed me baby

You HEALED ME.

You fixed my heart.

Set it back in place from where it had been so broken and twisted and mangled

Your touch was the Texas breeze I needed

In that hell I put myself in

You gave me the courage to walk out of that open gate

I will always love you for that.

I claim coward because you couldn’t tell me about her, you stopped being honest with me.

None of that matters. What matters is you are my energy

My every thought.

I see our children

I see our future.

My tears will be the rain that softens the soil of your heart

I want to be at your side

At your table. Under your protection.

I want you to understand me

And love me and need me.

I can’t stop myself from loving you I don’t even know how to begin.

Your smile was all it took and goddamn

You took me THERE

I want to take you there.

I’m sorry for betraying you

Neglecting you

Leaving you

I wish I had the courage to tell you this to your face

.-*listen to “Bad at Love by Halsey” while reading this.

Accountability – authentic self

It is impossible to be truthful in any relationship if you are lying to yourself. I have painted myself the victim in so many circumstances. And lately it has been brought to my enlightenment that the reason for a lot of my stagnation and slow growth is because I have not taken accountability for my actions. I am abusive. I have narcissistic tendencies. Last night, I read through all the old iMessages that automatically saved on my computer from my phone so I got to see back the last 3 years scrolling through messages from friends and past lovers. I felt like I was an ashamed parent reading the words of my terroristic child. Taking responsibility for my words and actions is something very new to me. Most of the time when I would be speaking I would be in a dream world of kush haze, weed dazed. I had no clue how toxic I was. All those festering deep, emotional wounds that I was just walking around with spewing the poison onto others, infecting them. Abusing others with the excuse that I had been abused. I cried to God WHERE IS MY HUSBAND WHERE IS MY FAMILY but then I see how harshly I talked to so many men, how cruelly I spoke about them. I never breathed life into them. I never nourished the relationship. I had no clue HOW. Yet I somehow expected them to fix me, to love me, to heal me. I couldn’t even heal myself.

I allowed the pain of my past to turn me ugly. 

I want to control that. I want to be able to control my emotions and my reactions. 

You cannot be your true, authentic self if you don’t tell yourself the truth about yourself. 

The truth about me? I feel hideous. I feel like an ugly monster. I hated every part of my body, so I did not take care of it. I was not even taught to take care of myself. I remember never having clean clothes as a child. I did not have clean surroundings either. There would be piles and piles of dirty things, and garbage all around me. Having no structure in my day to day life. I get it, my mother had a lot going on with 6 children, she could not keep up taking care of us. She could not even take care of herself. I don’t believe that she was taught either. Now as an adult, sometimes I will change underwear twice a day. I always have to have clean socks as well, I could wear a shirt one time for ten minutes and feel the need for it to be washed. I have to have my apartment immaculate each night before I can even lay down to sleep. My brain is trying to heal that trauma with obsessive behaviors because it is so afraid of going back to that place, suffering through that abuse once again. I recognize my obsessive behaviors with men as well. I want to be in constant contact because I feel like if I cannot get ahold of them, they don’t care about me and they are gone forever. Stemming back to the anxiety my mother imparted into me every time my father walked out the door for work or even to go to the store because of how her father abandoned her. I am so afraid of being left I wage war on them psychologically so that I can feel like it’s always my choice for them to go. I can give an excuse to myself, “oh I was too much woman for them.” “oh they were intimidated by me” “oh they couldn’t HANDLE me.” I push away before they get the chance to leave, tale as old as time. And because I am not honest with myself, I cannot even admit how devastating it is to lose someone you barely got to love because you keep scorching the earth before the seeds of love you plant even get a chance to break through the soil. The failure I feel that I cannot do a simple things like keep a man around, have a man want to consistently be with me. All become I kept saying “rain” and it didn’t happen when I wanted it to. Trying to rush processes because I think I have done so many actions, but never with good intentions, never with healthy tendencies. Manipulation and control are not conducive soil for love.

Before, I would just eat and eat and eat my feelings. I was trying to fill the emptiness inside of my soul. So when I would feel that feeling of complete fullness after gorging on a huge meal that could have fed a family of 4, I felt FULL and satisfied momentarily. It was brief and short lived, and I would seek that feeling again. I would do this 3 sometimes 4 times a day and wonder how I ballooned up to the weight I was. I was constantly filling that need, that urgency, that desire with food. Instead of realizing there is a reason you constantly feel needs. Your body (physical representation of your spirit on earth) has many needs, but so does your brain (computer in your head that manages your body), your soul (emotions), your spirit (consciousness). If any of these is being starved, THEY WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY.

The way of the world is to take, and then give back. Yin and yang, consume, produce. 

So many people are consuming and they never produce anything.

For spirit, consume meditation produce prayer

For soul, consume feelings produce expression

For brain, consume information produce action

For body, consume calories produce energy

So, if you consume too many calories, the body stores that energy as fat.

This is true for every part of you. If you consume too much, you produce too much. You consume not enough, you will be weak. But it is also VERY important WHAT you consume. If you meditate on the mantra, “I am a monster. I am a flat blob. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around.” Then you will produce the prayer of that into the universe. AND GUESS WHAT, the universe will give you circumstances that make you believe those things to be true. Because when you consume negativity, and you produce toxicity and you put that into the universe, you will get that back. Yin and yang. You create your own reality. Intention only means a little when the action is harmful. 

To become my true authentic self, I must take accountability for the things I am consuming and producing. I cannot justify myself any longer for allowing myself to consume garbage. I cannot justify eating a fat greasy burger because I have had kale for a week. I know the burger is bad for me. I have to walk away from it.

Just like I cannot keep justifying my abusive behaviors because I have been abused. I cannot keep spewing off at the mouth because my feelings are hurt. It is time to grow up. It is time to take accountability, responsibility, and action. It is no one’s fault that I am in this circumstance in my life but my own. I made these decisions. I walked down this path. I got myself here. Yes, I may have listened to the advice of other people, but I only followed up with it because it was like minded from what I was already thinking. I cannot blame others for leading me astray any longer. 

I also am choosing not to associate with people that no longer feed me on all levels. I need nourishment. I need healing. That can only come from surrounding myself in that. I must plant myself in rich soul so that I can blossom and grow. 

I believe that I have found the friends to do so. I become so paranoid of them sometimes though. I allow fear to creep in and turn things toxic. I do not want to do that this time. I want to fight my jealousy. I want to confront my insecurities. This all comes with telling the truth about yourself, to yourself. Rarely is it ever something you want to hear.

But also remember to praise yourself for the progresses you have made. For the ways you have grown and overcome. For the demons you have conquered. And remind yourself that you will win this battle. That you will persevere until you are whole, healed, loving light, and a healer to those around you.

it’s like I have had to journey to the darkest crevices of eternity, find my demons, and seduce them into working for me instead of consistently trying to extinguish my existence. I bribe them with promises of times of old. Just me and them, wandering, drunk through damp streets, lonely pavements. They are my only true friends; my demons, my vices, my comforting little thieves. Because when people fail, when love fails, when your life just fails, Here you are, sweet honey whiskey, Camel menthol silver, extra large meat lovers pizza with garlic sauce, extra fat dope ass blunt pearled like a Tampax, I LOVE YOU VICES. My only friends, you were a comforting mother who loved me just as I am. You were a loyal lover, never cheating on me, always right there when it mattered the most. You were my only comfort in the long dark nights of the coldest Chicago winters of my soul. But I left you, I loved you and I left you. My infidel affair with dedication, nutrition, inner peace, soul searching all of this fucking BULLSHIT only to wait long enough to remember what it felt like when you made love to me. When your warmth was oozing down my lips, when your hands were on my inner thighs. Your soft kisses and whisper promises to guide me safely home, all the while poisoning my soul. Sweet demons, we make such beautiful love. How could you want me gone? I know I have abandoned you on the road paved with the best of intentions and I lost my way because this winding road is one lane highway two inches from a cliff. Come, visit me in the night once again, sneak into my tent, impregnate me with the anxieties, insecurities, and incompetences of my future. I will come running back to you over and over again, because that’s what star-crossed lovers do; my failures, my greatest loves, my friends, I will always be back for you my demons.

.-*listen to “Girl of my Dreams by Rod Wave” while reading this.*

I noticed a very negative pattern in myself. I’m incredibly jealous. I woke up this morning, maybe still in sleep, but envisioning myself as a little girl knocking on the locked door of my parent’s bedroom. Sometimes they would be in there all day with the door locked, sometimes I would fall asleep on the ground in front of the door. Knocking, crying, begging and pleading for them to let me in. I think it engrained this core belief in me that I was not worthy enough for a relationship with them. Even them fulfilling my basic needs. This is why it’s hard for me to express to people because mostly the people I go for are the ones who are emotionally behind that locked and closed door. And I am trying to find any way I can to pick that lock, but most of the time I end up trying to kick the door down out of frustration and waiting. I guess it gives me some validation that if they walk out from behind the door that I’m worth something. This goes with my cycle of emotionally unavailable men that consistently ignore me, don’t give me the time of day, don’t express their emotions, don’t give me consistency. My father was always behind that locked door. Still have no idea how he feels about me. The only time he’s ever expressed his feelings are in a crisis. My father always mixing pain with pleasure. It’s no wonder I have the preferences I do.

The jealousy comes from this deep engrained belief inside of me, the colossal insecurity that I don’t think I deserve healthy relationships. As a little girl my mind would try to reason and the biggest reason I had was that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I’m annoying, I’m too much, I’m too emotional, I’m too intense, too loud, I didn’t sit down gently. Basically all the negative things my parents would say to me in regular day to day life that I would play on a loop in my brain when I faced any sort of rejection. This loop became so crippling. I’ve become stagnant in my life because I’m scared to do anything else. I’m scared to knock on these doors, I don’t even know if they are locked anymore. And when I see an open door, I think, there must not be anything valuable behind there because no one would leave something valuable behind an open door, unlocked.

How do I change my way of thinking?

How do I tell my friends and family and lovers what I need from them emotionally?

How do I stop lashing out and pushing people away when I don’t get those things?

My reaction to you last night, the meanness, the snipping, was out of jealousy. I keep trying to convince myself you don’t really want to be around me, you must have some ulterior motive because why would anyone want to be around me? I’m a monster.

I’ve made myself a monster in my own eyes because of these deep rooted feelings. This fear of abandonment. This need to “put on a show” so that I’m interesting enough, or aloof enough, challenging enough, engaging enough. Something that will hold attention. So the performer comes out. Because all I ever wanted was the eye contact of my parents. But I can’t even look back. So I just would look up long enough to see if they were watching, then keep putting on the show until I’m exhausted.

I’m so exhausted.

.-*listen to “Verified -One Acen” while reading this.*

We are already a week through June. That is so crazy to me. I feel like time is just running away from me but every day seems like it lasts and eternity. Isn’t it crazy how life is? So beautiful and unique. The same things happen every day yet no two days are the same. Routines help set the structure of my day which I think is helping me accomplish things and get them done. I noticed that for me personally, I HAVE to go to bed by 10 pm. I will still wake up early regardless of what time I go to sleep, but my brain will stay in bed if I do not go to sleep by 10 – 11 pm. I will be sluggish and unfocused and irritated. 

I am having such great connections with people lately and I really think it’s putting my fear aside to be able to bond with them.

I get so distracted sooooo easily. I need to focus on making the task of writing at least 20 min every day. Consistency is key. I just have so much fear blocking me. I am afraid of what people will think about me if my belief system is not aligned with theirs. I am afraid that maybe my thoughts are wrong and if I have some sort of influence, where am I leading people? I consistently want to check myself.

I feel really bad because yesterday I couldn’t find my eyeliner. So, I went half the day of work without any on. Then, when most of the people left for the day and it’s just the two boys that were staying for the shift I am like ok I am going to Ulta. Not knowing that they closed at 6. Well, I was at their door at 6:03 and there were a bunch of people still checking out. A woman came to the door and just turned her back on me. I already felt disrespected that she didn’t acknowledge me. I said are you closed? She shook her head yes. I said I really only need to get eyeliner can’t I just check out? She shook her head no. I got pissed off. I called her a bitch to myself and I stormed off them sped away. I acted like A CHILD because I did not get what I wanted even though I did not feel like it was an unreasonable request at the time. But take into consideration I have no clue what their store policies are. Also, How selfish am I that I expect this entire staff to stay even longer when they have probably been working all day just to buy some eyeliner? So, I went to CVS and bought some. Then, I get back to my store and I can’t find the eyeliner I literally just got done buying. As I am looking through my car, I find the first eyeliner I lost. smh. So that entire situation could have been avoided all together had I just been diligent enough to look. So now I am feeling incredibly like a child. And the whole reason for my eyeliner in the first place was going out and I WENT HOME AND WENT TO BED ANYWAYS!

So, what did I learn? Stop acting like a child. Have a home for things. Always put them in their place and they will never be lost. And, react better. Work on your reactions. You cannot act out of selfishness when you promote selflessness. You can’t just pretend to be a good person until you don’t get your way. You have to really focus on practicing what you preach. It’s crazy that Tune was such a jerk but honestly what he was saying the whole time was full of truth and perception and I guess that my hatred towards him was because I did not like hearing the truth. 

He really always said about my consistency and practicing what I preach. I am not justifying him or his actions. Because he was wrong too. But it’s possible to both be right and both be wrong. 

It’s also important not to point out other’s shortcomings without acknowledging or at least attempting to acknowledge your own. And the means of delivering the message is just as important as the message itself. No one wants an attack on their preverbal heart village. Their ego being the King. So watch the way that you approach these situations. 

I also want to work on gratitude. This 100% commission based job is really taking it’s toll on me. And last night I called my dad crying because I was questioning my purpose here and was it really God that sent me if I am running into so many obstacles to overcome? And should I look for a new job even though I believed that God gifted me this one? 

My dad’s advice, You made a decision, now stay the course. 

And just like that, it was easy. I decided this. This was my choice. So I must be grateful for all of the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me after I made this choice. I have been provided with all of the things I need, and if I have not been provided with the things themselves, I have been provided with the tools to obtain them for myself. And for that, I am thankful and PROUD.

I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You) -*John Mayer*

The Legacy of Baby (the superdog)

In the fall of 2007 my Rottweiler, Hailey, was hit by a car and killed right in front of me and my sister whom I was giving a ride home from a formal High school dance. It absolutely traumatized me. That was my childhood dog and I witnessed her murder, it was the car directly in front of me. I tried to attack the driver. He showed no remorse he was more concerned about the damage on his car. It was my fault.

As I was leaving the house I saw her on the front porch. I kept telling her to come in the house. She was stubborn and wouldn’t listen but I just had a very bad feeling. She wouldn’t budge. So I just ignored my intuition and I left to pick up my sister from the dance.

I felt like watching her die was my punishment. A part of my heart died with her. I can still remember the picture of my father and brothers digging the hole to bury her in. The sun was just coming up. All of us were around her lifeless body, sobbing, petting her. My father and brothers digging harder as not to cry. My brother’s girlfriend was there, rubbing all of our hair, healing us. I always loved her the most.

So, spring of 2008 my parents decided it was a good idea to get another Rottweiler. My heart had already decided I would never love another dog again. This puppy’s name was Allie and she was demon possessed. I was infuriated that my parents named her something so close to Hailey. Like she was just her replacement, like it didn’t matter what kind of spirit she had, just that she looked like the other dog. How can you just use things like that and not be loyal? I never understood the way my parents think.

I had just gotten into a new relationship with a guy, he was my first so I was obsessed. I was distracted by talking to him all morning. No one was home and the puppy kept crying. I let the puppy out on a leash. My parents have a deck in their back yard. Every dog we had ever had gotten was already grown and we adopted so I was not use to caring for a puppy or what that entailed. And I was just a selfish 18 year old. I left the puppy out there for I do not know how long. Well, the puppy had fallen thru one of the spaces between the spindles and the leash wasn’t long enough, she basically hung herself off the deck. By the time I ran outside and had her limp body in my arms, it was too late. I rushed to the vet and they put her on an emergency ventilator but they could not bring her back to life. I was a murderer. All because I did not care about this dog because my Hailey was murdered and I didn’t want to love her like I loved Hailey and lose her. It just hurt too much. But now my cold heart did this. I looked at the broken faces of my family and it crushed me in a way I could never explain. I had to turn my heart cold. It just could not function like this. I cut out this piece of me and cauterized the severed place because I just could not go through this again, the loss of a pet. The brokenness of spirit after. The laments of my siblings. The tears of my family.

In fall of 2008, after my relationship had combusted, I tried to rebuild my whole life so I moved out on my own.

So in winter of 2008 when my baby sisters had finally convinced my father to get a puppy, they did not even tell me. I just remember my baby sister calling me one day asking me to come over that she had a surprise for me. I don’t know why I just knew it was a puppy. I went over there and she was this fluffy furry floppy thing. She was nothing like that other puppy she slept all the time. She had the softest fur and the softest spirit of any animal I had ever seen. But do not get it fooled, if the UPS man came to the door, or any other unfamiliar person (or familiar person she did not care for) she turned into a vicious attack dog.

She guarded my family for 12 beautiful years. And I never let my heart love her like I wanted to. I respected her. More than a lot of humans. But I wish I gave myself in to loving her.

I can’t believe she’s gone. I feel like this hurts worse than losing Hailey because of all of this regret that I feel. But how can I forgive myself for taking the lives of two beautiful animals? How can I ever trust myself again to care for another one? I try to tell myself it wasn’t my fault. But it was. I was careless and lazy. I feel like it’s just better for everyone if I just stay away. How am I so selfish that even the tragedy of losing my sisters’ childhood dog I try to make about me? Because I need to heal this trauma. Because if I do not heal the trauma that happens to me, I will try to piggyback off everyone else’s traumatic experiences. I do not want to live like that.

Love is so much pressure.

When I am on FaceTime last night with my bfs,

me: bitch I am so tired of being in this house alone every nighttttt.

her: me toooooo

me: shut up you have a man.

her: yeah but do you want a man? Or you just want a d*k

me: :oD

her: see, your ass always crying about a dude but you know how you are.

Do I? Do I know how I are?

Let me tell the WHOLE story instead of just the part where I am so in love with a guy that I am stalking him from the brush like the lioness I am watching him receive my snaps and ignoring them.

She cries to the universe PLEASE SEND ME A MANNNNN

Then a man comes, and he ignores her, disrespects her, treats her like garbage, is emotionally distant, elusive. Dishonest, a whore.

Then she falls. Deep, hard, fast.
Why? Her father ignored her for work. At first she thought it was noble, he is provider. But she sees how much he was a coward. Instead of addressing deep rooted issues in his family, he drown himself with work so he could excuse why he was never available emotionally. He always had an excuse. She forgives her father but the truth is the truth.

Men must do more than provide. Men must dissect their emotions and understand themselves.

Story continues.

As she is pining for months that sometimes turn to years over these men, another man comes. A man who is understanding, available, sweet, kind, respectful, honest. And she ignores him. Plays with him, comes and goes. And guess what? She becomes the man she loves. The more he shows interest, the more she pulls away. And the man she loves probably has a woman that is doing this to him. We all have a person we just play with when we are bored. Its no wonder we can’t figure out the energy of our soulmate. We pollute ourselves with so much other energy. How could we find each other in this fog?

But do not feel bad about the second man. I have tried choosing the second man. Guess what? As soon as you choose him, he too turns into a f*k boy.

So she plays and plays for decades.

Enough. I have had enough. I think people only settle for what they believe they deserve. I choose to believe in myself. What do I deserve? What do I demand? I am a good person.

I deserve peace.
I deserve to be a wife.

I don’t want to be a wife right now. But I want to meet my last man on the beginning of that trail right now.

We must endure pain in this life. You have to have a balance. You cannot shield anyone from experiencing pain or suffering. What ever you try to block, you will push into the opposite direction and face the pain there.

I am constantly arguing with myself if I am worth anything more than just a body to provide pleasure for a man. Why is this even a question in my mind? For men only sleep with women to be in their energy. To be embraced and let inside of the warmth of their world.

I scared my lover away. again.

I miss him so pitifully. It’s been raining for two days and I am starting to believe it’s my fault because I cannot stop crying. I only wanted to love him. And now I am searching for answers and the mean part of me, the part that is trying to hold this shit show together is saying “it is what it is.” I get no answers out of him. Silence. Drive 16 hours, my back on fire, my head pounding, my legs so swollen they are hard as rocks. silence. Heart broken. I cried for two states back home.

If the universe collected all my tears it could make up an aqua man and give me that. But life is not like that, you must yank at the robe to get attention. I guess that’s the only way they know you really mean it.

I want him back. I try to convince myself it meant nothing, it was only two months. The connection wasn’t real. But I go back and forth in my mind over and over. Replaying every moment. I am not even sure what’s real anymore because it’s just a replay of my memory, the story I told myself. I am not recalling when it happened, I am recalling the last time I recalled it. The picture distorted and more pixelated every time it is duplicated. What illusion have I concocted this time? Surely I paint everything in the rose color of love. I am a romantic. But this is not reality. The reality is he wanted to watch your booty jiggle while he pounded you. He didn’t even try to make you cum. He didn’t want to cuddle after, he wanted to go on a walk. You obliged. He bought you gas station wings and ran to his car so you didn’t have to walk the rest of the way back. He didn’t spend the whole night with you even though he said he would. He didn’t text to see if you made it home. He didn’t call the next day. He didn’t call the 5 days after that. Your best friend saw him in Walmart with another girl two days after you opened up to him after not being with anyone for 16 months. You told him what it meant to you. He didn’t care. You saw him before you left to say goodbye. He seemed to be clinging to you, not wanting you to go. You left anyways. He barely talked to you. You were traumatized watching the man in New Orleans die in the street. He had no reaction. When before you slept with him and you told him at the aquarium a man was following you, he said to call in an air strike. Is it because you’re fat? Is it because you don’t look like your pictures online? You do take nice pictures. But you’re sweet and you’re caring. But you’re ugly and you have a huge head. The only thing attractive about you is your butt and that doesn’t even look great half the time. Girls are so jealous of my butt. BUT I CANNOT KEEP A MAN EITHER.

Why do I always take it to the most negative places? I have no idea how he feels. I know he is scared of love. Love has always abandoned him. His dad left. And then when he was hard to handle as he got older his mom shipped him to his dad because she couldn’t control him. I am sure he has to have felt abandoned. And I abandoned him. I came here. But would things really be different there? Or would he have just moved onto the next girl when he was bored of me?

Why even waste your energy on these thoughts? They serve you no purpose. There is nothing you can do. It is what it is. Your heart still bleeds. Gushing all over every part of your life. Making such a mess. Control your emotions. Contain your pain. Allow this to ooze out of you like you’re sucking venom from your own wounds.

I wish I knew how to be better. How to get better. How to not allow these obstacles to consume me and overwhelm me. How to focus on what I need to get done instead of letting this colossal rejection consume me and give myself an excuse to beat the shit out of myself mentally. That helps no one. But this is the internal dialogue my parents have recorded in my brain. Oh, ONE person rejected you and didn’t like you or hurt your feelings or a circumstance didn’t work out how you wanted or you didn’t get your way or things did not go how you thought they should so lets name all the reasons you’re a failure.

Like I said, I forgive them, but the truth is the truth. I feel horrible that that is the way they were raised and that they have had to live with that kind of brain bullying since they were babies. But I cannot live like that any longer. I need to encourage myself. Tell myself what I am doing RIGHT. Be proud of myself. See MYSELF for who I am. Love myself. How? What do I need from myself? How can I show myself love?

.-*listen to “Hail Mary by 2Pac” while reading this.

I woke up this morning not knowing I would become a killer.

I wake up and it’s still dark in my room. I think it may be 3 something. I look at my phone, 12:32AM. I have a text. But it’s not from who I wish it’s from.

“I miss you”

I go back to sleep. Why can’t the right words ever come out of the right person?
I wake up again. They all tried to warn me about the Texas heat but I laughed it off. I was smart and stupid to come in March to see if this is where I wanted to live. Cool breezes and cloudy, seemed a lot like home in the spring, I didn’t think it could be much different. Now that we are rounding the corner of May, I am waking up sticky and irritable. 5 something I guess. 5:28AM. I may as well start my routine.

I lay in bed for an hour grunting, tossing from side to side. My little dance to the universe like the ungrateful child I am wanting more sleep only to be even more sluggish throughout the day if I do get it. I always say good morning to the creator, because I was given energy to wake up this morning, what a blessing. I try to just listen for an hour. Anything I am suppose to do just be silent and listen, make myself a servant. This morning I heard go to youtube, I went, a tarot reading for Leo. I keep asking my creator is this evil? I don’t have a bad gut feeling so I keep listening. It’s funny how the universe gives signs wherever you ask for them. You just have to believe.

So I have no idea why the urge to go lay on the crappy cheap Walmart foam mattress I got when I first moved in and just had laying on the floor, I moved into the guest bedroom for if any of my friends come and stay with me. Well, I just go in there and lay on it and I am laying there listening to this Tarot reading telling me that the most recent person I have been dealing with is in love with me and they are lying to themselves about their feelings so I am like all into this reading and all of a sudden there’s a scurry in my peripheral vision. I jerk my head to the right and freeze like in a kung fu movie. The enemy freezes as well. I am staring at a roach about 6 inches long you gosh dang right everything is bigger in Texas. All of a sudden I start SCREAMING. It was like a feminine instinct. I didn’t even decide to. I know the biological reason is probably so a man can hear the scream and come to the rescue BUT GUESS WHAT?! Ain’t no man came to my rescue so run to the kitchen, grab the roach spray, run back, and I am just trying to drown this bitch in chemicals. It’s running faster. In fact, I feel like I am about to die from the spray but it seems to be giving this dude like spinach to Popeye. He’s out of my vision. I run back into the kitchen and get the extra roach traps I had picked up to replace the old ones in 3 weeks and I said FORGET IT. I am gonna have these babies all around this joint. I do not care. I rather be roach free than judgement free. So I have about 12 of these traps in my arms and some open caulk roach killer food to line the cracks because I bet you anything they are coming in through that closet because it’s next to the neighbor. I keep my place so immaculate I bleach the drains, the floors, the counters. Hell, I scrub the floors on my hands and knees and when I first moved in I checked everywhere and laid traps everywhere. I HATE BUGS. I am whining and crying walking back to set more and more traps and then, there I see it, crawling across the other side of the mattress. I scream again and all of the traps go flying into the air. I instantly think to myself this ain’t no ordinary roach. This a mutant roach. This a bad dangerous dang roach. I need a weapon that will annihilate this muhfucka.

CHANCLA

I bolt to my room grab the thickest chancla I have, rush back to the room, THE SUCKER IS GONE.

I am like dang this is a ninja roach. He must have been trained by Walker Texas Ranger himself. I lift up the bed, nothing. I look in the closet, nothing. I look all around, nothing. disappeared.

I think to myself, What would Bruce Lee do if he was fighting a roach forged in the fiery pits of Mordor?

I stand there and I don’t move. I calm my breathing, I stand very still.
I see the scurries underneath the vacuum cleaner cord, I rush over, I fling the vacuum cleaner aside and with all the force and anger of not being called for 8 days by your lover and no texts snaps youtube links nothing, not a notification for 3 days I put that anger and force that into the whack of this vile bug. As I am whacking for some reason I scream “HIIIIII YAH!!!!! Like I use to in karate. Hahahahahahah He crunches underneath me. A relief settles over me.

Then a guilt. I have just ended a life. Who am I? How dare I? Why do I get to make that call?

So, I must go on trial. I documented the scene of the crime. I submit the murder weapons for evidence.

Isn’t it funny that I did not feel a ping of guilt about laying a trap for them to take back to their entire nest and kill the whole family because I didn’t have to witness it? But now that I have to use my own hands to do so, now, all of a sudden I feel guilt?

Maybe I only don’t like roaches because they are ugly. What’s the difference between a roach and a cat? Or a dog? You feed them, clean up their poop, they pee everywhere. Pets love you back? I am sure roaches love whomever provides their food. More food than I can even eat is provided to me. Why can I not share with the roaches?

CUZ THATS NASTY. THATS WHY.

I HATE BUGS.

.-*listen to “SUGAR – BROCKHAMPTON” while reading this.

I am very intelligent. This is not something I like to be common knowledge. The dumber you seem, the more trustworthy you are because people don’t think you have the capacity to do certain things. Think smart, play dumb. I am sure someone has already said that. Someone has already said everything I can or ever would say, but they ain’t never said it in my accent and that’s what makes my experience beautiful. I am getting so many beautiful ideas. I am learning so many lessons about myself. Some days, I wake up so ugly. And I am ugly the whole day. And I don’t know where my spirit went in the night or what it was fighting but it left my mind and body exhausted all day. Just worn out, beat to death, ready for rest.

And other days, I wake up with the sun in my hair, fire on my lips, a yearning for love in my belly and magic in my eyes.

I know that I could be of great influence I am only getting more and more powerful. But I am very afraid of the battles I will have to fight in the near future.

They look to the screens like they are gods. Like they provide the sun and the moon and hang the stars. They blindly follow loud voices threatening with muscles. I turn my screens off. I go to the trees and the grass and I whisper prayers into their leaves. I know Creator hears me and he will send the soldiers soon. I try to show love. But what exactly is my business? I must keep myself safe. But I will say spells in my head, protection over situations that I see that don’t sit right with my soul. These glowing things they have all of our attention, our spines curling in a bow to this hand held god. And we worship. And we allow our mood to be set by the amount of attention we do or do not get. I am not impressive. I am not anything of any circumstance. I am. How can anyone think they are of any importance and not a cockroach crawling and taking what it claims is his? We don’t even know what humans ARE. We could be the portrayed consciousness of a purple blood cell in an alien. You could be imagining these words in a dream and your entire experience is just figments of a carefully engineered software which is just a login to the energy source of imagination that you think belongs to you but really it’s just a server like google. You have no idea what’s real so how can you say what’s right? And how can you define what’s love? How could you know what you know?

No, you only feel what you feel. And think what you think. That’s all that makes sense. The vibe.

I am desperately trying to let go of control. It’s crazy that letting go is also a muscle. And you have to work it out. I have been holding onto so much unforgiveness to men that have hurt me. I am letting that all go. I feel like I can straighten my back a little more.

The thing about love, it’s all about free will. If free will does not exist than love cannot either. I have tried in my past to do so many manipulative games to try and control whether or not someone falls in love with me. Now, I just simply am myself. And if they come, they come, they stay, they stay. And I will know that its true love. And they will give me room to grow and explore and experience. I will forever be on this journey to knowing myself and seeking my creator and the purpose of my creation. And I will try things, and I will fail and I will try new things. I need time and patience from a lover. A cool hand Luke. Quick draw but only when absolutely necessary.

I cannot wait to speak philosophy with my Sagittarius son. I must conceive March 2021 So I have roughly a year to find a lover. I want him to be strong, protective, provider, intellectual, open minded, lets me be the roaming lioness I am. But I also want him to be very strict when it comes to raising our boy. I know he will be wild like me. I prefer a fire sign but I will also settle for a Libra. Libra’s are my most compatible mate. I think that’s why I got along with kookie so well. I love him and his dark skin like the kookie of the Oreo. He’s about that sweet. Every time we were together we danced. He likes to party too much to be a candidate tho. I think Walk would be a good candidate but I am not sure I want to live that LA life yet. I don’t think I am glamorous enough I love the country too much. Getting my hards dirty and four wheelers and drinking a beer by a bonfire. And he wants a woman to be more like a trophy. And I am more like a wannabe comedian I make everything into a joke because that’s how my father is. And I love being like my father. I am an asshole. I am not a girly girl. I am a daddy’s girl. And I like fishing and playing catch and getting lost in the woods.

Nobody told me it was going to rain this much in Houston.
Sometimes my life feels like a blessing.
Sometimes my life feels like a punishment.
I guess I should look at it more like a lesson

I really hope all the hearts I broke forgive me.