https://youtu.be/QUfaVWw1wb4

alone. Another year, alone. I woke up from nightmares of chasing him in my dreams. 

He’s never there. He never comes after me. 

Subconsciously I am telling myself the truth. 

Not something I can swallow in the morning light.

I sis my routine, hours of tarot, looking for him in every little sign.

But really, he’s nowhere to be found. It’s just another cycle, I go around and around. I want the one who doesn’t want me.

Because my father never really wanted ME. 

He wanted a doll, to look pretty and be obedient but as soon as I formed my own opinions, I was worthless.

He makes me feel worthless.

I text every female in my phone Happy Valentine’s Day. Just to make sure that no one I know goes without being told.

I tell everyone “at work” — really since I work from home, it’s a group chat. They all say it back. I tell everyone that calls into my job— oh, and happy Valentine’s day! 

Some people act like oh, they forgot that’s what today was. Yeah right. You’re just like me. Trying to pacify yourself all day from the endless disappointment…

32 years have gone by, and not one Valentine. not. one.

Last year, when I was in love with my boss, on the 12th, he came into work and handed each female a bouquet of flowers and cupcakes. Mine said “sweetheart” I threw it in the trash. I left the flowers at the job. I walked into the bathroom and had a panic attack for 35 minutes. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Two years I was in love with him— and he knew it. And now, after I had already been hospitalized for my heart condition and had been out of work for over two months, and only back to work for a week, he hands me a bouquet of flowers, shaped in a heart— with glitter all over the petals. It was the sweetest and most adorable thing I had ever received. And exact identicles were handed to the three evil witches that had plagued my every working moment. The jealous was eating me alive, like maggots on a fresh puss filled, infected wound. He slashed me over and over and laughed at the way I winced in pain.

This year feels even more horrifying than that.

No call, no show. 

Sweet Dee was suppose to be different. He was the first man that his reality was so much more exhilirating than his fantasy. No fancy car or flashy clothes. Just a soldier, a protector, a warrior. 

Except he never fought for us. 

He never protected my heart.

He made wage a war between my head and my heart. 

I want to hate him. 

I can’t believe he couldn’t send a simple text. But then again, how am I so surprised? 

He didn’t even call me on my birthday. 

He wouldn’t even come to Texas. It will be a year next month. I frequently check the ticket prices. Most round trip— $50.

$50 to make my dreams come true.

And that’s too much to ask. 

How could I be so stupid as to continue to want this man? To think we are twin flames?

I don’t even know him.

His entire story, I have pieced together like an FBI agent. He tells me nothing. Doesn’t let me in at all.

Why am I doomed to this? 

Because my father fucked me up? I am so tired of that same old bullshit story. Blame it on the parents. Did they abuse me? yes. Did they neglect me? Hell yes. Did they fuck me up? absolutely. Did they love me and do the best they could because they were HUMANS? Yes.

Yet I am still in this cycle. 

I forgave them.

I love them.

Moving on.

Moving on

It’s so hard for me. It’s so hard for me to really think about being with another guy.

I mean, I was with another guy after him.

Two, actually

And I loved them both in a strange way…



The first one, Mitchell. 

He was 6’7. A giant. His shoe was bigger than both my feet put together. He would wrap his arms around me and it felt so nice to not be completely alone in this world that I ran away to. It was right after I found out Sweet Dee, SD, went back to his old fling. I was like old dough. Crusty, flaking, limp, I could not rise. Such a broken place and this boy came and he smiled all of the time. 

And he wore suits— he was in finance. And he took me to the chocolate bar right before they closed and he got me tres leches cake and chocolate covered popcorn. And he brought me burgers and fries from the Burger Joint which was my obsession for a little while. And he wanted to see me every day and text me all day and FaceTime me on his lunch break just to see what I was doing. 

And I cried the first time we had sex because I just kept trying to picture sweet Dee. And he wasn’t him. And he came so fast. It felt like karma. Instant karma. 

And I thought maybe he was just nervous. And it would get better.

And it never got better. And I know I embarrassed him, probably humiliated him with my grunts of frustration and he tried to explain that he was just so turned on by me and he just loved how I felt so much that he got carried away in the passion of it. 

To me, I didn’t feel anything. Except hallow regret.

I quickly ended that because I could tell he was falling in love and I was just going to use him and break him. I ended up breaking him anyways. His begs and pleads left a bitter taste in my mouth.

After he was gone and I saw what I had done, the begs and pleads switched sides. I realized the genuine man I lost pinning over a man who did not give ONE FLYING FUCK about me.

And how many times have I done this? 

Hallow regret.

Why can’t I ever love the man that loves me?

I go back home to Chicago for my birthday and I am convinced things will be different. It’s been 5 months since I have seen his face, touched him. 

Oh, the glorious ecstasy. We have this perfect night together. This night that I replay over and over in my memory every day, just to keep our love alive. 

It’s a movie I have written that only romanticizes the truth. 

He still didn’t pick me.

He shares his location for a month and I obsessively watch as he goes to this one location then doesn’t check back in for hours. Hours……. Hours and I am crying and drinking and trying to forget that he isn’t even mine. 

I go back in September, I try to salvage what is left. 

He fucks me then doesn’t see me again.

I ask him if we can talk and he doesn’t even respond. 

And yet I come home and pine over him 

And cry over him, and obsess over him

Endless tarot. Convincing myself he’s the one.

That’s when Trey shows up. 

On my doorstep.

Next door neighbor. 

These big puppy dog eyes.

He’s dark skin and long braided hair— dancer body. 

A dancer. 

All my life I wanted to be a dancer and love a dancer. And the movements just come so easy to him. I tried to stay away. For two months I tried to ignore him and stay true to the one sided commitment in my heart to SD. 

And it was just when I had gotten back from Massachusetts. I had driven 27 hours there, shot a short film for four hours, then drove 27 hours home. Sleeping in my truck the whole time. And it was cold. Halloween in Massachusetts. There was snow on the ground, a frost in my heart.

And I was so weak and so tired. I had driven there for Sweet Dee. I had made a deal with the universe and he was suppose to be mine then.

And I help up my end of the bargain, and he still was never mine. 

I came home, crumpled into myself and my doubting faith.

I sat on my porch for hours just staring into nothingness smoking joint after joint. I couldn’t stand up. My muscles were porridge. 

Trey came walking up the stairs to our shared porch, He had a bag of food. It smelled delicious, it woke me from my trance. 

What u got in there?

Tacos.

What kind of tacos?

Steak tacos.

Oh yeah?

Haha yeah, why? You hungry? What you doing out here?

I am thinking of cutting off a lock of my hair to send to this boy I am in love with back home

He laughs— oh yeah, I knew u was crazy

What did you do today?

You know I just chilled with the homies, made some runs, got some tacos.

We started talking from there. 

I told him how I was in love with you Sweet Dee. Desperately and madly in love with you. I told him about your accomplishments, your dimples, the marvelous amount of things you’ve overcome, our affinity for aliens. How sweet you are. I cried and cried and cried as I told him about Salem and how you were in Walmart with another girl two days after you fucked me and I told you how much it would mean to me after 16 months of celibacy and you acted like it means something too. And how you didn’t even ask me if I got home okay that night— and I didn’t hear from you for 5 days. When before that we talked all day every day. And how I didn’t hear from you and probably wouldn’t have at all except that I messaged you after my friend told me about the Walmart girl and you told me “what did I expect” and you “thought we were just having fun”

How the fuck could we be just having fun when I asked you to father my children and you said yes. 

How could we just be having fun when I showed you more of the real me than anyone? 

But yes, I hope it was fun for you.

And I have to remind myself, this was all on me.

You never asked me for any of this.

You never wanted any of this.

And Trey never came. So here was karma again.

A boy who came too quick

And a boy who couldn’t cum at all…

Couldn’t even stay hard for me.

One was an ego high,

The other, complete low.

He pointed out all the things that were wrong with me and here I am right back again in my parent’s mental grip.

Hating myself for all the things I was and wasn’t.

Wondering why it was never enough for you

So now, I tell myself I want to be alone. 

And I pamper myself with an oil treatment,

And I draw myself and epsom salt back by candlelight listening to jazz

I am seducing myself

Then I fuck myself

Then I made myself dinner— homemade pizza in the shape of a heart.

And I watch romance movies.

And I pretend I am not incessantly checking my phone to make sure somehow some way you’ve gotten thru. I wait the whole day, and I keep shutting it off and playing this game, making excuses to turn it back on and check this or oder this or look at that. Knowing the whole time I am just hoping to hear those three little words from you.

I am dying for those words;

“Happy Valentine’s Day.”

And they never come.

And I am alone. Trying to convince myself “oh this will be the last year”

I say that every year.

Oh he’s coming for me.

I say that every day…

He never comes.

And another year rolls around. 

It’s 10 degrees outside in Texas and it’s not suppose to be like this. And I go check the mail at 11pm with one last tiny hope in my heart.

bills.

Overdue bills.

Silence is a cold dagger to the chest. 

He couldn’t muster 3 little words.

When I have spent a year trying to love him.

I am so stupid.

I am just so stupid.

I shiver, I come back to my door and rip off the heart decoration and I stomp on it until it breaks into a million pieces— the physical representation of my metaphysical state. 

I can’t believe myself for believing that anything would have been different.

Like he said, — what did I expect?

Fuck Valentine’s day.

.-*listen to “Wait” by Maroon 5 while reading this.*

Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter fool. I try to blame all of the horrible decisions that I make on so many things. I can only blame myself. I don’t know which crossroad to take. I don’t know why my moves always feel so contingent on those around me. I want to think only for myself. Only about myself. Why am I so afraid of being selfish? Because a religion that I don’t even believe in raised me to be that way? 

No, I feel it in my bones to be selfless. It has always resonated with me. So many things resonate with my spirit. I wonder if anyone else is like that? Does anyone else see demons in people’s faces before they see the actual face? They talk about auras, I feel shifts of energy but I never see light around people unless it’s white light which is what I saw every time I saw a boy that was about to complete wreck my life. And it always seemed to end in red and blue lights smh. 

I always get the worst of men because I always think the worst of them.

I get the worst of every situation because I always think the worst of it.

I need to shift my own energy. 

How? Light candles. Dance. Call someone you love and who loves you so much you can feel it with every word they say.

This will give you strength. This will build you up. When you feel like the sky is falling, LOOK UP ANYWAYS.

.-*listen to “Latch” by Disclosure while reading this.

I had a very heartfelt conversation with my sha-man last night. We were talking about love. And as you know, love is my favorite thing to talk about. I heard that that is a Leo thing. But it makes sense since we are ruled by the sun and the sun is third eye chakra which is right below the divine… the edge of karma, the creator, which is love. God is love… you get it. So we like being close to love, in the light of love basking in the rays of the sun which is just a glimpse into love. 

Now keep in mind, I know nothing.

His perception of love is so much different than mine but there was a point in the conversation that I felt like he was telling me, “you’re wrong.” And I found myself starting to close off to what he was saying and becoming defensive. That was my first reaction. But I corrected myself and said, LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Do not listen to respond. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. So when I started listening to his words like he was a professor, KNOWING he knew more than me because he knew the perspective from his experience. How could I possibly see the wisdom from an experience that is not my own unless I attempt to understand his experience? And how can I understand his experience without listening to him? So, I closed my mouth and I began to listen, very intently to what he was trying to say to me. 

My perception is only my perception. The more we humble ourselves to knowing that we know nothing, the more we allow ourselves to be a vessel for the white light of the Holy Spirit.

We must follow the path of love. And that path leads us to places we would rather not go sometimes. 

He opened my eyes to something about myself, I will cry out for attention when I want to be adored. I give a lot to people and when I feel my energy draining, I will go to a man for attention and just want to be praised and adored. There are certain men that their door has always been open to me and I will walk in and out of that door as much as I please. Every time they try to “tame” me, I lash out and run away. Now, they are fearful of trying to corral me so they just allow me to come and go like a stray cat. And then I wonder why I get the karma of the men THAT I WANT coming and going out of my life like they please? I am closing this cycle. This is not the type of relationship I want. I want hard work, dedication, commitment, every day. Every day improving ourselves. Giving each other the freedom to grow in love, on our own journeys. Sharing our journey and our experience with each other. Sharing knowledge and wisdom, but also, that space for growth. Holding each other accountable without judgement. And creating children that are enlightened and healers. Healing each other while we heal ourselves. Consciousness. Free thinkers. Adventurers. Inventors, innovators. Walking in love and light.

I just started weeping sitting in the mirror just looking at myself, trying to be present with my body. I don’t like to look in the mirror a lot. I know I am beautiful but there comes a time when you can look in the mirror too much and all you think about is yourself. So, I try to keep my mirrors in the closet and just make sure I don’t look like a hobo but don’t really STUDY the mirror. I have an issue with becoming self obsessed. But sometimes it’s good to look in the mirror so you can truly see yourself, but look into your own eyes, try not to focus on your body. I was just crying thinking about all the men I have hurt. I was crying to the heavens begging for forgiveness because I am just so sorry for all the pain I have caused men. And always made myself out to be the victim or I was getting them back? I always justified my actions because of their behavior. But a true woman does not do that. We are only responsible for ourselves and if another person’s behavior influences our character, then that is not true character, it is a facade we put on. I want to live in my truth, always. I want to own up to it and take responsibility and accountability for it. I am just so sorry to all the people I have ever trespassed against. It is so important to have people in your life that will speak the truth to you, but also have the dicernment to know when the time you need to hear it is.

.-*listen to “SUNFLOWER” by Posty baby and swae leeeeeee. (I can’t wait to smoke a doobie with them.) from the best Spiderman ever made, the new cartoon one check it out on Netflix– this is his ringtone ;’o(… he never calls me so I never get to hear it >.<, *

Why is it so hard for me to give up control? Yet, I don’t control the things I can control. Instead, I try to control others, control outcomes. Control every circumstance around me. It makes me feel safer that way. I am a control FREAK. That’s been the hardest struggle between me and God, LOVE. Relinquishing control. I wish that someone could live inside of my brain with me for 2 minutes. So much goes on up here. I envy the girls that think of little, seldom. I do not want distractions any longer. I am realizing many of my relationships are just distractions. I must be around artists. Free thinkers, creatives. Their eyes are open to another realm, just like me. They see things. I see things. 

There were demons in my bed when you left

That’s why I do not want you back

Stay far from me

Your love felt like ecstasy

But I couldn’t see

You were poison

All

Along

I miss my sunshine. It’s been 11 days that have felt like a hundred million eternities. 

WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR THE SAME DEVIL TRICKS????

Devil dx.

I keep falling into darkness. WHY??? When I know what the light feels like? Nothing satisfies you like the light. He was my light. It burned me, scorched me. Tied me up, torched me, IT TORTURES ME.

Set me free muhfxa, set me free.

It really hurts purging these impurities.

MAKING GOLD IS A PAINFUL PROCESS.

I’m a mess

Without

U.

.-*listen to “Take You There by H.E.R” (the baddest of the baddest of the bad boyyyyy this woman changed my life for FOREVER.) while reading this.

I’m starving for intimacy

I just want you next to me

Inside of me

All over me

Come be all over me baby

Our love plays like a movie in my head

We have more Oscar worthy moments

Than the notebook

I’m sorry for the ways I mistook

Your intentions

Caused aggression

You held your tongue

To spare my heart

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

Did I push you to her?

When my love turned cold

I’m so sorry for the abrupt roughness

The fake toughness

When I’m really just screaming out

PLEASE LOVE ME

I see you in my sleep

So I try to stay up all night

You can’t even imagine how many demons I’m fighting

I’m barely surviving

I need your strength

I need you

Cuz I can’t be the queen

And the king too

I need you

I’m tired of holding myself

I can’t trust these people to see me weak

I need protection

Please

Please come back to me

I don’t want to manipulate you with sweet words

Sweet nothing words

But this is how I share my love

I’m so tired of apologizing for that

You were so angry how I painted the picture of how you broke me

But I was too afraid to admit how you restored me

How you healed me baby

You HEALED ME.

You fixed my heart.

Set it back in place from where it had been so broken and twisted and mangled

Your touch was the Texas breeze I needed

In that hell I put myself in

You gave me the courage to walk out of that open gate

I will always love you for that.

I claim coward because you couldn’t tell me about her, you stopped being honest with me.

None of that matters. What matters is you are my energy

My every thought.

I see our children

I see our future.

My tears will be the rain that softens the soil of your heart

I want to be at your side

At your table. Under your protection.

I want you to understand me

And love me and need me.

I can’t stop myself from loving you I don’t even know how to begin.

Your smile was all it took and goddamn

You took me THERE

I want to take you there.

I’m sorry for betraying you

Neglecting you

Leaving you

I wish I had the courage to tell you this to your face

.-*listen to “Bad at Love by Halsey” while reading this.

Accountability – authentic self

It is impossible to be truthful in any relationship if you are lying to yourself. I have painted myself the victim in so many circumstances. And lately it has been brought to my enlightenment that the reason for a lot of my stagnation and slow growth is because I have not taken accountability for my actions. I am abusive. I have narcissistic tendencies. Last night, I read through all the old iMessages that automatically saved on my computer from my phone so I got to see back the last 3 years scrolling through messages from friends and past lovers. I felt like I was an ashamed parent reading the words of my terroristic child. Taking responsibility for my words and actions is something very new to me. Most of the time when I would be speaking I would be in a dream world of kush haze, weed dazed. I had no clue how toxic I was. All those festering deep, emotional wounds that I was just walking around with spewing the poison onto others, infecting them. Abusing others with the excuse that I had been abused. I cried to God WHERE IS MY HUSBAND WHERE IS MY FAMILY but then I see how harshly I talked to so many men, how cruelly I spoke about them. I never breathed life into them. I never nourished the relationship. I had no clue HOW. Yet I somehow expected them to fix me, to love me, to heal me. I couldn’t even heal myself.

I allowed the pain of my past to turn me ugly. 

I want to control that. I want to be able to control my emotions and my reactions. 

You cannot be your true, authentic self if you don’t tell yourself the truth about yourself. 

The truth about me? I feel hideous. I feel like an ugly monster. I hated every part of my body, so I did not take care of it. I was not even taught to take care of myself. I remember never having clean clothes as a child. I did not have clean surroundings either. There would be piles and piles of dirty things, and garbage all around me. Having no structure in my day to day life. I get it, my mother had a lot going on with 6 children, she could not keep up taking care of us. She could not even take care of herself. I don’t believe that she was taught either. Now as an adult, sometimes I will change underwear twice a day. I always have to have clean socks as well, I could wear a shirt one time for ten minutes and feel the need for it to be washed. I have to have my apartment immaculate each night before I can even lay down to sleep. My brain is trying to heal that trauma with obsessive behaviors because it is so afraid of going back to that place, suffering through that abuse once again. I recognize my obsessive behaviors with men as well. I want to be in constant contact because I feel like if I cannot get ahold of them, they don’t care about me and they are gone forever. Stemming back to the anxiety my mother imparted into me every time my father walked out the door for work or even to go to the store because of how her father abandoned her. I am so afraid of being left I wage war on them psychologically so that I can feel like it’s always my choice for them to go. I can give an excuse to myself, “oh I was too much woman for them.” “oh they were intimidated by me” “oh they couldn’t HANDLE me.” I push away before they get the chance to leave, tale as old as time. And because I am not honest with myself, I cannot even admit how devastating it is to lose someone you barely got to love because you keep scorching the earth before the seeds of love you plant even get a chance to break through the soil. The failure I feel that I cannot do a simple things like keep a man around, have a man want to consistently be with me. All become I kept saying “rain” and it didn’t happen when I wanted it to. Trying to rush processes because I think I have done so many actions, but never with good intentions, never with healthy tendencies. Manipulation and control are not conducive soil for love.

Before, I would just eat and eat and eat my feelings. I was trying to fill the emptiness inside of my soul. So when I would feel that feeling of complete fullness after gorging on a huge meal that could have fed a family of 4, I felt FULL and satisfied momentarily. It was brief and short lived, and I would seek that feeling again. I would do this 3 sometimes 4 times a day and wonder how I ballooned up to the weight I was. I was constantly filling that need, that urgency, that desire with food. Instead of realizing there is a reason you constantly feel needs. Your body (physical representation of your spirit on earth) has many needs, but so does your brain (computer in your head that manages your body), your soul (emotions), your spirit (consciousness). If any of these is being starved, THEY WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY.

The way of the world is to take, and then give back. Yin and yang, consume, produce. 

So many people are consuming and they never produce anything.

For spirit, consume meditation produce prayer

For soul, consume feelings produce expression

For brain, consume information produce action

For body, consume calories produce energy

So, if you consume too many calories, the body stores that energy as fat.

This is true for every part of you. If you consume too much, you produce too much. You consume not enough, you will be weak. But it is also VERY important WHAT you consume. If you meditate on the mantra, “I am a monster. I am a flat blob. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around.” Then you will produce the prayer of that into the universe. AND GUESS WHAT, the universe will give you circumstances that make you believe those things to be true. Because when you consume negativity, and you produce toxicity and you put that into the universe, you will get that back. Yin and yang. You create your own reality. Intention only means a little when the action is harmful. 

To become my true authentic self, I must take accountability for the things I am consuming and producing. I cannot justify myself any longer for allowing myself to consume garbage. I cannot justify eating a fat greasy burger because I have had kale for a week. I know the burger is bad for me. I have to walk away from it.

Just like I cannot keep justifying my abusive behaviors because I have been abused. I cannot keep spewing off at the mouth because my feelings are hurt. It is time to grow up. It is time to take accountability, responsibility, and action. It is no one’s fault that I am in this circumstance in my life but my own. I made these decisions. I walked down this path. I got myself here. Yes, I may have listened to the advice of other people, but I only followed up with it because it was like minded from what I was already thinking. I cannot blame others for leading me astray any longer. 

I also am choosing not to associate with people that no longer feed me on all levels. I need nourishment. I need healing. That can only come from surrounding myself in that. I must plant myself in rich soul so that I can blossom and grow. 

I believe that I have found the friends to do so. I become so paranoid of them sometimes though. I allow fear to creep in and turn things toxic. I do not want to do that this time. I want to fight my jealousy. I want to confront my insecurities. This all comes with telling the truth about yourself, to yourself. Rarely is it ever something you want to hear.

But also remember to praise yourself for the progresses you have made. For the ways you have grown and overcome. For the demons you have conquered. And remind yourself that you will win this battle. That you will persevere until you are whole, healed, loving light, and a healer to those around you.

it’s like I have had to journey to the darkest crevices of eternity, find my demons, and seduce them into working for me instead of consistently trying to extinguish my existence. I bribe them with promises of times of old. Just me and them, wandering, drunk through damp streets, lonely pavements. They are my only true friends; my demons, my vices, my comforting little thieves. Because when people fail, when love fails, when your life just fails, Here you are, sweet honey whiskey, Camel menthol silver, extra large meat lovers pizza with garlic sauce, extra fat dope ass blunt pearled like a Tampax, I LOVE YOU VICES. My only friends, you were a comforting mother who loved me just as I am. You were a loyal lover, never cheating on me, always right there when it mattered the most. You were my only comfort in the long dark nights of the coldest Chicago winters of my soul. But I left you, I loved you and I left you. My infidel affair with dedication, nutrition, inner peace, soul searching all of this fucking BULLSHIT only to wait long enough to remember what it felt like when you made love to me. When your warmth was oozing down my lips, when your hands were on my inner thighs. Your soft kisses and whisper promises to guide me safely home, all the while poisoning my soul. Sweet demons, we make such beautiful love. How could you want me gone? I know I have abandoned you on the road paved with the best of intentions and I lost my way because this winding road is one lane highway two inches from a cliff. Come, visit me in the night once again, sneak into my tent, impregnate me with the anxieties, insecurities, and incompetences of my future. I will come running back to you over and over again, because that’s what star-crossed lovers do; my failures, my greatest loves, my friends, I will always be back for you my demons.

.-*listen to “Girl of my Dreams by Rod Wave” while reading this.*

I noticed a very negative pattern in myself. I’m incredibly jealous. I woke up this morning, maybe still in sleep, but envisioning myself as a little girl knocking on the locked door of my parent’s bedroom. Sometimes they would be in there all day with the door locked, sometimes I would fall asleep on the ground in front of the door. Knocking, crying, begging and pleading for them to let me in. I think it engrained this core belief in me that I was not worthy enough for a relationship with them. Even them fulfilling my basic needs. This is why it’s hard for me to express to people because mostly the people I go for are the ones who are emotionally behind that locked and closed door. And I am trying to find any way I can to pick that lock, but most of the time I end up trying to kick the door down out of frustration and waiting. I guess it gives me some validation that if they walk out from behind the door that I’m worth something. This goes with my cycle of emotionally unavailable men that consistently ignore me, don’t give me the time of day, don’t express their emotions, don’t give me consistency. My father was always behind that locked door. Still have no idea how he feels about me. The only time he’s ever expressed his feelings are in a crisis. My father always mixing pain with pleasure. It’s no wonder I have the preferences I do.

The jealousy comes from this deep engrained belief inside of me, the colossal insecurity that I don’t think I deserve healthy relationships. As a little girl my mind would try to reason and the biggest reason I had was that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I’m annoying, I’m too much, I’m too emotional, I’m too intense, too loud, I didn’t sit down gently. Basically all the negative things my parents would say to me in regular day to day life that I would play on a loop in my brain when I faced any sort of rejection. This loop became so crippling. I’ve become stagnant in my life because I’m scared to do anything else. I’m scared to knock on these doors, I don’t even know if they are locked anymore. And when I see an open door, I think, there must not be anything valuable behind there because no one would leave something valuable behind an open door, unlocked.

How do I change my way of thinking?

How do I tell my friends and family and lovers what I need from them emotionally?

How do I stop lashing out and pushing people away when I don’t get those things?

My reaction to you last night, the meanness, the snipping, was out of jealousy. I keep trying to convince myself you don’t really want to be around me, you must have some ulterior motive because why would anyone want to be around me? I’m a monster.

I’ve made myself a monster in my own eyes because of these deep rooted feelings. This fear of abandonment. This need to “put on a show” so that I’m interesting enough, or aloof enough, challenging enough, engaging enough. Something that will hold attention. So the performer comes out. Because all I ever wanted was the eye contact of my parents. But I can’t even look back. So I just would look up long enough to see if they were watching, then keep putting on the show until I’m exhausted.

I’m so exhausted.

.-*listen to “Verified -One Acen” while reading this.*

We are already a week through June. That is so crazy to me. I feel like time is just running away from me but every day seems like it lasts and eternity. Isn’t it crazy how life is? So beautiful and unique. The same things happen every day yet no two days are the same. Routines help set the structure of my day which I think is helping me accomplish things and get them done. I noticed that for me personally, I HAVE to go to bed by 10 pm. I will still wake up early regardless of what time I go to sleep, but my brain will stay in bed if I do not go to sleep by 10 – 11 pm. I will be sluggish and unfocused and irritated. 

I am having such great connections with people lately and I really think it’s putting my fear aside to be able to bond with them.

I get so distracted sooooo easily. I need to focus on making the task of writing at least 20 min every day. Consistency is key. I just have so much fear blocking me. I am afraid of what people will think about me if my belief system is not aligned with theirs. I am afraid that maybe my thoughts are wrong and if I have some sort of influence, where am I leading people? I consistently want to check myself.

I feel really bad because yesterday I couldn’t find my eyeliner. So, I went half the day of work without any on. Then, when most of the people left for the day and it’s just the two boys that were staying for the shift I am like ok I am going to Ulta. Not knowing that they closed at 6. Well, I was at their door at 6:03 and there were a bunch of people still checking out. A woman came to the door and just turned her back on me. I already felt disrespected that she didn’t acknowledge me. I said are you closed? She shook her head yes. I said I really only need to get eyeliner can’t I just check out? She shook her head no. I got pissed off. I called her a bitch to myself and I stormed off them sped away. I acted like A CHILD because I did not get what I wanted even though I did not feel like it was an unreasonable request at the time. But take into consideration I have no clue what their store policies are. Also, How selfish am I that I expect this entire staff to stay even longer when they have probably been working all day just to buy some eyeliner? So, I went to CVS and bought some. Then, I get back to my store and I can’t find the eyeliner I literally just got done buying. As I am looking through my car, I find the first eyeliner I lost. smh. So that entire situation could have been avoided all together had I just been diligent enough to look. So now I am feeling incredibly like a child. And the whole reason for my eyeliner in the first place was going out and I WENT HOME AND WENT TO BED ANYWAYS!

So, what did I learn? Stop acting like a child. Have a home for things. Always put them in their place and they will never be lost. And, react better. Work on your reactions. You cannot act out of selfishness when you promote selflessness. You can’t just pretend to be a good person until you don’t get your way. You have to really focus on practicing what you preach. It’s crazy that Tune was such a jerk but honestly what he was saying the whole time was full of truth and perception and I guess that my hatred towards him was because I did not like hearing the truth. 

He really always said about my consistency and practicing what I preach. I am not justifying him or his actions. Because he was wrong too. But it’s possible to both be right and both be wrong. 

It’s also important not to point out other’s shortcomings without acknowledging or at least attempting to acknowledge your own. And the means of delivering the message is just as important as the message itself. No one wants an attack on their preverbal heart village. Their ego being the King. So watch the way that you approach these situations. 

I also want to work on gratitude. This 100% commission based job is really taking it’s toll on me. And last night I called my dad crying because I was questioning my purpose here and was it really God that sent me if I am running into so many obstacles to overcome? And should I look for a new job even though I believed that God gifted me this one? 

My dad’s advice, You made a decision, now stay the course. 

And just like that, it was easy. I decided this. This was my choice. So I must be grateful for all of the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me after I made this choice. I have been provided with all of the things I need, and if I have not been provided with the things themselves, I have been provided with the tools to obtain them for myself. And for that, I am thankful and PROUD.